People pleaser problems have cost me £300

[BelindaBee13]

I'm so pissed off with myself.

I have ADHD among other things and have a real problem telling people no.

Every year me and DH go to butlins with our 3 DC. I know some people think its crap but the kids love it. We're a ND family and it works for us.

My friend also takes her DD to butlins every year (not with us). When she was there last year she suggested she and I could go together some time with our DD's.

It's my DD who is friends with hers, my other DC don't come on play dates as my eldest is severely autistic and doesn't 'do' play dates - plus my youngest was only a baby at the time. We think it's good for DD to have a friendship that's just hers and doesn't need to factor in DS' needs, If that makes sense?

Anyway, I breezily said yeah we could do that some time.

Only on the last day of their break there she said she wants to book it now as you get a discounted rate if you book whilst on resort and she wants to do it quickly before they leave. She also gets an emergency services discount. I felt really put on the spot without time to think it through so agreed to placate her and then totally forgot all about it as I had a big op coming up and a lot of stuff going on.

It turns out, it's just not feasible for me to go. That break is in August and we already had our family trip booked for September. I don't want to go twice in 2 months and DH can't just take an extra week off work to look after the other 2 whilst I go with DD.

I have mentioned to her that I don't think I'm going to be able to go as I'll have my other 2, so she (very kindly) offered to just take DD with her. I will honour the cost either way.

Except,

I don't think DD is going to cope with 4 nights away from us. There's a chance she too might have autism albeit a much 'milder' form than DS and I can see her feeling out of her depth. She's very clingy with me (she only turns 5 next week)

So now I'm paying £300 for something that doesn't work for us (I've paid half so far, clearing the rest next week) and DD might not even want to do by herself. I can't even really afford it if I'm honest but wouldn't dream of not paying.

Would you try to send DD or not?

Probably wouldn't do it either tbh

What bit? 😬

If she’ was older , 8 plus, I would but I think 4-5 is probably too young. But you know your dd best. If she’d be happy with friend’s mum and friend for a few nights then prepare her for it nearer the time. As you’ve got to pay anyway keep it as an option.

Does she do overnights with the friend? If not could you try that to see if she can cope with one night away and then decide. She may have a great time.

Would she be allowed to supervise 2 in the pool?

I've just gone over her message again and she said its £279pp (booked based on me and DD going)

I've paid £150 so far.

So I may owe her double what I thought. I'm panicking now.

I've asked her to confirm whether I'm paying the £279 for DD or another £279 on top of that.

Go for a couple of days?

How far away is it? Is it possible to take her for 1 day, leave her overnight and collect the next, perhaps taking all the kids on one of the days.

I don't think I can, I'll have my boys as DH won't be able to get the time off work.

I won't be able to manage all 3 on my own there, DS care needs means he needs both me and DH for things like that.

I wouldn't pay double if she said she had all the discounts, unless you got best accommodation and add ons.

Phone butlins. Explain the situation, say you are a loyal customer and keen to come back when you want to but can't for this booking. Get the money back. Then come up with a list of things to say to stop people pleasing (I'm a sufferer myself) like "ooh need to check in with dh on that one so I'll let you know" or "ah that's a big birthday weekend for second cousin twice removed im afraid"

You maybe able to pay a small admin fee and change the booking to more suitable date.

Are any of the days over the weekend, or when your DH will be off work? Could he compromise and take off 2 days. It would be nice for you and your dd to go. I'm out the loop with butlins prices, but does that seem high, or around about the price you'd expect in August?

She’s not paying double if she was told 279PP originally. She just didn’t read her text properly.

Do you have any other friends that could go with you instead of DH? To help out a bit?

That seems high anyway, even if discounted. Just tell her sorry, you either need to move the dates or cancel.

Sorry I wasn't clear. I wouldn't send my 5yo and would worry about supervision in the pool etc. But like others say if she spends time with the friend on sleepovers and wants to go, and you trust the friend maybe it will be OK.

I think it will be £279. When she said £279pp she was probably meaning for you and her. If not unfortunately you should still pay as she did tell you this originally and you didn’t question it.

Do you live nearby? Could your DD go with her and then you pick her up early if she’s not managing ok. Or could you meet her there for one of the days at all? Could your husband take one day off / is it over the weekend when he might be off? You wouldn’t need to go for the whole time but at least it wouldn’t be a complete waste if you could do a couple of days.

My DD is a similar age and I wouldn’t send her for the whole time. I probably wouldn’t send her at all without me unless I knew the friend very very well.

Not a chance I'd send my clingy 4 year old away with a *friend for 4 nights (were also an nd household) I'd be cancelling via butlins and expect to lose my deposit but not pay any further money. I would tell my fiend its just not affordable and childcare is unavailable.

Thank you for the replies, she has confirmed it's not 2 x £277. Phew.

I definitely trust her with DD, she's a fab mum and a really nice person, but as mentioned it might be a bit much for her to keep an eye on both of them in the pool if they want to go in different directions.

It's a Monday - Friday break and unfortunately DH works Mon - Fri. We don't have any family who help us out with childcare either.

We live in outer London and the holiday park is in Bognor Regis. Its about a 1.5hr train journey if I recall correctly.

I forgot to say, yes she's had the odd sleep over at friends house and has been absolutely fine. I'm just not sure she'd feel as secure being far away from home over 4 nights.

You are still people pleasing. You don’t necessarily have to pay full costs and not go, is it possible she could move her booking into smaller accommodation and you could just pay cancellation fees or cost difference. Would she want to look after your daughter for 4 days. If they are super close I’d try having sleepovers a day a week for a while so they are comfortable with that set up.