How do I develop confidence?

[sendismylife]

All the way through my life, I have struggled with confidence. The thing is that it is really affecting me at work, but I have no idea how to develop even a little. I hate the way I look and everything about myself. I don’t feel worth anything and that means that I really struggle to challenge anyone or to feel confidence in my decisions or abilities. Can anyone help me with some tips? Please…

Have you thought about getting some executive coaching? Might be a useful way to unpack what it is that is holding you back and help you identify ways in which you feel able to take back control. I'm sorry you're feeling low - but you are doing the right thing in asking for help ❤️

That's low self-esteem not confidence.

CBT can help.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

What do you do for work and is there a mentor figure or someone you respect / admire / even envy? Are you a manager or individual contributor? Do you have a degree of choice in work (like Customer Service, teacher) or follow mostly prescribed tasks (driver, checkout)?

If you saw a baby you would agree that that person intrinsically has worth. That worth is not diminished by what we do or do not do or by age. You too have that inherent value.

There is also no reason that you would be worth less than anyone around you, we are all in fact average. Your voice and opinions and actions are worth as much as those around you. Keep telling yourself that next time you speak up or challenge someone.

@dreamfield is spot on btw

It's a negative thinking spiral. The only way to change is to stop it. CBT can help. So can mindfulness and hypnotherapy.

Keep a daily journal. Write down it only positive acts or accomplishments by you - no matter how tiny:

• cheered a friend up
• helped child with homework
• did my hair nicely
• did x well at work
• solved y problem
• did z new thing
• was brave in x small way

etc (you might find it hard to think of positives at first, if you are used to thinking negatively about yourself; keep trying!) Then read it frequently and say some positive words to yourself (as if speaking to a friend).

I can’t really say too much, but I work from home with lots of different agencies sometimes having to give unwanted news, sometimes making people happy, sometimes having to challenge people who are high up in their organisations about practice that falls short. Definitely not a manager, I could never do that. It is a bit of an unusual public sector role.

I will try that, thank you.

Really work on accepting the advice that we can't change a situation, we can only change our attitude to it. So we can't change having to be in a work meeting with twelve confident or even brash colleagues all with opinions, but we can choose to decide our input is also valuable and speak up.

DS has anxiety. He said he finds it helpful to ask himself what would non-anxious me do? and then do that instead. You could try the same. Imagine: what would super confident me do? and then start doing some of what she'd do.

Practice on people who have little impact in your life - be friendly and make eye contact in shops, on public transport, at cafes etc. Even glancing at people you pass in the street with a quick nod or smile, or a hello if you recognise them.

Posture helps too. Lift your chin a bit, pinch your shoulder blades together, tuck your core in, so you stand taller and don't hunch. It can make you feel more confident and people react better to you too.

What exactly is it you feel is so inadequate about your looks and ‘everything about yourself’? What kinds of situations would you like to handle better at work? What would you like to do if you had more confidence in yourself?

I’m 5’0 just lost 2 stone to a size 10/12 and healthy BMI, going grey, thread veins badly on my face. Can’t put on make up without looking awful. My clothes look awful, but my husband isn’t keen on spending money on rubbish that isn’t necessary when they still keep me warm.
As a teen, I was told I was the worst mistake my parent had ever made. The first time I went to bed and didn’t want to wake up I was 7.
I want to feel like I can make good decisions. Like I deserve to be there. Like I am good enough.

Wanting to feel good about yourself is the best start. Well done on the weight loss - that's great.

You earn money. You don't need your husband's permission to buy new clothes that you feel good in, that fit your new size. Just buy some. No need to apologise or explain. If he comments negatively, just say - I lost a lot of weight. I need clothes that fit me.

Perhaps you need a bit of therapy, that's pretty rough. Also with respect you have a respectable job, earn you own money and have a right to treat yourself to some new clothes. I say that as I have a husband with similar outlook to yours and I do have to out my foot down. at times and remjnd him I earn my own money.

Sounds like you husband isn't helping you feel better about yourself.

Go buy yourself some new clothes and have a make up lesson if you want to so that you feel confident about applying makeup for how you look now. don't worry about "wasting money". Think of it as investing in yourself and boosting your self confidence

He isn’t very nice when he doesn’t get his own way.

Sorry, OP, but I don’t think any of us genuinely can help, you need professional mental health support, I say this with utmost respect to your situation. Treat this like a dental appointment - it’s essential investment into your well-being. Any advice here will be another bloody thing you will blame yourself for not achieving. Get personal help, get a little stronger and tackle your practical issues bit at a time.

And trust me, my work bestie and I are pretty senior, and still call each other for a pep talk when we feel like we are failing or feel weak, nobody is bullet proof. Take care and get selfish. Oh, and LTB.

Are you saying he's effectively controlling your access to your money that you earnt yourself? That's financial abuse. Which of course isn't good
It sounds like you might have a lot to unpick here, maybe getting some professional counselling would be a good start.
I am a firm believer that being well turned out gives an inner confidence all of its own so definitely worth doing but I fear there's another can of worms in the form of your husband that might need opening and throwing away. Obviously I know nothing about you but I'm wondering if he carried on where your family left off destroying your confidence.

@CrotchetyQuaver i think possibly he did. I will try to do something for my appearance to try to feel a little better in myself.

@RockTheRunway I still feel like I don’t deserve any better than I have. I will look into trying to get some counselling if I can find a way to do it. He doesn’t like it when I go out.

Not tips I’m afraid but sympathy and understanding. It is very hard to change entrenched feelings about yourself, I did use an online CBT type course accessed via the GP website which helped me a bit.

You can do counselling online now, it shouldn't be a problem. I agree with pp that you need therapy more than anything else.

There seems to be a lot he doesn’t like. Is it likely you chose an abusive relationship because it was familiar from an unhappy childhood?

He was the only person that has ever showed interest in me. I was 26 and afraid it might never happen again. Getting grief from mum and sister about not being normal. But possibly also that.

If he is awake, he doesn’t like me being in a different room. And certainly not talking to people. He is currently sleeping in front of the television.