Friend keeps saying she thinks my son has ‘traits’ of ADHD

[Tellmestraight123]

Not sure if Chat is the appropriate space to put this.

My friend, who has a son recently diagnosed with ADHD, keeps making comments about my son. It’s tricky because I don’t think my son does have ADHD, however she has positioned herself as a bit of an expert and I’m not as clued up as she is. She attends workshops etc. has spoken to Drs, school teachers.

Some examples of things she has linked to:

My son is 3, and he has very typical 3 year old tantrums if he can’t get his way. An example, my son did something I said he couldn’t, I told him the consequence prior, I followed through with the consequence (10 minute removal of toy), he tantrums for about 5 minutes (big screams, on the floor, arms and legs wailing) we have cuddles, he carries on playing. He gets the toy back after 10 minutes, he listens to me the next time. 3 year olds tantrum, right?

Another, he is very active and always on the go. He can have a short attention span and can play with a toy, see another one, and jump to that. He also can change between football kits multiple times in the day, not because they are dirty, but because he sees his other ones in the cupboard and changes. Not a big deal to me.

He can be impatient, he always wants to go first with club activities. However, if he is told ‘no’ he will wait his turn, he doesn’t get upset or cry but he is very confident and is very vocal about wanting to do something. He struggled with turn taking at Nursery, this has improved over the year between 2-3.

Just to add, no concerns from nursery, they worked on turn taking with him and have seen improvement over the months. He has a good group of friends and very social. He rides a 2 wheel bike, very good speech and plays nicely with his sisters (obviously they argue but mostly nice play).

So, these are the main ones: tantrums, attention span and impatience. My son is very different to my girls who are more laid back but I think he just has a different temperament. Friend also thinks my partner has ADHD and I’m wondering if this is the lens she is currently seeing the world through or if the traits I’ve mentioned above are early signs of ADHD. I’m looking for further perspectives, it’s playing on my mind and becoming a bit of a chore to be around my friend. I also don’t want to be ignorant and I’d like to keep an open mind, I’m just not very in the know about ADHD and the internet has been a minefield.

Thank you for reading.

P x

I would say to her he's a typical three year old and you find it offensive she's trying to label him in this way, especially given she's not an expert. It's called over-pathologising.

I would honestly give her a wide berth TBH.

She's just an eager parent who has new found knowledge. Your son sounds fine and at 3 I really wouldn't be looking for diagnosis anyway as traits for ADHD/Autism are often perfectly normal childhood development traits until they continue long past the point of that being normal and start to significantly impact their lives. 3 year olds are wildly unreasonable creatures at the best of times doing a ton of social development.

At three I wouldn't worry too much.

That said, when my daughter was young someone with several ADHD kids told me they thought she had ADHD. I dismissed it and didn't think so, but didn't take offense. Come mid-teens, I come to find out they were right all along. It was then that I remembered my friend had suggested it.

Oh just ignore it

I have had similar being told on of my kids is autistic blah blah blah. It's nonsense.

You know as a parent who spends the most time with them if there is something that needs investigating.

I would just tell your friend that you don't think he does and you know him best. If anything rears up in the future you will ask her invaluable advice but until/if it does can we drop this for the time being please.

All toddlers have traits of ADHD they are toddlers.

He sounds like a normal three year old, she’s just over analysing with the new info she has, I wouldn’t do anything more.

Thank her for her advice, tell her you've taken her points on board and you'll bear them in mind once your DS starts school.

Unless traits are particularly marked, separating out typical toddler/preschooler behaviour from 'traits' is pretty much impossible anyway. And unless your DC needs additional support starting school there's little need for a diagnosis so young anyway.

Unfortunately it seems to be a bit of a pattern that someone with a new ADHD diagnosis will start diagnosing others. I have a friend who is merrily diagnosing their adult friends left, right and centre at the moment!

