Feel completely broken

[CapitanSandy]

I feel like a shell of myself after two bereavements in the last 5 months alongside a stressful full time job in a mental health charity.

After the loss of a close family member in December I was signed off for 2 weeks. I had awful anxiety and was just about managing with grief until 2 weeks ago when one of my lovely team passed away unexpectedly.

I don’t feel anxious but since then I can’t stop crying everyday, I’m not sleeping properly and have stomach cramps most days. It’s like someone has uncorked something and I can’t get my emotions back in.

My manager is so kind and has been so supportive over the last few months. I took a few days annual leave last week and have started counselling through work. I hate letting people.

I really want to be resilient but I just can’t.

Where do I go from here?

If you’ve felt similar how did you come out the other side?

Oh I'm so sorry for your double loss. What a heartbreaking thing to go through. I haven't been through anything like this so I won't pretend to know what you're going through. But I wanted to say I'm sorry and to remind you to be gentle to yourself.
Counselling is brilliant. My counselor years ago told me it can take a long time to heal from grief, so be patient, be kind to yourself, take the time to sit with the feelings, let them wash over you and know that they will pass.
Sending you love xxx

How awful, condolences to you. Take the time you need to recover from this double blow. Let the tears come, don't try to push your feelings away. In time, you will come to terms with what happened and be able to feel other things as well as the pain, and you will be able to return to everyday things. But you have to do the grieving first.

So sorry for your losses.

Thank you for being so kind. I’ve never felt like this before. It feels scary somehow even though grief is part of life.

How can I function better while going through this? I can’t keep having meltdowns all the time.

Have you booked up your next session with your counselor at all? Sometimes knowing you have a session booked can be comforting, or at least it was for me.
Are you able to talk to your boss, take some more annual leave or maybe some compassionate leave maybe?

Yes I’ve got my next session this week. It was only my first one last week so it was a lot of admin and a couple of questions while I cried. I think 6 sessions are available.

If I keep feeling like this I know I won’t be able to do my job well but then with time off where does it end? My manager has been so lovely if I was off again it would only add more work on her plate. I hate being unreliable especially when the team are stretched and grieving too.

I went to the GP and I’ve been signed off for 3 weeks and starting a low dose of sertraline. I’m a bit worried about taking medication but hopefully it will help.