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Original poster

Nothing makes my brother happy

23 replies

Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 15:45

My brother has a child with ADHD and since my neice was diagnosed, nothing makes him happy. I completely understand its been life changing and so difficult and ive done everything I can think of to help, childcare included. Today we're round his for his birthday and I've done a buffet and bought an expensive cake and balloons and presents but my neice has got cross about getting out the paddling pool and my brothers told me if she doesn't improve we'll all have to go home. There's already been tons of drama this morning about whether we were even going to do anything and weeks before that or whether we'd celebrate his birthday at all
This happens every year. Nothing I do makes any difference or brings him any happiness at all.

OP posts:
skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 15:46

how long ago was she diagnosed? any treatment plan?

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 15:47

This happens every year.

so not just post diagnosis?

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 21/04/2024 15:49

Having a child who has additional needs or behavioural issues is hard work.

You seem to be making this about you and your brother - if he's not happy about something significant, a cake isn't going to change that. Maybe a quieter birthday would have been better for your niece.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
Poshcatwithbigears · 21/04/2024 15:50

Is it even anything to do with the diagnosis ?

Perhaps he has his own issues ?

My DD has adhd and now on treatment,it’s no big deal.

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 15:53

It’s a difficult one op.

Was your brother implying that by coming you had contributed to his dd’s excitability today?

If so, I think that’s a little unfair, given the effort you have put in.

On the other hand, they are probably exhausted and dread high days and holidays in case their dd becomes disregulated.

Or is it the diagnosis causing his depression. If so, he might need some help accessing resources and information.

Either way, maybe not today, but it might be time for a calm but honest chat another day? Ask him what he expects of you and you put your side too.

Original poster
Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 15:54

He never enjoyed his birthday, always says our parents haven't made enough effort in the past.
We have done something really low key, we're in the garden. Haven't gone out as brother doesn't like to take neice out always.

OP posts:
skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 15:55

so has bugger all to do with diagnosis

and been ongoing for many years

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 15:58

Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 15:54

He never enjoyed his birthday, always says our parents haven't made enough effort in the past.
We have done something really low key, we're in the garden. Haven't gone out as brother doesn't like to take neice out always.

Oh well in that case maybe ask him if he would prefer he doesn’t have a birthday party in his honour next year?

I obviously can’t judge about your parents but people didn’t make such a big thing of birthdays then.

All in all, it’s very difficult to get people to enjoy their birthday when it depresses them! You can’t change others! Maybe put more effort in to things you can control? And don’t make him any more cakes!

Original poster
Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 16:07

Tarteline843 · 21/04/2024 15:53

It’s a difficult one op.

Was your brother implying that by coming you had contributed to his dd’s excitability today?

If so, I think that’s a little unfair, given the effort you have put in.

On the other hand, they are probably exhausted and dread high days and holidays in case their dd becomes disregulated.

Or is it the diagnosis causing his depression. If so, he might need some help accessing resources and information.

Either way, maybe not today, but it might be time for a calm but honest chat another day? Ask him what he expects of you and you put your side too.

He goes to a support group and accesses all the resources but nothing ever gets better.

OP posts:
loropianalover · 21/04/2024 16:19

At a certain point you just need to wash your hands of him a bit OP. Sounds like this is just the way he is and he has no interest in changing. Misers love to drag others down to their level, don’t let him ruin your weekends/family time like this.

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 16:21

what is your frame of mind and mood like OP?

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 21/04/2024 16:23

Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 15:54

He never enjoyed his birthday, always says our parents haven't made enough effort in the past.
We have done something really low key, we're in the garden. Haven't gone out as brother doesn't like to take neice out always.

What does he want to do for his birthday?

If he has deep-seated issues related to birthdays, I think you need to accept this is how he is and follow his lead.

It's not possible for you to make him happy.

justasking111 · 21/04/2024 16:26

I wouldn't make a fuss from now on. It's his birthday let him spend it in his own way.

reluctantbrit · 21/04/2024 16:32

@Springisnear4 ADHD doesn't get suddenly better, it gets managable and then when you think you got it, something happens and a day is suddenly difficult.

There could be lots of things your niece got caught up in. And it is extremely tiring, frustating and I must admit, I don't know when I was last time really happy.

But - I think if someone is not happy in general about birthdays, you can't do more than accept it and lower your expectations and plans.

AdoraBell · 21/04/2024 16:32

I would leave him to it OP minimal contact and if he complains about that then wait for him to maintain contact.

SummerInSun · 21/04/2024 17:04

Might be worth pointing out to him that his miserable attitude is going to make it harder, not easier, for his child.

Original poster
Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 20:55

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 15:46

how long ago was she diagnosed? any treatment plan?

About a year. On medication.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 20:56

qwertyqwertyqwertyqwerty · 21/04/2024 15:49

Having a child who has additional needs or behavioural issues is hard work.

You seem to be making this about you and your brother - if he's not happy about something significant, a cake isn't going to change that. Maybe a quieter birthday would have been better for your niece.

We stayed in the garden with supermarket food. It couldn't have been more low key.

OP posts:
Original poster
Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 20:56

skipit8103 · 21/04/2024 16:21

what is your frame of mind and mood like OP?

Fine thanks, why?

OP posts:
Original poster
Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 20:57

SummerInSun · 21/04/2024 17:04

Might be worth pointing out to him that his miserable attitude is going to make it harder, not easier, for his child.

I don't think that would go down well somehow...

OP posts:
DoreenonTill8 · 21/04/2024 21:00

Sod him, he sounds like a whinge bag. How can people simultaneously be doing not enough but yet too much to celebrate his wonderfulness?.

Original poster
Springisnear4 · 21/04/2024 21:07

Nothing was good enough. I'd even bought the wrong supermarket pizzas amongst all the buffet food I bought.

OP posts:
notedgy · 22/04/2024 08:15

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

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