Am I doing the right thing? My DC hates me.

[DancingInTheSun]

DC is 13 (14 in May). She has ASD and is in a special needs school where she has access to all of the support and therapies she needs.

DC has always struggled in life and is a highly anxious child; she’s had a very stressful time of things and has never been open to therapies which may help her. It’s always been a battleground. I’ve always been honest with her about what is needed and why but she’s always resented me for it.

There have been breaks in certain interventions but as I saw no progress, I asked for them to be reinstated. DC then made progress even though she didn’t want to participate.

Today, DC told me that after the half term break , she no longer wants to continue with interventions (this would be a natural end point with the choice to continue in the following term). I listened to her and said that whilst I felt they should continue, I agreed that I would ask for them to stop.

Out of nowhere, she became very angry with me, shouting about how I’ve ruined her life by forcing her to attend therapies , how I don’t understand her, how I know nothing, how they haven’t helped her and I’m trying to make her life awful. She told me I was a crap mum and that I do things behind her back to make her ‘get help’. It went on and on and she said some very hurtful things.

Now I’m doubting myself and guessing whether I should have sought any support for her at all. Should I have persevered with therapies she didn’t want? The conditions she has needed various therapies for, are likely to have an adverse effect on life chances if left untreated. I’ve seen positive progress by the support she’s received but she disagrees.

She hates me. This is not normal teenage angst, she has a deep rooted resentment toward me for ‘controlling her life’.

Reassurance I’ve done the right thing? Surely this is parenting? Please be kind.

Bump 😳

What kind of therapies?

Yes it depends on the therapies.

However I generally take the view that im the parent and the adult and so know what's best for my kids. Once they're of an older age like 16 they get more autonomy, but on the whole I don't think a 13 yo knows what's best for them.

I had two friends who have children now older with diagnosed ASD. One just let her child dictate everything, like your DD they used to verbally abuse her. She was totally controlled by him. Everything was led by him. The other I don’t know if stood up to her child is the right terminology to use but she stood up to her child and had boundaries and made them do things they didn’t want to.

Last I heard and both of those friendships sort of faded away during covid the parent that had stood up to her child, her child now almost 18 was doing better. I never knew this woman that well as it was through a hobby group that she eventually left when she got a new partner. But the other woman who had always complied, her child had become really difficult. I mean maybe it was partly down to the personality of each child but that child knew they would never be reprimanded or made to do a thing.

If it's something like ABA, there are a lot of autistic adults who say they resented the behavioral conditioning it represents.

I've not heard many autistic people coming out in favour of it - but dissenting voices are always louder so that community may exist

https://www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/controversy-autisms-common-therapy/

If it's something like physiotherapy, then reducing the movement elements of ASC and minimizing toe walking, to ensure long term mobility then it's probably been worth pursuing.

What are the therapies? ABA is well known to be problematic as it just forces people to seem less autistic to make those around them more comfortable. Lots of autistic people have displayed post traumatic stress from being put through it. So it really depends on what she has been doing as to whether it has been reasonable. She is also a teenager after all.

It depends on the therapies, the aim of the therapies, the quality of the therapists, the demands placed on your daughter vs what is being achieved...

Yeah I've had the same from my 13 year old, apparently I am evil for making her to go two therapy sessions and trying Prozac so that she could attempt school after 18 months of sitting in her room.

She was just venting though, and apologised later. I think we are just the closest punchbag who will always forgive.

The main therapy was speech therapy because she has or had a severe stammer. The stammer was so bad, she could not get a sentence out. It developed when she moved to in to junior school.

She did not want to attend the sessions but I noticed a vast improvement over a slow period of time. She does still stammer when she’s nervous but she can now string a sentence together coherently. She believes this would have happened without support (I disagree and it was severely impacting every aspect of her life) .

The other therapies are hobby based. Her special interest is architecture and her school use things such as Lego therapy to engage her socially. This has had a positive impact on her overall but she would rather not go and this is what she wants to end after term. I’ve agreed to end it but her feelings have spilled out .

I would be pushing for both of those therapies to continue in your shoes.

You are doing your best for your daughter. Sometimes you have to accept that doing the best is not doing what they want. I would certainly not allow her to rude or abusive language but obviously she's entitled to her opinion. When she's 18 she can take responsibility, until then it's down to you. Being able to interact with people will give her the best opportunity for a full, independent life.

She's 13. She has ASD so the presentation of her feelings may be unusual but the feelings are completely normal unfortunately. You know that the therapies have helped her. With the Lego thing I presume she can pick it up again if necessary. With the speech therapy I would suggest you both talk to the speech therapist about their methods and what they think, but if she still wants to drop it you can let her.

I think the key here is talking to her and exploring the anger she's talking about. It may have been an outburst in the moment because she wasn't getting what she wanted but it may also be anger based on her interpretation of your motives and it might help to get to the bottom of that. When she has calmed down you could ask her what she meant.

A 13 yr old girl with ASD is tricky to manage but it is time to change your approach from dealing with a difficult child to talking to a complicated young woman and allow her to express herself in that way (you don't have to listen to her slag you off eternally though. 13 yr olds are brutal).

I wonder if there's an element of her wishing to be like her peers and she is blaming you because it is easier than accepting that she has these difficulties that she needs ongoing help for?

13/14 year old have a tendency to consider their parents to be at fault at all times.

I think I'd give her a few days and then sit down again to agree a way forward. It doesn't need to be a battle but it might be helpful to understand what her priorities are and plan together how to get there.

