Does having no social life impact your children

[WaterLilly28]

So I'm a bit socially anxious and have never been good at making friends, although I loved to. In my late 20's I became a single mother to a girl who is 14 years old now, and I am on early 40's. Because I had no social life and friends, my dd also had never been in social gatherings that much, except with extended family of mine. She never had playdates and have no cousins of similar age. I feel if I had friends their kids probably would've been her friends or at least she would've have clue and knowledge how to make friends and have gathering. Dd is also shy and wouldn't initiate to speak to anyone. She have only 1-2 friends in school who she hardly meets outside of school. In the holidays she is mostly at home and goes out with me just at shopping. Going out on groceries is basically only our excuse to get out really. Should I be worried that my dd will end up lonely like me or can I hope she might actually come out of the shell one day, when she's older and may have a normal social life of her own? Do you guys think this is possible? What scares me the most about her future is that she have no siblings like I have. So she will be even more alone without social life.

I suspect by 14, her character is largely formed.

I do think that what your parent(s) do(es) gives you the expectation of what "normal" life looks like and there is a correlation between people who are 'joiners' and people whose parents are 'joiners' and a correalation between people who accept invitations to things easily / try new things / have a little bit of relaxed spontaneity in their lives, and people whose parents were like that, yes.
However if you feel you are missing out, then I think as a parent I would have put myself out of my comfort zone, to make sure my dd didn't follow me if at all possible.
I would have had children round to play, and I definitely would have signed her up to various activities when she was younger.
I suspect the habit she is in, with the example she has grown up with isn't really likely to change greatly now.

Did she never belong to any clubs, have any hobbies, activities?

Why don't you go and enjoy yourselves at the beach, cinema or a museum?

Why don't your daughter join girl guides, football practise or a choir?

Tbh 14 yo should do something out of the home with other youngers.

It sounds like a very small life for a 14 year old girl OP.
All she does is go grocery shopping with you? Do you never go to the cinema, bowling, out for a meal, a walk around a town you have never been to before, swimming, crazy golf, trampolining, lazer quest etc etc? There are so many things you can do together that don't require her to have friends at this stage.
She also really needs a hobby, ideally something that she can do a couple of days a week. Scouts are great and very welcoming, they also usually go on lots of camps throughout the year so she would be able to start spending time out of school with people her own age.
My 14 year old daughter does horse riding once a week which she started when she was 4, it has given her confidence in her abilities and shown her what she can achieve with commitment.
Your daughter can have a rewarding social life when she is older but as her parent you need to help her, not just hope she gets it later on in life.

Socialising is a skill and a habit.

Some people are naturally sociable, but many need a bit of help. And a bit part of that is a parent modelling what it can look like.

So I suspect your daughter might need a bit more of a push than most to get out there. I agree with others - it’s not too late for her to try a drama group/ sport / whatever.

She must be quite bored, apart from anything else.

Honestly I think I'd have really benefitted from seeing my parents model some social behaviour. I can remember being about your DDs age and my parents expecting me to have social skills and also values that they had made zero attempt to teach or model. It does sound like you at least get that your DD might struggle though.

I agree you can't change her character and now I'm older I get that adult friends are hard to make. I'd focus on what you can do and what skills she can learn.

I think people are largely born with their character, if she was a very bold and sociable child she'd have done things that reflect that. She'd have asked you to take her to brownies etc and you would have.

It’s not too late for either of you to go out and do stuff if you’d like to.

Do you know how your DD feels? Does she want to do any activities or see friends ?

Very gently OP, you are right to realise that this is a problem and it is great that you are reaching out for advice to make a change. A fourteen-year-old should have more in her life than school and grocery shopping with her mother. At fourteen she should be developing her confidence and independence by going out on her own with her friends. It is really important that you address this now, because if you don't, university and the workplace will feel impossible.

It's good that she has some friends at school. Start by encouraging some social contact with them outside of school. For example, you could drop DD off at the cinema to meet her friends and leave them to go in on their own. At first, you might want to stay close by and go for a coffee or whatever but over time you need to withdraw so that she can eventually, for example, go for a McDonald's with her friends and then get the bus home independently.

A hobby or other structured group would be a very good idea. What does she like to do? At fourteen she could join a Rangers unit, which might suit her if a single-sex group is likely to be less intimidating. Maybe consider approaching her form tutor; I am a secondary school teacher and I would absolutely help to find your daughter some clubs or groups to suit her if you or she asked.

Good luck

I think some of it does depend on your personality op.

My parents were social butterflies. Always a party, day out, club, activity, sport etc.