I think it’s natural when you first get the diagnosis, it becomes a huge part of your life and you start almost seeing neurodivergence everywhere. I have two SEN kids and find myself wondering about other kids (although I have enough tact not to raise it!).

Your son sounds like an average 3 year old from what you say, and you certainly wouldn’t qualify for assessment in my area.

Maybe just say you appreciate she’s trying to help, you’re not concerned but you’ll definitely know to ask her in future if you see any issues, and for now it would be best to drop it.

I don't think parents always do know. Especially if they are also ND and have family that are ND. Often parent diagnosis follows children's diagnosis. If ND is your normal, you don't always know the traits are ND.

Thank you all. This is very helpful.

Yes, she does seem to analysis my son and relates a lot to her own son, which hearing multiple times does become a little draining. I really want to support her as she has
greatly struggled over the years and I can see how confident she is with this diagnosis. I think her heart is in the right place and she is a lovely friend. I appreciate you all giving some options of what I could gently offer to her and hopefully it’ll stop.

How old is her child? Your child sounds perfectly normal. He could also have ADHD. Who knows. Right now, his behaviour is well in line for his age, and if he does have any sort of ND it's not in any way negatively impacting him, his development or his learning.

It's likely she's coming from a good place, but I'd be replying with, "he's very young and right now there are no particular issues I'm concerned about. Thanks for your concern" and move on.

There's a TA at the school I used to work at who does this. I told her about my 10 year old not sleeping properly in mum convo. She insisted he must have ADHD. I often heard her saying various kids have ADHD or were on the spectrum, including her own daughter. From what I could see none of them were even close.

Really odd behaviour but I think it's becoming fashionable to use the various terms such as neurodivergent in convo to show how ' aware' and up to date on this one is.

@40andlovelife the thing is that poor sleeping IS often a sign of ADHD so it's not an entirely unreasonable point. It becomes unreasonable if she bangs on and on about it and/or if she starts to use her theories that a child has ADHD to excuse poor behaviour (vs seeking actual diagnosis and professionals support).

to be quite honest, as DS' sleep has always been truly awful and we now know that's probably because of his ADHD, I wish I'd understood this years ago.

If you can try and ignore and accept this is her adjusting to her sons diagnosis. Its possible these traits were present in her own son when he was three but as others have said they are quite typical for three year olds and don't anything by themselves.

I actually am a psychologist so spent yrs fretting about my childrens development - they are all NT adults/late teens now.

But yes to the man with a hammer every problem is a nail...

Take it lightly. She's been through a rough time if she's had a DC adhd diagnosis, which normally follows real parenting challenges. it's borderline inappropriate, but give her free pass on it. She's probably still coming to terms with her in DC's issue (it's a disability) and is inadvertently trying to normalise it by seeing it everywhere.

It sounds like normal range behaviour for the age. Alarm bells would ring if it persisted beyond that age range into school years.

That said when you have a ND child, you do tend to hone in on those traits in others, but they have to be beyond the normal age expectations and be at a level where they impair life to reach diagnostic thresholds.
Families with neurodiversity tend to cluster together, and they can end up knowing a disproportion of other ND people compared to the general population. Not all people with traits have enough range and intensity to meet diagnosis.

In this case I'd be responding that DS is currently in the normal range of age expected behaviours.

I don’t think adhd is diagnosed before the age of 6 precisely because it’s so hard to distinguish from normal toddler behaviour.

And at any rate the final d in adhD is what distinguishes the neurotype from the disability. Many, many people have traits without it being a source of suffering and distress.

I agree with a pp who suggested this is part of her adjustment process, and to cut her some slack. But you could remind her that there is precisely nothing you can do at the moment anyway, except watch and wait. Many conditions overlap anyway.

Does she have adhd? Disinhibition is one of the hallmarks - does she often struggle to keep an opinion to herself?

Even if she turns out to be right, the best you can do is address issues as they arise, exactly as you’re already doing.

There's a reason ADHD is rarely diagnosed under the age of 7.if he's still having issues I another three years I will start to worry