So sick of social anxiety and being seen as unfriendly.

[5GreenLeaves]

I have really bad anxiety. General and especially social. I believe I'm autistic and have ADHD but am awaiting diagnosis.

Everything's is difficult for me.

I've moved to a new street and I'm finding it really hard to interact with new neighbours. DH is a natural at it.

It was the same at our old house, he would stand and talk, I would say hello then scuttle into the house.

He always helped everyone with odd jobs, made everyone laugh.

We have a dog that's really unsociable so when we're coming back from walks I have to get her in the house if anyone stops to talk or else she starts barking at them.

I just talked to the lady who lived here before us and she was saying she had been chatting to our new next door neighbour.

And neighbour had been saying how lovely DH was and funny and that 'the wife seems nice too but she doesn't really chat, just avoids and goes in the house.'

The previous owner explained I'm just shy and said I'm really nice (we've become friendly through WhatsApp)

But it just confirms what my negative, intrusive thoughts tell me all the time.

People think I'm rude and unfriendly.

I've had a cry about it but I can't change. I've had CBT therapy. I've had talking therapy. I've read the books etc.

I just don't like being social. Small talk stresses me out.

I'll. Literally have a 5 min conversation and come inside and shake and get teary with over emotion.

I just feel like a weirdo :(

I'll literally wait at the front door, listening and looking through the peep hole to make sure no one is outside when I go to the car or go to take dog out so I don't have to say hello to anyone.

I just don't know what to say to people. I can feel myself going red. I feel out of place, like an alien.

Well, surely you need to decide which type of discomfort is more tolerable, habituating yourself to talking to people via whatever means, or living with the fact that some people will interpret you’re avoidance of them as rude? The dog needs training if he can’t be around other people without barking, but while you’re working on that, why not just say ‘Sorry, he’s barky— I need to get him inside before he erupts’ rather than just running indoors?

I have a really similar dynamic with my husband. I have decided my comfort at not making small talk is more important than what people think.

Although I am sure lots of people don’t even know my husband has a wife!

She's a rescue that was from an abusive situation, she does really well but guards when she's near home. In the park anyone can walk by but when she's outside her house she thinks shes protecting me so barks at approaching people. She's had training.

She's done amazingly in the last 4 years and has changed completely but there's still a few things that are ingrained and I don't know if she can get over them.

And tbh after what she's been through I'm not really that bothered that she barks at people if they approach us near home.

I'd probably bark at them too, it keeps them away which is a bonus for me.

I'm not asking for a solution I'm just expressing my emotions about being perpetually mentally ill and people's reactions to it.

I guess me and my dog are similar in alot of ways.

I agree.

And 99% of the time I don't bother but when you have a conversation and hear directly that new neighbours have been talking about you and think you're unfriendly it does hurt.

I'm not unfriendly or rude. I'm genuinely scared of social situations.

And you're right. It doesn't matter really but I just wish I was capable of being normal and chatty.

Is this a lifelong thing, or has it worsened? You clearly were able to meet a sociable, NT-sounding husband? How do you manage at work?

The comment “the wife seems nice too but she doesn't really chat, just avoids and goes in the house” doesn’t sound to me like they’re saying they think you’re rude and unfriendly - sounds exactly how you’ve described the level of interaction that you’ve had with them. I’d focus on the ‘nice’ part if I were you, not everyone assumes people who are shy are rude.

Lifelong.

I met my DH at high-school. I don't work.
I don't go anywhere unless it's with DH.

Its not just normal anxiety. I believe I've got serious MH issues but I never seem to get any help.

Just pills.

I think a lot of people, NT or ND, find social interaction difficult, to a greater or lesser degree, particularly in unfamiliar situations. Some feel more comfortable pushing through and getting to know people, some prefer not to fight the feelings and accept a lower level of social contact.

