Quitting midwifery degree at the end of year two - what else can I do?

[Brokenbey]

I began my degree during Covid, however had a gap for maternity leave and returned this year. Since I’ve been back it has been absolutely awful. The toxicity and bullying culture has me honestly thinking of self harm. I’ve become a shell of a person. My husband and mum kindly sat me down yesterday and said enough is enough. I feel absolutely distraught and a failure. I know they are right, however I have nothing to fall back on now as I’ve been out of my previous job for too long.

FWIW I have really tried. I’ve had meetings with my manager at my trust, meetings with my uni, nothing changes. I cry on my way to work. After work I cry. Even sometimes I cry on shift! It probably sounds like I’m a massive softy but I genuinely am not a crier, which is why this is so alarming. I feel so so low.

I’ve had a look for jobs online and really cannot see anything. I know I should just put my head down and try and get through this next year, but I really don’t think I can.

This was me in 2015. I could have literally written the same words as you - I'd put everything into the course, placements etc but got little support and the toxic culture almost broke me. I was put into situations which I should never have been put in and expected to cope. I walked away, took a few months off to regroup and returned to my same area of work, albeit at a lower level and worked my way back up. Try not to feel like a failure it's the system which is failing, not you. Out of my original cohort there are a handful of people still practising midwifery. In my experience it was entirely the luck of the draw as to who succeeded and who didn't - some secured brilliant mentors and had the fake it until you make it attitude which saw them through. Most if not all would admit that the job is unbelievably difficult though.

Are you in a position to take a break to consider what you want to do next?

I wish you all the best and I am sorry it has been such a poor experience for you. I just wanted to say there is light at the end of the tunnel and you deserve more.

You have had a baby, so it’s not just the strain and stress of the course which has changed but you have added strain and stress at home now and your priorities have likely shifted. Don’t be hard on yourself. You don’t have to be a midwife. Lots of people aren’t and still have jobs where they feel valued and add value. Lots of people don’t have jobs like that and it doesn’t make them any less of a person . Your being a great person, doesn’t start and end with you being a midwife. Lots of people couldn’t have got as far as you. So well done. But your family don’t need you to be a midwife. They need you to be happy and emotionally available.

Yes I echo what others have said. Your value and worth are not defined by you completing this training. You do not need to destroy (self harm) yourself over this training. You have reached out for support which shows maturity and self care and you are still being put into situations which feel unsafe to you. You haven't done anything wrong. You are working in a system which is under incredible strain and although we put huge weight on success in our society, really we should champion those who try things out and then are able to acknowledge if it is working for them or not. Listen to yourself and what you want to do. Listen to your body and what it is saying. You don't need to know what to do next, you do need to know when you have reached a limit.

have you fully considered the option of the one more year to get the qualification, then apply for jobs not in the occupation ?

with pros and cons (and costs) of all options

Would also seek support with your mental health, and perhaps take some sick leave.

@hammyhamster72 I feel your response to much, it's an identical to mine. The awful environment, constantly being left in dangerous situations on my own and have been laughed at when I've ended up having to beg for someone to come and help. I have one particular mentor I've begged to no longer work with because she is just awful and refuses to sign anything. Constantly puts me down, makes me feel so thick and in turn because I feel so hyperaware and self conscious I end up making silly mistakes which then makes her put me down even more. I've begged and begged to not work with her anymore, yet I'm scheduled with her next week. I can't sleep from worrying about it. At this point it feels like it's being done on purpose (although I know it's not!) but I feel like this is what happens when working in such an awful culture, you begin to get paranoid over every little thing. I know you are right and I think this has sealed the deal for me. Some of my original cohort are so miserable, one has already left and another is leaving soon. Both only been qualified for 6 months and haven't made a dent in their preceptorships.

Luckily DH earns a good wage, and has been supporting us through and he's told me to just take breather and figure things out. But I'm in my 30s, this was my 'forever' plan. I have no idea what else I can do. We definitely wouldn't be able to fund any other kind of degree so it would be minimum wage really wouldn't it?

@Itwillallbealright @coffeeisthebest

Thank you both so much, sometimes it's just nice to be told you're not a failure. I know it's hard, I just have no idea how so many seem to be just getting on with it. But you are right, nothing is worth this mental impact. I try so hard to be a kind person, I think it probably makes me seem very weak in a way but I'm not honestly. I do love the caring aspect, taking care of women, but there's no way of doing that without the toxic culture behind you. I have a lot of research to do now on alternative careers! Thank you both so much xxx

@Loopytiles believe me I have, I feel like I'm on a very fast speeding train and I'm just clinging on to the outside holding on just by my fingertips. I think I could probably stay on, but not sure what physical and mental state I will be in. I feel constantly sick and can't eat, can't sleep, I'm grumpy and snappy with my DC, I'm not even able to keep on top of cleaning/cooking/laundry etc because I'm just in a total pit of despair. No option for sick leave unfortunately because it will just put me behind on hours etc, which equals more stress!