Speech and Lego therapy sound fab!

As a teen girl she may not want to be 'othered'.

I work with a lot who don't want to be seen being taken out of class and don't want to be seen as having reasonable adjustments because it makes them different from their mates
Kids who are bright but have illegible writing who could do well at GCSE but won't get marks because the examiner won't be able to read their papers. Can type, but won't use a laptop in school because they don't want to be seen as different - and being the same as everyone else is more important to them than passing their GCSEs.

Teen girls are hard. This too shall pass.

I think this is it. My daughter will swear blind to people that there's nothing wrong with her and everything is fine, when that's very demonstrably untrue.

It must be very very hard to come to terms with though, especially at this age when they just want to be completely unremarkable.

At her age I'd give her a break. If she doesn't engage willingly then what's the point?

She knows you love her unconditionally and so lashing out at you due to her frustrations is safe.

Parents have to make the best choice at the time, with the information available to them - the therapies you made her go to, have materially improved her life, whether she's mad about it or not. If you hadn't made her go to speech therapy, she could equally 'hate' you because she felt further disadvantage.

It was your job to get her as much help and support as possible and you did that, so have nothing to feel guilty about.

Sounds like she is mad she isn't 'normal'... And is blaming you. As dm's we get blamed for all sorts.. My ds has ASD and gets annoyed now and again he isn't like his mates...

Sounds a bit like my asd dd. She would beg for more help with her social/anxiety issues, then reject it as soon as it became available. I suspect adolescence was a factor, as now she is through it she is accepting help (though much less available for adults...).

Mine was like this at 13. I used to pay her to go to medical appointments which worked.

At 17, she’s much more open to engaging. But ASD is a communication disorder. Mine gets exhausted with too many appointments. Gets ‘peopled out’

Tbh the thing that helped the most was ADHD medication. It really helped with her anxiety.

My kid who is 14 can be like this, he hates not being like his peers and won’t engage with any therapies or supports as he doesn’t want to think he needs “fixed”. I can see both sides, its a tough age.

TY this thread has really helped me reset my thoughts about the situation. Deeply, I know I’ve done the right thing, but it is hard not to doubt myself when coming up against constant resentment.

She’s not ready to talk yet but when she is, I’m going to do as suggested upthread. I suspect it is very much not wanting to be different from her peers, but I thought this would not be such an issue when she moved to her special needs school in year 5 as her peers are now more like her and they “get each other”. I also believe she’s struggling to accept she’s autistic and questioning her identity.

I tell her that being a teen is hard and it’s normal to not want my help, but sometimes I have to make decisions in her best interests that she may not agree with. She disagrees completely and inherently believes I’m set out to ruin her life. She thinks the only reason I had DC was so I could ruin her life. It’s a very difficult and sad mindset to navigate.

The opposite is true. I have had a long, stressful battle to get her everything she needs because I want the best outcomes for her. I’ve made huge sacrifices to help her and I would do it all over again. It’s why her words sting so much.

DS has ADHD, not ASD, so our experience is different I'm sure. However, I think what is true is that for ND children, it can be harder to learn some lessons or skills and, equally importantly, it can be difficult for them to express themselves "appropriately". What this looks like will vary from person to person of course.

DS is still furious that I insist he goes to his maths intervention at school. He hates maths, believes he doesn't need it etc. But as the highest mark he's managed to achieve in an assessment so far is 6/30, I think we can all agree he definitely DOES need it because come what may, he will need to pass his maths GCSE eventually. This doesn't stop him resenting me every day. Or telling me that I'm making him do it because I think he's stupid. Or telling me I am making him do it but it's pointless because he IS stupid.

Obviously, considering your average teenager already thinks they know everything and the adults in their lives are clueless, the ND just adds an extra layer to that!

Personally, I would not be cancelling the speech therapy. The lego therapy, possibly, only because it could be seen as optional and something for her enjoyment and if she's not enjoying it, then I guess it's time to move on. Incidentally, my friend with a DD with ASD finds this difficult too - her DD wants to do all the things, then very quickly changes her mind and is very very difficult and obstructive, often because the activity is hard and she doesn't like that. Understandable, but...

I can't speak for children with ASD, but isn't it pretty normal for teenagers to think their parents are cruel/mean/ruined their lives?

Actually, the most helpful thing I ever did for myself and my relationship with my parents was some therapy in my early 20s - it really helped me to reframe the resentment towards my parents that I was still carrying around and see that sometimes, even when they did make mistakes it was usually with the best of intentions. And also, that sometimes they weren't mistakes - it was just my perception.

Oh I feel so sorry for both of you. You're a good mum OP and you are right to make her do those therapies. I am 42 and have Cerebral Palsy, and I generally didn't like speech therapy, or physio or occupational therapy as a child. As adult though, I have realised that they did help me walk better, talk better, be more independent than I would otherwise have been. It's hard though as a kid, because you just want to feel the same as others, you don't want to miss out on things because you have therapy, and you don't want to put the extra effort in. Also I think it's tricky because the benefits of the therapies aren't immediately obvious. She can't go "I'm in pain if I don't do this and I'm not if I do". There's no absolute way to measure whether it's "working". I also think that she may not see that she is "better" with the therapy. She maybe doesn't recognise herself doing something "better", because she may not totally understand what she is struggling with. She's only 13 though, and it is very much your job to get her to do what you know will help her in life, because I think most 13 year olds would still struggle with that, add in the ASD and, I suspect, her picture of the future is decided unclear.