What percentage of marriages are actually happy do you think?

[chewbrew]

Mostly I've probably seen people's marriages from my own perspective and assumed that the majority of people are happy and deeply love their spouse but recently a few people have said things to me which made me stop and wonder, are they actually happy after all? I don't want to go into details of peoples lives but I did google and the numbers coming up for the percentages of people in an actively happy marriage are around 17% - 30%, with other marriages either unhappy, meh or headed for divorce.

Is this really true? It doesn't seem realistic to me if I'm honest as I hardly know anyone who has been divorced but then that would suggest that as many as 70% of people are unhappy or at least not happy.

What do you think?

Define happy? Marriage is complex and your standard around happiness might vary wildly from mine.

Am shocked you haven't known many divorced people, is this because you don't know many married people overall or is everyone you know in long term marriages?

Divorce rate in 2022 was between 40 and 50% so if nearly half of all marriages will end in divorce it's probably legitimate to estimate similar number of people if not more aren't actively happy.

Suppose it’s what’s meant by happy?

Im contented but I’m not sure if that’s the same as happy.

I don’t think most are endlessly unhappy and miserable though. Would think that figure is less than 15%

Statistically, not many.

Which always makes me wonder why people spend thousands of pounds on weddings.

I'm happily married and have been for 25 years.

He's my second husband though. I was very, very unhappy with the first one (DV).

I suppose happy would mean that you laugh most days with your spouse, that you look forward to seeing them if they have been out of the house or you have been. That you still have a mutually satisfying relationship (that obviously various from couple to couple) but that you still enjoy some kind of intimacy or affection. That you feel you can depend on them, trust them, like them, still find them attractive. Also while I don't think people will be walking around the house getting butterflies at the thought of seeing their husband come out of the loo, I think that there are still times when you see them and you get a rush of that "in love" feeling or that you feel it just cuddling in bed or something.

I agree though it depends on each relationship so by happy I mean that you feel happy and you are glad you are together with your partner.

@TheShellBeach So sorry to hear about your first marriage, nobody should have to go through that but I am glad you are happy now.

@RubyGemStone Everyone I know is pretty much in long term marriages and even those that aren't married (not many) they are with long term partners since they were teenagers. I've had other people say that is unusual. I am from a catholic background so that may play a part in that, although I still think most seem happy.

I think I chose better the second time!

We still make each other laugh and we do miss each other if we're not together.

It's odd because we have very different interests. We enjoy the same holidays, though.

Intimacy has never waned even though we're approaching 70 now.

@TheShellBeach I'm glad to hear it, long may it last!

Also - we're prepared to compromise, and we always apologise if we hurt one another in our occasional arguments. And they are occasional.

I don't believe it's healthy never to disagree with your spouse.

I’m not married but with DP for 12 years and we have a 10yo DC. We are married in everything but name. Would say we are happy and always have been. We bicker at times but this results in laughter.

Sometimes we do fall out but it rarely lasts more than a day.

Maybe not being married is the answer?

@TheShellBeach Sounds like a great relationship! I have to say I don't argue that much with my husband, we tend to be on the same page about most things and when we do disagree we usually talk it out. I do know what you mean though as sometimes when a couple never disagrees it could mean that one partner is being railroaded into agreeing all the time and has just given up and goes along with everything the other says.

@Wishihadanalgorithm I do think that counts as marriage, I just said married as a way kind of shorthand. Perhaps for may not being married does make a difference? I don't know I kind of don't know how it would but perhaps it does? I also read in my googling and on here actually that not having kids might be the reason some marriages are happier but I think it probably does very much depend on the circumstances. I do think being able to laugh at each other and yourself makes a big difference.

70% of divorces are instigated by women. So maybe one half of a couple can be quite content whilst the other half is...less so.

I think lots of people amble along, happy enough for the most part, or at least not actively unhappy. I'm not sure how many couples I know are deeply in love.

I suspect a lot. A lot unhappy, a lot trapped due to finances, children, fear.

@ScubaDivingSpiderMonkey Well I suppose a lot of women will divorce their husbands after years of putting up with terrible behaviour and hoping they will change.

The fact that 40-50 per cent of marriages end in divorce speaks volumes. It means at least half of married couples are very unhappy and I reckon loads more are low level unhappy too. It’s impossible to quantify, but at a guess I’d say 25 per cent are low level unhappy (plus 50 per cent v unhappy). So probably three quarters of married couples are unhappy I reckon.

I would say perhaps 1 in 3 relationships are quite happy. 1 in 3 miserable and headed for divorce should finances permit and 1 in 3 tick over as brother/sister and make do.

I'd guesstimate that around one in four, possibly one in three, are happy. The majority range from making do to utter loathing. Many, many couples stick it out for the children, or money, or housing, or the fear of being alone.

This is very sad indeed.

I'm the same OP. I don't know anyone divorced, one friend of friends and that's it. Also Catholic.

Happiness is a huge spectrum. I would say I'm reasonably content, I read your definition of happy and thought nope that's not me. But I'm a long way from misery. I think that's OK. If you were to ask what percentage are happy with their looks, earnings, friendships, house, family relationships etc I think the statistics would be similar. Most people don't just go around feeling happy that often, some rarely do at all regardless of circumstances.

@Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong Well I think for everyone it will be different, that is just me but someone else it might be different like maybe they are made happy by getting flowers weekly by their husband and maybe he is made happy by doing that or for others its something else. Like you said happiness is a spectrum and its different for different people.

I’m also Catholic and don’t know many divorced couples, apart from my parents. I think a lot of people marry the wrong person. It seems that the problems at the start of the relationship, are the same problems that kill the relationship in the end.

I’ve been with my DH 6 years, married for 2 and I am your description of happy. I appreciate we could still be in the honeymoon stage, but we also have young children and are still very much in love.

I do have a few friends who are divorced but in my family there are have only been 2 divorces (2 of my cousins).

My parents were married for 68 years and were very happy. Both my siblings have been married for 40 years and are happy. Nieces and nephews all married between 16 and 5 years and all seem very happy.

Me and DH have been married 44 years and are happy. We laugh every day and I look forward to him coming home from work and chatting about our day while we eat

Happy? Dh is a good man, he puts up with me! If I had tonnes of money would I live alone? Probably. Possibly. Actually maybe not, he's ok. I'd probably just have a house in east Ibiza that I could pop over to for a week of peace?

@RomeoRivers That is interesting, I wonder if there is less divorce in Catholic families for either religious or cultural reasons? Or perhaps if you are marrying someone from a similar back ground there is less friction?

@mydogisthebest That sounds lovely!