If you grew up in a messy/ run-down house, how do you live now?

[TERFCat]

Growing up, my house was an embarrassment. It was dirty and run-down. The central heating didn't work, broken windows were taped up with cardboard, and every room had piles of junk in it. My parents owned the house, but just didn't care to maintain it. I hated having friends from school over as they were always so shocked at how I lived.

I'm now in my 30s and live alone. I spend several hours weekly cleaning and maintaining my home. If someone visits unexpectedly, I get huge anxiety that my place isn't good enough.

I was just wondering how life turned out for others in similar situations?

Not dissimilar to your background.

I would love to tell you I’m now houseproud but I’m not. Our house is gorgeous and outwardly impressive (DH comes from money and is in the trade), but I really lack confidence in interior decoration so lots of half-finished projects, and I’m also very untidy. In my experience people who grew up in beautiful homes replicate them, but the rest of us are stealing ideas from magazines, Instagram, and telly.

Mixed views. I always felt that I didn’t know how to clean or do things properly. Generally, everything in my home is clean and tidy and I’m glad not to be too obsessed with having a spotless house. For me, the bigger picture is shaking off the emotional after effects of experiencing that low level neglect and the feeling of not being cared for.

I have had to learn to be tidy, my husband's family home is from the other end of the clean/ tidy scale. Personally I'm not sure his set up was healthy either. Although clearly if I was picking I would go for his set up!

I got a cleaner to help with routine and keeping on top of it all. It is something I think about a lot and I have watched a lot of videos about how to be more efficient. It surprises me how much time I spend on being house proud (but definitely not house perfect!)

I'm proud to say that my home is a nice place for 'my kids friends to visit. I never had that feeling as a child and it was hard to manage.

Oh yes, I can definitely relate to this! I want my home to be everything to everybody rather than my cosy place

I really struggle to keep my house tidy and in order, because I was never taught this skill and I have 'clutter blindness'. My parents are hoarders and their house, bad enough 30 years ago when I moved out, is horrendous now.

We grew up in a poorly kept three bed bungalow with 7 of us. Db had one room, parents had another leaving the rest of us to share.
It was an embarrassing dump. No central heating. One pretty grim bathroom. No shower.

Now I live with my ds in a 4 bed house. We have room for visitors. Central heating, plus log burner, fab bathroom with powerful shower. Big sunny kitchen. Separate dining & sitting rooms, utility room. I redecorate every couple of years. Good quality furniture. Space to enjoy life.

I love it when my friends come round. I can finally relax. 😊

I've been struggling with this lately. We moved into a new build when I was 11 and so the house was not run down, and I didn't realise how messy/dirty it was as a child myself. It was basically when my friends would come over and some of the less tactful ones would be shocked at certain things - I remember one day we were cooking sausages and one fell on the floor, so I just threw it back into the pan like "Oh it's fine the heat will kill it" and my friend was shocked and said "But the floor is disgusting - and you have animals running around over there!"

We did have animals living in the kitchen (pets, in hutches, though they were allowed to come out for a run around, and cats that had free reign of the house). I had never seen it that way - I thought my mum was a neat freak because she was always going on about cleaning - in hindsight, she was probably distressed by the state of our house. Her own health issues prevented her from keeping on top of it, and she was a single parent.

When I moved out of home, I initially continued to live in the messy/non-maintained way because that was normal to me and it didn't really occur to me for example that you should do things like wipe down counters/stove etc after use or wash up straight after a meal - my norm was to wait until something was intolerable and then tackle it. This caused arguments with my first live-in boyfriend but I did think he was being OTT. We ended up splitting up because of other reasons and then when I was living on my own with DS1 it came up again as a topic because my health visitor was concerned about the state of the house after visiting.

This went back and forth in discussion over a few months, because she'd explain that it was unacceptable but I think it hadn't occurred to her that I didn't really understand what exactly was bad about it. I would think OK, fair enough, it is a bit messy - and clean what I thought was right and then she would come back and be frustrated that nothing had changed. I found this very distressing because to me - it HAD changed! What helped remedy this in the end was that a social worker got involved and asked if I would like a copy of the form that they use to assess cleanliness levels of a house and I said yes please, and was given one.