It was absolute hell for me. I just wanted to read my books (which I'd take with me to gatherings and days out to try to find a quiet place to hide). Everyone talking at me constantly gave me a headache and I often felt too exhausted from the forced social-ness to do anything else afterwards. If anything, it made me hate socialising more because I resented getting no break from it.

DH and ds are exactly like me. Ds has one close friend ad prefers to chill out at home with a book or go to the cinema. A family party would be his idea of hell.

Dd is the opposite, she has so many friends at school and can make friends with absolutely anyone anywhere. But she also enjoys the downtime when she comes home.

We do things as a family, days out etc..but they tend to be to quieter places (hiking is a favourite).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can make yourself miserable trying to fit your personality into something it is not, just because that is 'normal'. People who thrive on and need social contact will never understand that it isn't healthy or beneficial for everyone.

I'll caveat that with just staying at home all the time probably isn't great for you, but there are quite a few hobbies and trips out that don't involve being in a crowd, or having to talk to people you don't want to.

If grocery shopping is your daughter's only exercise, but she's happy to go out with you, try going for walks together. Get out and appreciate the natural world.

You have had some great advice here, and I would also suggest that on a small scale, your interactions with DD, if responsive, engaged, warm and curious, a) do model social skills and will b) create positive associations which will hopefully incentivise her to seek the fun and affirmation of friendship elsewhere too.

Yes.
I've had anxiety my whole life and my kids are older teens now and I realised my anxiety has rubbed off on them and they all prefer to stay at home and are socially anxious. My eldest especially.

Yeah this! You are who you are . She will be absolutely fine, Sibling's aren't always the answer either - often not bothering with each other x

I'm not anxious and I would like to socialise but I can't due to family reasons. This has impacted my DC hugely as I am not modelling social norms and they are not learning the rules of normal behaviour. It is my biggest worry in life.

I have social anxiety, my DD does too and her youngest brother to a lesser extent. DD needed a real push to get out there but she's doing a lot better now. I signed her up for football and she surprised herself by loving it. Its been really great for her self esteem, she's feeling a lot more confident and her mental health is better then it's been for a long time. She's always loved dancing, but I still had to make her do it because of her anxiety. It took her quite a few lessons before she felt comfortable enough and now she loves going. If I don't push her to do things (with support) her life gets very very small. Her siblings don't change that and I barely see any of mine so its no guarantee of anything. Exercise is good for mental health, team sports can help with confidence and even just in the game and training there's an element of social interaction. It you chose a club that is about fun and social playing rather than seeing it as competition there's no real pressure too. If she gets involved in a football club there's always a need for volunteers and she could see you interacting with other's too.

If you are close to your family could you at least maybe start by getting her to go to the cinema or a shopping trip to town or bowling or any of the other ideas with a favourite auntie or uncle?
It sounds like it could be a huge leap for her to meet a mate at the cinema but she really could do with more in her life than she currently has

DH and I have no friends or family. When DD was younger we used to socialise as a family (meals, theatre, cinema, etc) but never with anyone else because we had nobody else. I do think it made DD more insular and she is still a loner as an adult. I wish things could have been different but we had no choice.

Would you feel happy talking to her about it? Not as if it is already an issue, but with curiosity. Maybe ask, 'DD - we live a very quiet life. I was wondering, are you happy with this or would you like your life to be a bit more sociable?' If she is happy, let her know it's fine to be introverted. But keep chatting about what her plans for life are. Introverts need to ensure they have sufficient contact with the outside world to meet a partner if they want one, make an impression at work if they are career driven etc. And now is the time to help her develop sufficient skills. In a couple of years' time, maybe she'd benefit from a customer-facing job. Working in a shop, garden centre or cafe really helps shy teens develop social skills.

There are loads of ways to be sociable without having friends. Joining a choir, working out in a class or gym rather than online at home, attending a church, or volunteering at something you care about - community gardening, soup kitchen or political party. All these bring you into contact with people, without the pressure of making friends. And friendships might grow from these.

You could do some of these together, like an evening yoga or dance class. You could go on a small-group adventure holiday - like the ones organised Explore or Exodus. You end up chatting away and while you might not make life long friends, you do inevitably socialise and bond while you are there - and those temporary bonds are very valuable too.

And also, if you want friends, you can do these things for yourself, so you are modelling behaviour to her that proves you can make friends at any time of life, when you feel ready to.

My mother is socially awkward (polite way of putting it). It has taken me literally years to work out that some of her ways of interacting with others were not "normal" and would actually put people off and how many of these I had unconsciously adopted.

If your daughter doesn't have many friends at school, does she actually know "how" to make friends? I didn't and it's not something you can easily work out yourself without a huge amount of self awareness which would be unusual in a 14 year old. So that would be the thing I would work on with her.
I agree that her life seems very limited for a 14 year old.