That sounds awful and unsustainable, OP.

What about doing something related but less high pressure, like becoming a doula or a breastfeeding consultant?

No degree or job is worth you mental health, screw that ! Also you are not a failure, its the system that has failed you! You sound like a kind and caring person and it's the health systems loss. Draw a line under it now and know you did you best and make a new plan , nothing has to be forever No matter what your age

I’ve done both nursing and midwifery and could not handle midwifery due to a bullying mentor. Have you considered nursing? There are more options with nursing and no rotation when qualified. You could probably transfer to nursing quite easily as bd many of the skills you’ve already learnt would be the same.

Take some advice from someone at the retirement end of working. Take all the weight off your shoulders and dump the job. No job is worth losing your happiness and well being. You’re lucky you’ve got support, I was in this position years ago and had no choice but to stick it out. Believe me life was shit. It really doesn’t matter what you decide to do in the future as long as you’re happy doing it. Give yourself some time to think things through and you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel about work in general . Good luck for the future.

I am in the same situation but with teaching.

I think there must be something about midwifery as many people report bullying as a problem. When I was a student nurse my midwifery mentor bullied me. I ended up in the hospital chaplain's office crying my eyes out and he had to contact the nursing school about it.

Please don't feel bad for leaving. It's a brutal profession and nobody deserves to be treated like that.

Op if you do end up leaving bear in mind that your uni should give you something for what you've already done - after two years it's usually a university diploma. You've done all that work so need to get the credit for it. They can't take that away from you.

Do you have a senior tutor/head of department? They should take your situation very seriously. You've been treated very badly and the uni should be supporting you. If you haven't already you could talk to the welfare team. In some cases placements can be changed. All the best whatever you decide.

If it were me I would ditch the job, not really worry what I did for a while and enjoy spending time with your baby.

But honestly, I am so cross for you and other women that there are so many horrible bullies in the midwifery profession and that the NHS doesn’t do anything about it. Really, you need to write down what these people have said and done and file a grievance. Go off sick if you have to. I suspect you cannot face doing this and I would not blame you but it is so sad.

I think I’m definitely done. Will complete the year so I can get the mini degree certificate whatever that equates to I don’t know 🙈

ended up in hospital this weekend on IV antibiotics due to widespread infection. They said if I’d left it any longer I would have turned septic. Honestly never felt so sick in my entire life. Discharged last night, called my ward as per my uni guidelines to tell them I wouldn’t be in today and was shouted at by the midwife and told I shouldn’t be calling them. So I’m now between a rock and a hard place because if I don’t call - I get shouted at by my uni and threatened with disciplinary action, but if I do I’m shouted at by the midwife?! I need to call again tonight because I won’t be able to make it for my shift tomorrow either. I’m just so weak and the antibiotics have given me a really sore stomach even with anti sickness 😭 more of a rant than anything! Can not imagine ever treating anyone like this, let alone a student. Just makes me so sad because I’d actually had an ok few weeks in theory practice and found out I passed my exam so was definitely feeling more motivated. Unfortunately in my experience encountering midwives like this is so frequent I just cannot put myself through it anymore.

thank you all for the amazing advice. I have no idea what I’m going to do but I will figure it out. How scary!!

Agree with Rogers I’m just retired too and looking back would say exactly the same. Loads of people(mothers) decide the job we have taken , even if it’s our dream role , is not in reality for us or our families.
I’ve been in your situation and struggled through my dream training course , but took ill and although I finished it never worked in it (primary teaching) I didn’t have the stamina or motivation after my illness
I thrived in another job
My best friend is a midwife and recently left after many years she’s just worn out,like you it was invading all her out of hours family time with the stress.
No job is worth it, look at roles in Special educational needs schools as you obviously have loads of empathy and are caring , or being a private nanny there will be options even if they are ideal at the moment.

But please don’t sacrifice your health, live, breathe, be happy.

Agree entirely, well said.

What did you do previously? Any chance of studying to get higher up in that field?

A friend of DDs found exactly the same thing with midwifery, she gave up in the second year and is now training to be a paramedic and loving it. my DD is a student nurse, and whilst it has its issues she is really happy and her experience is that it's nothing like midwifery.

Sorry to hear you're struggling and getting no support from the uni. Does your university offer a non professional course such as health studies? You can ask to transfer and take your existing credits so you wouldn't be starting from scratch. There wouldn't be any placements, just assignments and at least you'd come out with a degree. When you're ready you could apply for a different postgraduate professional course. Occupational Therapy, Social Work,