Here is a copy of it - the version I had was more basic, and only scored at 0/1/2 (yes/somewhat/no) and only scored by the social worker, but the criteria were the same. I like the fact that this new version allows the parent and child to put their input in, too - this might have highlighted the fact that it seemed normal to me and it wasn't that I was neglecting it because I didn't care, it was that it didn't occur to me it was important.

The ones which surprised me/which I hadn't realised were a problem were the ones about "bits" being on the floor (every room of my mum's house has this), and washing up items being left to be washed until they were needed (I thought this was a totally reasonable approach). I knew that dirty kitchen surfaces and toys/clothes literally everywhere were a problem, but I thought it was OK if there were some parts which were dirty/messy as long as there was a space cleared to prep food, play etc. In hindsight, I also probably would have had a much higher threshold for "bad smell" compared to today.

Anyway - that's the backstory. What has happened since then is that I got diagnosed with ADHD and as part of this I learnt that I have difficulties sticking with routines, so I had a double whammy of having a baseline which is far too low, but also not even being able to stick to my baseline because of the ADHD. Having learnt strategies to deal with the ADHD I've been more able to maintain a better status of cleanliness and I've changed my baseline idea of what's normal.

DH also grew up in a non-maintained, messy house. Thinking back, I did visit his house as a teenager and it didn't register to me as messy or dirty. Because he doesn't have ADHD, he doesn't have issues with routines, but his baseline is similarly low to mine and we have both had to relearn this. However one thing I have learnt is that one huge key is getting unneeded things totally out of the house, whereas DH is still of a mind to either find a random home for things (making that area then look cluttered or be less usable leading to more mess/clutter) or shove entire collections of junk into a box/bag/pile and hide it in a cupboard

To be totally honest, I think our house is still dirtier than the average, though it is much better than it was before. We go through periods of it being better and then periods where it's a tip. But to visit my mum, or MIL, I'm immediately aware of this kind of general level of dust/mould/damp and grease and I do notice a difference between their houses, my own house and the houses of other people I visit. Mine is in between. Most people's houses I visit are nicer. My own mum's / MIL's are worse. My mum's house is now nearly 30 years old and the lack of maintenance shows quite clearly, whereas this of course wasn't an issue when we moved in. DH and I rent so we are not responsible for household maintenance but things like wall paint which has become scuffed - it takes us ages to register that it needs doing, let alone get around to buying the paint and doing it.

@BertieBotts that is such a brilliant post, so interesting. I grew up in a very messy, full of crap, house, and am now a bit of a clean freak 🤣.

I am on the other side of it. My mum was really into cleaning and tidying and I found it awful as a child that I couldn't even leave a magazine on the living room table or a book out.

I think I am now too messy as I relished into being able to do what I want.

We have a cleaner so every Sunday I make sure all surfaces are clear and things are put away but there is always somewhere a pile of things waiting to be properly stored away.

I grew up in a disgusting tip.
I knew it was at the time. My bedroom was the only clean space in the whole house.
My own house is now very clean and nice.
My mum and siblings still seem to struggle a bit to keep on top of things in their homes.

Same here really. I have to unrealistic expectations of how my house should be. I don’t allow visitors either.

I lived in an old house on a working farm as a child, so I always compared to my peers who lived in much more modern houses. It wasn't particularly scruffy though. We did have areas of damp . The floor in the hallway was always covered with hay and mud .

I was ashamed of the state of our house when I lived with my ex. It was all down to him and his things. I remember being judged.

Now my house looks lived in . There are dcs and pets here. It's quite cluttered. Some people likely find it scruffy compared to their standards . But as long as my toilet and kitchen bench are clean

Had to learn to clean and tidy and had no idea that there were regular maintenance tasks that make things easier in the long run. I think my house is ok cleanliness wise and is recently refurbished so I know it looks ok. I hate having people round though. I think they are judging me and finding fault.

Grew up in a super messy house. Left home 20 ish years ago and it’s just got worse, parents house now full on border level.