Is one approach better than the other? I would say that if what you are doing makes you feel uncomfortable, specially uncomfortable enough to start a thread on Mumsnet about it, it might not be the best for you. But really that's for you to decide; a random stranger isn't in a position to judge.

In view of your update, I would also suggest that whichever approach you take reinforces your natural inclination. So, if you push on and force yourself into social events you will find they get easier up to a point over the years as you find nothing very bad happens. Conversely, if you avoid social contact as much as possible you will prove to yourself that if you do that you will be OK and be more inclined to do so in the future.

Sorry but that's just not true.

I'm in my 40s now and spent decades being forced into social situations. It didn't become easier or cure me. It just made me have breakdown after breakdown until I stopped making myself do things I didn't want to do.

But now you’re unhappy enough at being considered unfriendly by neighbours to start a thread on Mn about it. If you want to change, what kind of help do you think you need?

Sorry that wanst the whole conversation. She was saying how she was letting them know I'm not rude or unfriendly, just very shy, as she said a few neighbours had noted 'that.'

Suggesting they had mentioned to her I was a bit unfriendly or rude.

I don't expect anything to change. I'm just posting about me emotions, my feelings.

Not every thread is someone asking for a solution to a problem.

Sometimes people just need to talk about their situation maybe with other people in the same boat that understand.

Maybe I should have posted this in Mental Health section.

I'm like this too and can relate to your feelings about it. I feel like a freak. I am able to mask well but it's exhausting 😩

Are you seeking an assessment for ASD? I do wonder if the reason I am like this is neurodiversity as my issues have also been lifelong but I haven't had any sort of assessment.

Very similar here, OP.
Sometimes I think I’ve done really well and been really social and then the person says ‘oh you’re quiet aren’t you’ 😂
Been forcing myself into social situations for decades and it just doesn’t work.

You can’t cure autism no matter how hard you try! Some really strange comments on this thread. I get it. I find social interaction really hard. I feel like a can come across aloof or unfriendly. I do try but it doesn’t come naturally to me. All you can do is just continue saying hello and smiling. If you have the energy try and have a bit of a conversation. People just have to accept you as you are. Not everyone is an extrovert.

Oh I can relate to that 😂

So many times I've thought I've done well and the feedback will be 'oh. She's quiet/shy/reserved isn't she'

And I'd thought I'd been a social butterfly 😂

It's absolutely emotionally exhausting.

Honestly I think it shows poor social etiquette on the neighbours' part - why on earth are they gossiping behind someone's back (especially someone they barely know!)?

Well-rounded people are able to understand and accept that there are a range of personalities in the world and some are more chatty/sociable than others, and that encounters with either type don't warrant commenting on.

And your personal interactions with new neighbours are none of the previous owners business - did you ask for this feedback or was it unsolicited?

Would it help to think about managing relationships with the neighbours as a household responsibility? Then like with other household responsibilities you can divide the labour and just chalk that one up as something your DH takes care of?

What they think of you doesn’t matter, and they probably don’t think much about it either way so try not to give it too much space. I realise that’s much easier said than done of course in the context of your mental health conditions and neurodiversity.

The old householder is odd. Who passes on gossip about a person, unless it is 100% complimentary?
You sound my ideal neighbour, OP!

I was diagnosed as autistic last year age 50 after my daughter was diagnosed and the advice I was giving her was actually coping strategies. I have felt like you do all my life and get tired from social interaction. I have pushed myself into situations that make me feel socially uncomfortable and sometimes it has helped with starting small talk other times I feel like a right weirdo! I have to work full time so have to push myself to feel the fear and do it anyway! Thanks Nike for your slogan! Sounds like your neighbours are old fashioned and don’t get neuro diversity. Try to forget the comment - I know it’s difficult. Just know you are who you are and you are good enough.

This could be undiagnosed neurodiversity. Do the AQ10 and see if anything rings true. Also look at female traits of autism because the AQ10 is a bit male centric.

I'm definitely ND. There's so many other things going on.