Very weird social situation at work

[96thstreet]

I thought long and hard about posting this because it could be a bit outing but I really want to tell someone about it and kind of check the way I feel ? Hopefully it’s vague enough I have plausible deniability

I started a new role within the last 6 months. A really lovely department around 70 people made up of smaller teams of 20 odd people. I’m really happy with my team (semi-senior), the people have all been very welcoming. There is quite a social element to the team - a monthly day out (during work hours so mandatory but everyone keen to go) plus other socials, smaller dinner parties, break off groups going out, a big picnic once a year. Sorry just trying to set the scene.

Within our team there are two people who are in a couple, “Jenny and Tom”. Both in their early fifties, Jenny particularly has been really welcoming, Tom is quiet but helped me with a project when I first started. Both just normal, nice people.

Around a month ago we were on our team day out and one of the big managers came and sat with me during a break in the activity. He asked me how I’m getting on, if I’m settled in, how I’m finding the team. I said yes all lovely and mentioned Tom and Jenny. He got a kind of weird look on his face and said yes they’re really nice, glad they’ve made you feel welcome and sort of ended the conversation quickly and moved on. Slightly odd but ok. Later on that day Tom and Jenny were dancing together with some other people and I said to one of the other people sat with me that they made a nice couple.

She asked me if I “knew about them” and I said what do you mean? She said well has anyone told you about them? Again I was non-plussed. She then divulged that Tom is in fact married to someone else and has been in a relationship with Jenny for over 10 years. Widely, publicly known. He has a whole family 2 hrs away where he lives 3 days a week and a house here which he keeps for work.

She could obviously tell I was shocked and quickly just kind of said well they’ve been here since most of us started, it’s always been like that, it’s just a kind of open secret. I asked if his wife knows and she said no not as far as she knew and the times his wife had come to the yearly socials Jenny and Tom don’t interact.

Im so weirded out by this, they are like the most normal people you wouldn’t look twice at. But more weirded out that everyone just seems to accept it as none of their business (which I suppose it isn’t), his wife presumably/maybe doesn’t have any idea and that the whole team just kind of keep it a secret for them?

I think for the purposes of staying on a completely even keel in terms of how you've been seeing them and not judging, since it's obviously NYB and you can't change it, try and exercise extreme benefit of the doubt about why they're in such an unusual set up.

Maybe it's an arrangement that suits them all for some reason. Perhaps an open marriage, or the wife is incapacitated in some way meaning she doesn't begrudge Tom a romantic and sexual relationship elsewhere.

Of course it could be plain old extra marital cheating but you don't know there isn't more to it (for them to be so open) so just take them as you find them at work and don't get too involved socially in the office. If anyone gossips further, react neutrally. Have a few stock phrases ready to shut it down.

Not your circus…

someone very close to me had an affair for over 30 years. Both married. Neither ever wanted to leave their spouses for various reasons. Their spouses may or may not have known but if they did, they seemed to be at peace with it.

I’m someone who has had a cheating partner and it broke my heart but, whilst I don’t condone affairs, there are some* I just don’t judge.

*serial one-night-standers/‘situationship’ shaggers can fuck right off

Well! Back in the day I worked with an older lady who often mentioned her fella. One day I asked her if he was coming to some event and she said "You do know he's married, don't you?" So I've got no idea how it worked and whether the DW knew, but I do know that my colleague had been with him for donkeys' years and saw him as her partner.
Best to keep out of it and accept it like everyone else has. If there's any fallout or shit to hit the fan then it's up to them to deal with it.

Yes, you're right, it's very weird.

And all the colleagues must feel very awkward when the wife is there and they all go along with the deceit.

Perhaps the wife knows and they've agreed to have some sort of arrangement? Or not. Who knows what goes on in other peoples marriages.

Fascinating situation. Do keep us updated if anything develops. I Love a real life soap opera.

(Grabs popcorn and waits for the torrent of Mumsnet abuse 😊)

I would be extremely uncomfortable with this and want to know why such deceitful people were being employed by my organisation, especially if others were expected to go along with the deceit.

Agree not to get involved or judgemental.

I'd probably steer away from building up a 1-1 friendship with them, as potential for drama, being asked to cover up etc.

And as a solo younger woman you're often an easy target for a scapegoat, as seen as more vulnerable/easier to deal with/weakest link if there's ever any tension.

You don't want to ever be the confidante or witness or end up being triangulated or used as a "cover story" for anything.

Even if the workplace social scene seems ok, it can be helpful sometimes to have a big social life or set and clarify your goals outside of work.

Or have an "escape story" ready as an excuse (family problems or something).

As that can clarify things and stop you getting into any drama.

Like pps say, this isn't that uncommon.

I worked with a couple like this. He was married, she wasn't. He was fairly senior, which is probably why people just went along with it - they felt they had to because their jobs depended on it I suppose.

It’s all very well saying pfft, it’s nobody else’s business. But these two people have made it their colleagues’ business by expecting their collusion when the man’s wife is around. That’s despicable.
Basically the two of them are dishonest and I’d find it impossible to trust them in any way whatsoever.

I first came across this about 25 years ago when a colleague brought his wife to the Christmas party - apart from it wasn’t his wife it was his girlfriend. I’ve encountered various affairs among colleagues subsequently some well known and some not. I wouldn’t turn a hair now o don’t think - although generally I don’t usually get to meet the spouses now ( since partner do s seem to have vanished )

I remember back in the 80s going to a big work event with my Dad (along with my mum and siblings). Dad's boss was there, spending time with his PA. His wife was at home looking after their child.
Some months later there was another event. Same thing happened.
Apparently boss and PA had 'been together ' for several years. Everyone other than the wife knew.
I heard later that he finally left his wife and went on to marry and have more children with the PA.

It is odd, but at the end of the day it's not an employer's job, or the job of someone's co-workers, to tell a colleague's spouse that they're carrying on with someone in the office so you just live with it I guess.

On what grounds would they be made ex employees? It's shitty to have affairs (assuming the wife isn't aware of the arrangement etc) but not against most company's policies.