I have always lived opposite. Growing up I have a small box room myself and it was my clean minimal sanctuary. I lived in a few flats afterwards in London and always super minimalist. Now we live overseas, our house is a lot bigger and in the countryside, so we have space. We aren’t super minimalist anymore as no need for o be, but we don’t have clutter. I can’t stand anything looking scruffy, so we are always sanding, repainting, decorating, keeping garden tidy and plants nice.

Also for Ds I don’t ever let him wear holes or dirty stained clothes ( as in dirty in the morning, they can get dirty in the day. If they are washed and stained I bin). And clothes and shoes fit

My house is messy. And I don't clean it as often as I could but it's for a few reasons. I could clean it thoroughly daily but as DH says, until that magic day where we actually DO some sort of renovation, being house proud is basically "putting glitter on shite". It still looks bad even when spotless. The skirtings alone have 50 years of tenant's scratches, holes, gloss lumps, landlord special "paint over insects" type of paint jobs and no matter how much cleaning they get, it still looks shite. We can't justify forking out hundreds for new floorings to replace leak damaged bubbled laminate or redecorating a room because the cat attacked the wall.
I over stock the kitchen because I grew up not having enough food because mum just wasn't hungry or ate at work when Sis and I were in school. Now I have baskets of food on the piled up table and almost a fear of not having enough for my children. I always joke that we could outlast a zombie apocalypse if we barricade well enough.
My kitchen is hygienic though. It's very clean and the cooking areas are uncluttered so in that way I am miles ahead of DM. She really does live in a dirty cluttered place but it kills me that underneath, she has a newly renovated house!

Grew up in a disgusting and cluttered house. My bedroom was often disgusting too. I would go through periods of cleaning it spotless and maintaining for a while, but then it would descend in to floor-drobe state again.

I struggled to "see" the dirt/mess sometimes. I was kind of embarrassed to have friends over. But as I got to older teens, I realized the extent of it, and was very embarrassed to have friends over.

I went to Uni and became a clean freak. Realizing I had the ability to keep a house clean was very motivating. See with my parents, they wouldn't allow me to tidy up in certain ways. Some things just "had" to stay out on the table/counter/chair. So there was no opportunity to tidy up. Similar way with regard to cleaning. So a bit of a "what's the use".

I met my now DH young, he comes from the opposite household to me. Other end of the spectrum. His mum would move everything immediately. Phone chargers, books, you name it. If you left it for a second, she would have moved it somewhere else. Very frustrating. She also has towels etc. that are just for show, you aren't actually allowed to use them. Things like that. But then sometimes, due to her constant "anti-clutter" mindset, there wouldn't be enough towels for example to actually use. Like there would be a "show" towel, but no "for use" towel.. very frustrating too 😂

I am happy to say DH and I have merged together to create a happy healthy household, we think we are tidy, but not obsessive.

I do find though that it is something I have to constantly work on. I have to make the effort to de-cluttered a few times a year. My instinct is to keep most things. But I am constantly working on myself, so I manage to keep a clean and tidy house. Same for cleaning, I have had to teach myself how to clean and how to wash laundry. Even personal hygiene is something I have to make a conscious effort with! I was just not thought any of these things as a child. My parents never checked to see if I brushed my teeth, washed my clothes, showered, nothing... luckily I did these things instinctively by the time I was pre-teen.

Unfortunately my parents have only gotten worse as the years have gone on. My siblings and I clean as much as we can when we visit, but it doesn't help much as they refuse to help themselves. I do not let my children roam freely in their house. It's sad, but it's too dangerous for little ones. It's a very awkward situation. It's very sad. I wish I had "normal" parents with a normal home house.

I was ashamed of the state of our house once I was old enough to understand what it was like compared with other people's houses (especially the times when we had fleas). I used to try to clean up before we had visitors.

Now my house is lovely, though I do say it myself. Comfortable and warm and clean and nicely decorated and arranged. Although to be fair we do have a cleaner - I don't love cleaning! Not much clutter and I tidy up regularly.

