I'll start by saying I grew up in a very dysfunctional family; mums dad was very abusive, dads mum pregnant young and married older man who disliked my dad. Both have their own trauma they never addressed in a healthy manner. This resulted in my dad being an alcoholic for years, until he was around 43 (turned his life around job wise and went to university). Mum never really grew uo emotionally. Always projected her shortcomings onto me, very jealous of me as a child, couldn't really function independently. My dad was physically abusive to her, on occasion me too. Both emotionally unavailable.
I have three older siblings by my dad, 14, 13 and 11 years older than me by his previous wife. Older sibling was good with me when I was little, other two didn't ever really take to having a younger sibling. Made it very obvious they felt I was in some way favoured by our dad, made quite venomous comments about it actually. I never held this against them, as I'm sure as older kids, they remember stuff from dad and their mum being together, my mum and dad also had an affair so this didn't help. I have no relationship at all with any siblings now. I have nephews and nieces who I genuinely love but because of all of this, we don't have a relationship. My children don't know their aunt, uncles and cousins either which hurts.
I'm now in my late 30's, have two children aged 14 and 10. Have a very strong bond with my children, am the sole provider in every way. Always encourage them to speak freely and safely, to care for one another and hold space for differences etc. I try really, really hard to be well rounded and give them the best of what I can. I'm sure I go wrong at times, but it's never because of lack of care. We are very isolated, they see my parents maybe once a month for a couple of hours, I no longer have contact with them, as I got sick of becoming a verbal punching bag for them to vent their feelings onto, after a lifetime of witnessing abuse, being told I'm not clever enough, not capable enough, not good enough. Despite my dad turning his life around, he still is an overall negative person. I know they can be better though, because they project none of this onto my children. Ever. Which I'm glad of but wish they could have been this way with me.
I keep my circle small, yet have such a want to have more people in our lives, who we can love and who will love us back correctly. I realised a few years ago, if you've never been loved correctly, you learn to lick it off knives. I did this for many years until I did a lot of internal work. I've been single for five years now, but would love to be in a position to meet a healthy partner. It's ok being single, but it would be lovely to come home to another adult after a long day in work. To share things with. I was in hospital recently and had literally no one to support me when I came home. Had to go back to work almost straight away. This whole process has shown me just how little support I have in my life. If I'm honest, it has really broken my heart.
Am I alone in feeling like everyone else has loads of love in their lives? You see so many families and people with loads of friends. Is it the case that some people are just made to be loved, and some of us are unlovable? I've had many therapy sessions, done all of the self help stuff yet I still feel like there is something horribly wrong with me deep down. Or is it we live in a society that makes everything seem much more glam than it is. I'm sorry for the long post. Just hoping I'm not alone in feeling alone, I mean that as kindly as possible.