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Original poster

Quick funeral etiquette question

23 replies

Crunchymum · 26/04/2024 06:32

Is the general rule that you attend "all" parts of a funeral?

So you see the coffin off from the house, then go to the service and then go to the crematorium (and then the wake)

It's not a close relative / we are not part of the funeral procession.

OP posts:

Purplerain1144 · 26/04/2024 06:35

Normally just immediate family follows funeral cars. Don't have to attend wake

Sirzy · 26/04/2024 06:35

I wouldn’t follow from the house unless close friends or specifically asked.

wake is optional.

InnerPlop · 26/04/2024 06:37

In my experience, only family go to the house and follow the coffin to the church. It's usually specified at the end of the service and on the order of service if it's just family to attend burial/cremation.
Anyone can attend the actual the service and wake, but it's not compulsory to attend both. Many people may wish to pay their respects at a service but may not be able to attend the wake.

LetsGoRoundTheRoundabout · 26/04/2024 06:37

I’ve only known family/extremely close friends to follow from the house, the majority of people go straight to the service. Wake is optional.

Justcallmebebes · 26/04/2024 06:41

Perfectly acceptable to attend the service and not the wake or do afterwards

OpusGiemuJavlo · 26/04/2024 06:42

Perfectly fine to just attend the ceremony but don't rush off at the end - there's a lineup where the closest family stand and everyone exits past them offering individual condolences and it might be considered rude if you skip that or are too keen to be head of the queue - but generally those not coming to the wake are likely to go out first as those coming to the wake may need to stand around awkwardly until the lineup is finished so may deliberately hang back.

EmpressaurusOfCats · 26/04/2024 06:45

OP, where are you / are we talking about a specific culture?

All the funerals I’ve been to, only immediate family follow from the house & it’s by prior arrangement. Also no problem if someone can’t stay for the wake.

Original poster

Crunchymum · 26/04/2024 06:51

It's a Catholic service, then cremation. I have actually asked (it's a dear friend's relative) but they haven't replied. I get the impression they expect everyone to be at every part though.

OP posts:

Carriemac · 26/04/2024 08:08

The most important bit is that you see them and offer condolences after the service

Marblessolveeverything · 26/04/2024 08:20

@Crunchymum are you in England and do they have another heritage?

So for example if Irish then attending all elements would be the norm and it wouldn't matter how close you were if you were there to support a bereaved person, which could extend to colleagues.

Original poster

Crunchymum · 26/04/2024 08:24

Marblessolveeverything · 26/04/2024 08:20

@Crunchymum are you in England and do they have another heritage?

So for example if Irish then attending all elements would be the norm and it wouldn't matter how close you were if you were there to support a bereaved person, which could extend to colleagues.

In England. Deceased person is Irish but living in England most of their life (50+ years)

Logistically it is difficult to attend all parts so we're going to go to church and cremation.

OP posts:

Toomuch44 · 26/04/2024 08:25

If you just want to go to the service that's fine. Family and close friends are more likely to go to the house. It's not a given that everyone is invited to the wake (costs/size venue/family wishes), so I'd only go if they indicated I was welcome, and even then if it's not right for you, you can politely decline.

ZenNudist · 26/04/2024 08:27

In these circumstances I'd just go to the service. Gathering before is strictly family. It depends if you have time in a working day to go to crem and wake too. Seems excessive. I wouldn't go to the wake as its more for the family and friends of the deceased.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 26/04/2024 09:32

House to the cemetery is immediate family and those specifically asked only.

Everyone else meets at the cemetery.

The wake or whatever after is optional.

Teaalwayshelps · 26/04/2024 10:02

I wouldn't go to the house on the morning, straight to the church is better in these circumstances.

Important to meet and talk to your friend at some point during the day if possible. Usually after the ceremonies is a good time for this, but yes the 'wake' part is optional and not everyone attends this.

(Feel funny calling this part a wake. In Ireland the wake comes before the funeral and burial - ie the deceeased is present.)

SparkyBlue · 30/04/2024 08:43

The main thing is to see the family and offer condolences. I'd often just catch them before the mass or afterwards if I had DC with me or if I was rushing to collect DD from preschool. I would only attend the burial if it was family or close friends and similar to the food and drinks afterwards. I'm in Ireland though so funerals are culturally a bit different but the main thing is always to see the bereaved person that you know and offer sympathy in person

GettingStuffed · 30/04/2024 08:45

I've been to two in the last couple of years most people only came to the service.

HcbSS · 30/04/2024 10:49

Crunchymum · 26/04/2024 06:51

It's a Catholic service, then cremation. I have actually asked (it's a dear friend's relative) but they haven't replied. I get the impression they expect everyone to be at every part though.

Take your cue from them. For my grans funeral just family traveled to the church behind the hearse, everyone at the service, then we had a private cremation just family with the vicar and we joined everyone at the wake (which most came to).

celticprincess · 30/04/2024 10:59

Family only at the house to the service/crem. I’ve been to a couple of family ones where we’ve been to the house and the coffin has been inside and people can go and lay last respects before it’s sealed up. We were asked if we had anything we wanted to put in coffin. Was a burial but not catholic. Teenage child. Then we had a catholic one where we all went in the house and the coffin was open, priest came to say prayers and we had to all file pas and kiss the deceased. I was shocked as never had I been to an open coffin like this. Was catholic in England but also Irish family so guess am Irish thing as never been to open catholic coffin at the house again for prayers.

For all the other non family funerals I’ve met at the crem/seevice. Some services are in the crem and some religious ones are at church first then crem. For my dad’s burial we announced that family would be attending the graveside but others were welcome if they wished but no pressure if they didn’t and we wouldn’t them at the wake. Have also been to some where I’ve not attended wake due to work constraints.

Imisssleep2 · 30/04/2024 19:33

If not close family or friend you would just meet at the service then go to the wake after

Jowaratymo · 28/06/2024 08:14

From my experience, it really depends on your relationship with the deceased and the family's preferences. For a distant acquaintance, attending just the service is often enough. However, if you feel close to the family or want to offer more support, going to the crematorium and wake could be appreciated. The FTC's Funeral Rule mentions that you have the right to choose the specific services you want, which is worth keeping in mind. If you're interested, there's an article on Vents Magazine that delves deeper into funeral etiquette and the FTC guidelines. Take a look online https://ventsmagazine.com. Hope this helps a bit!

LoveWindChimes · 28/06/2024 08:16

I don't have a lot of experience with funerals but I always thought that the crematorium/graveside part was for the closest people only. I could be wrong.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 28/06/2024 09:21

I'm Catholic (well, lapsed, but I know how things are done). Basically v close friends and family only at house. Everyone at church/crem/grave. Everyone from church /crem welcome at wake, but not necessarily expected if other pressures on your time. . There may be a handful of people who go to wake without previous bits.

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