My parents' house is still horrible. They find it perfectly OK, though. Interestingly my sisters doesn't care much about their houses - they're hygienic enough and fairly tidy, but otherwise completely unloved, not decorated nicely or cleaned very often. Like the bare minimum not to be horrible. I find that weird because it's a big deal to me to make my surroundings as pleasant as possible. But to them it doesn't matter at all.

I grew up in a fairly messy house, I remember the kitchen in particular was a complete disaster zone, you couldn’t have bare feet because bits on the floor would stick to them and good luck finding anything clean! Mum would only do the washing up when nothing was left. We never ate in the dining room and I remember when I was a teenager it was just where the clean clothes got chucked, literally mountains of them on the floor rather than being put away! The cat’s litter tray was in the cellar but there would be poo everywhere. Black mould on the walls. My Mum’s bedroom was like a teenagers with dirty clothes, plates, cups, glasses, empty coke cans etc all over. She struggles with depression, but with hindsight it was totally unacceptable.

As an adult with small children now I have gone the other way - but not insanely so. Toys have to be away at the end of the day, our kitchen is usually clean after cooking, I can’t bear things out on the side or bits on the floor. Clutter is inevitable with small children and I have a few areas I need to declutter and get more storage solutions, but we can have folk over without it being embarrassing. I’m not great at cleaning the bathroom is my main self criticism!

Last year my Mum was critically ill in hospital and had been poorly at home for a few days prior to the admission. I had to clear her house while she was in hospital, crap and dirty plates everywhere, loads of mouldy stuff in the kitchen, I was unable to walk on the carpet in the bedroom due to the mess - one of those occasions where my childhood came right back to me!

I'm forever cleaning, thinking it looks awful and apologising to anyone who comes over about the mess

Is a general source of tension in our house, I grew up in a very clean and tidy-ish (albeit cluttered) house - my dh grew up in an extremely cluttered house, cleaning did happen but you just couldn’t get at most of it to clean (still can’t)

dh consequently has a very relaxed attitude to clutter, though does clean surfaces etc. I would love to be properly houseproud and do tidy it up on occasion for visitors but massively struggle the rest of the time. It’s very cluttered and messy in parts but probably something in the middle in terms of how our houses growing up were.

I can’t bear the thought of anyone just turning up unannounced. I really strugggle to keep on top of clutter. I think the answer to it is simply to “chuck” but dh is continually opposed to chucking anything 🥴

I grew up in a messy/unkempt household and I do struggle to maintain my own home but I also have high standards and get very stressed when I'm behind on housework because I imagine my house crumbling into how it was a child. I find housework/house maintenance very difficult and overwhelming but I do my best and I think my house is reasonable. I'm quite funny about dirt/contamination

A lot of my childhood friends also had probably more unkempt houses than my own so until I was a teenager I didn't really notice that my parents house was unkempt. One of my grandparents houses was similarly cluttered/messy and one is sparkling, but I think I assumed the sparkling one was the odd one out

DH grew up in the opposite and I think he also struggles to keep up with housework/tidiness because his mum did so much for him. Wouldn't allow him to touch the washing machine or hoover because he would do it wrong, would regularly just throw out his things and their things for fear of clutter. As a result I think DH hasn't learned how to keep a house tidy, and has a bit of over attachment to his things

I think it's swings and roundabouts really.

My childhood has meant I can't abide diet and clutter.
Growing up in a filthy, cluttered house has left me with a borderline neatness obsession

@BertieBotts thank you for that brilliant and insightful post. And to others - lots of interesting thoughts.

I'm coming at this from the other side having grown up in a neat freak household, but not being able to maintain anything like that level through chronic fatigue. Will my kids grow up embarrassed because we don't vacuum, sweep and mop daily, and there are bits on the floor? I have absolutely no compass for this sort of thing either, because anything and everything will fall short of my mum's impossible (for me) standards. So this is very helpful.

I just really hope they don't grow up thinking we just didn't care. We do care, but we have to juggle it against other stresses like mental health and sheer tiredness.

Yes I agree thank you @BertieBotts. Though I did feel rather strange looking at that list for reasons related to my childhood and how I struggled when my kids were small. Makes me realise I'm definitely going to try to teach my kids actively how to tidy up/care for things (hopefully haven't left it too late).