Impact on kids friendships

[TheBlackIsland]

I admit it, I am socially inept. I don't really know what I do wrong but I am always on the edge of things and always have been.
I have pretty much given up having proper friends for me, however I am worried for my kids. They have lots of school friendships, but I feel me never being part of a group is harming them.
My DD was at a party at the weekend and it became clear there was an 'after party' at the birthday girls house. Lots and lots of kids were invited (and parents) but not my DD. My DD (aged 6) is very good friends with the girl. I know she is as I see their interactions. They seek each other out at parties or in the playground. They both have lots of other friends but they definitely are great friends and have a nice easy friendship. The mum is very popular (as are her kids) and she's ok to me but I don't think she particularly likes me, and she also likes people who are cool or interesting or influential, which she definitely doesn't see me as.

In fact the grandmother of the girl made a remark to me at the party that showed she took it for granted I'd be invited, so she knows the girls are close. I felt a bit sad as I hustled my DD away from the party venue with her saying 'but Chloe/Alice/Beth (not real names) are still there, why do we have to go?'

I know this all sounds a bit tragic and I'll get told I'm 'overinvolved' but I am really worried. 😣I feel now that parents are more involved than when they were when I was a child, and that my inability to be 'in' with anyone will harm their social life. Some parents go away for weekends together for example. My DS and DD just wouldn't get included as we're not friends with the parents. All their friends parents are part of at least one group. I see it at school sports or whatever; the other parents are very friendly and me and DH are never really included.

I think you are over thinking this. Kids won't notice and many parents aren't in a group of friends. I note you aren't saying the same about your DH negatively affecting them but he doesn't appear to be any different and you've not said he has friend groups? If he does then the kids are seeing the behaviour you seem to think important modelled. It's not just the female role to model friendships and how to act around other human beings. The kids will be fine, often it's making friends that is the hard bit.

I don't think it makes the slightest difference to the children, and that your own insecurities are getting in the way here.

she's ok to me but I don't think she particularly likes me, and she also likes people who are cool or interesting or influential, which she definitely doesn't see me as

This is a bit weird. She's not obliged to like you, and it's pretty normal for people to like people they think of as interesting. It's certainly the thing I look for in a friend. Are you suggesting that a nicer person would like you even though she doesn't find you interesting?

You are definitely overthinking this. I have a 6 year old. I'm friendly as in can talk at the school gate, but not friends with, any of the parents in his year. It's totally normal for kids to meet up outside of normal planned events. It's quite possible just the parents were getting together for some reason or someone was giving someone else a lift home. Or they were all going to gymnastics that afternoon, but decided they'd stop for some reason at the party girls house on the way since they were all coming from the party.

I've never invited anyone in his year over to our house and I'm not especially interested in being friends with any of the parents. It hasn't impacted at all on his friendships. As they get older, it's much more about a willingness to facilitate those friendships (drive them around to drop off/pick up) and to do the logistical organising (arranging to collect whoever after school and drop them back off at home once whoever's parents have gotten home from work). Because honestly they aren't 3 anymore and parents don't really want to come over for tea and cake and a chat after a certain age in most cases.

Why not offer for some of the girls to come over to yours? Be willing to collect them from school and then you can drop them home later. That's the best way to support your dd's friendships. You don't have to be besties with the parents at all.

No, she's a nice person. I like her. But I just think she's doesn't particularly like me, not that she dislikes me.

I just wonder if there's a way to navigate these things when a lot of the parents are friends, and you aren't part of that at all.

I never used to think it mattered. When I was a child it didn't at all, but times have changed. I briefly discussed this with a neighbour who has two kids and is very social, and she immediately said oh yes, it helps so much as my kids have grown so close to the kids of my school mum friends. They all go away on group holidays or weekends together.

I do try with things like bbqs, but when the parents are very busy and social, they don't really tend to be that bothered when I suggest stuff.

Some of the mums may well know people already - in my area there were a clique of mums who all grew up here and never moved, they all had kids around the same time. It was sometimes a bit intimidating in the playground when they have big groups but it's not for everyone. I had no interest in their interests and didn't know half the people they would gossip about. You honestly don't have to be best mates with other parents. If your dd gets on with someone by all means go to the park with their friends and parents and have a chat about reading levels or the school fete but you really don't have to suggest holidays if you barely know someone.
Edit for spellings - biscuit crumbs in keyboard 😬Was worth it.

Watching as I worry about this with my DD. She is only 16m but I struggle to make friends and worry it will impact on her. I'm quite happy on my own now (and my DH is a bit of a loner too) but I want her to not feel different like I did

OP, I felt the same in primary school. I felt on the periphery of the school mums and it affected how involved my DD was in things. A couple of the mums would try harder to get their kids involved with the in-gangs but I didn't have time (work FT with a 2-hour round trip) or inclination. Nobody was specifically horrible, it's just that I wasn't on their radar for being invited to social events. My DD went to an after-school activity a few times a week and made great friends through that so she was fine socially. High school is much better. Such as that's cold comfort to you, seeing as your DD is still only little.