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How do I make better female friendships

4 replies

Bookits · 28/04/2024 07:17

I've had some upheaval in my life over the last few years and my friendships have changed a lot, long story but people I used to be friendly with as couples are no longer available to me.

I do have friends, but most are fairly new friendships. I'm finding that men make decent friends and are reliable and available, but women have very busy lives and/or are flaky.

My current friends are:

A man I've known for 20+ years. We don't live close and don't meet up that often, but he makes himself available when I need a chat and when we do meet up it's like we've never been apart

A man I share an interest in. He's married so we're careful not be be "close" and only go to very public things relating to the interest, but he always includes me and always honours arrangements

A bit of a ladies man who doesn't fancy me, but invites me to things when he's at a lose end. That's fine, if I'm free I go, if I'm not I don't, but once he's made an arrangement he sticks to it.

A mixed group I know through sport, nice easy people, not particularly close friends but good fun company and commitments are generally honours, although it will be the women who drop out, there will still be enough people to go ahead.

A married woman, very busy with her family life, never wants to commit to anything until the weekend in question. Always there on the phone though.

A busy single career woman, also never wants to commit, rarely respond to messages, but always good when we do get together.

Various old female friends, where we do the "we must get together soon" thing for weeks on end.

A woman I train with, who always appears keen to meet up, but often cancels.

Let's assume everyone doesn't hate me, why don't I have better female friends?

OP posts:
StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 28/04/2024 07:22

I think your friends do like you, do want to meet up, but are then when it comes to it are simply knackered and have no headspace.

Bookits · 28/04/2024 07:29

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 28/04/2024 07:22

I think your friends do like you, do want to meet up, but are then when it comes to it are simply knackered and have no headspace.

I'm sure that's true and I sympathise, but I still need better friends!

OP posts:
ViciousCurrentBun · 28/04/2024 08:25

The possible issues are other commitments, money, time management, activity chosen not suiting them.

I think what you are wanting is ride or die friends, they are hard to come by especially when older as there is no long shared history. You need to meet a lot of people to find ones you really click with. I retired early so needed some friends available in the daytime as most my friends are still working and the only other early retired friends live at a great distance unfortunatley.

I joined two women’s hiking groups, do volunteering for two charities and a couple of classes. Enjoy all of it and after a year have gleaned one very good friend who is a ride or die type. Plus a couple of others who are not quite ride or die but really nice friends and who I do stuff with.

It’s a numbers game just like dating.

mondaytosunday · 28/04/2024 12:08

Its convenience. I have a very busy friend - known her for decades. Three kids (18, 21 still at home) and a job. I see her frequently because she lives walking distance away and we meet up for a pre dinner drink - no long commitment and I know her so well I don't mind if she needs to start doing dinner prep. However, we have been trying to arrange a time to spend the afternoon with a mutual friend who lives an hour and a half away. No can do - she just will not commit!
My stance is if you make an arrangement to meet with someone you honour it, unless something truly important has happened (car accident, child rushed to hospital). Not a 'just not feeling up to it' or 'my (fully grown adult son) has asked me to mind his dog as he's decided to go out for the day'. It's disrespectful to me, it's like they don't think I have anything else to do but keep time free on the off chance they decide to actually follow through.
Your friends won't change, so accept the friends you have are flakey and concentrate on making new friends, or if it's too much stop making arrangements with them full stop, and keep the ones who are reliable.

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