Does your 12 year old still want to 'hang out' with family

[OneLifeIsNeverLongEnough]

My dd is 12 and she's started complaining that it's embarrassing being seen with us ( myself, dad and younger siblings).

For example, this time last year we would visit parks with a picnic and have a nice time. Now however, dd will say how embarrassing it is to do that and not be happy the whole time.

She has a younger sister and brother so they are quite happy to do this and often try get her to join in any games. Of course that is met with a big no!

I don't want to embarrass her but also don't want her to miss out on our family outings. At 12 I was definitely still happy going around with family but I'm aware I was probably in the minority.

She spends lots of time with friends but is it too much to ask that we still spend time all together as a family?

Is this normal for 12 year olds?
As I say I didn't mind when I was that age so finding it quite sad that we are suddenly an embarrassment to her.

Yes. Normal.

DS found us incredibly embarrassing for a couple of years but then came back. Has been happy to do family stuff again since sixth form.

I do agree with this. Dd11 still goes to the park but she does that on her own and we wouldn't take a picnic to our local park. That would be done for something further afield. Like a walk in a scenic area or an organised event. Always more than happy to come bowling, to the museum, cinema, show or local festival. My friendship group have dc ranging from 7-17 who all still come out on day trips with us. As a group. The older girls sometimes go off together for a time and come back and meet us but they will also spend time playing with the younger dc and chatting to the adults. There's definitely no embarrassment. As above though none would be going to the local park for a picnic with us. The boys tend not to come but it's a girl heavy group that all have a shared interest that the days out can be based around, that the boys don't share.

I've found it depends on the activity at that age, my DSC would not come to the park or a walk etc and definitely wouldn't go for a picnic at that age but if we were going for a coffee, shopping centre/retail park or beach they would 100% want to come.
Now at 15&16 they are our with their friends more often than out with us or we have a friend tag along with what we are doing!

I think it's quite normal from something that is 'babyish' and local i.e. she could be seen by someone from school.

She'd probably be happier to join in with stuff that is more teen suitable (cinema/escape room/climbing wall), stuff that is further afield or stuff that is done at home (film night/games night).

I agree with pp that you have to start thinking of more "grown up" activities than park and picnic. Maybe shopping, cinema, going to a cafe for a milkshake, trampoline park rather than soft play, climbing wall? These activities do tend to be more expensive, but you do them less frequently so it works out ok.

When my DD was 12 she had some MH issues... we hung out less and less with her as she wanted her own space.

She went to CAMHS who basically called me a bad parent for doing this and we had a couple of years forcing her to spend time with us.

She told CAMHS that she felt neglected! So just be very careful... they might appear to want their own space ... but actually don't

Normal and give them option to not do everything they do need a bit of space but word of warning to not let them opt out of everything, family gatherings , walks etc they enjoy them once they get there and they are important. Also ask them what things they would like to do all together, or they may like a bit of just you and them time

I’m dreading this too. I have a nearly 11 yo dd who is currently adamant that she’ll always want to spend time with me. I wonder how abruptly this will change!? She’s an only so at least it’s straightforward to choose activities that suit her - although I agree that these are getting more expensive (football, theatre and shopping would be her top 3 😬)

I still remember being 12ish and the excruciating embarrassment of bumping into a boy I knew in M&S when I was with my mum. The fact he was also with his mum never even registered to me.

My 14 yo still happy to do stuff with us, but to be honest she only occasionally sees friends outside school and is a bit socially awkward so in some ways id be pleased if she was too busy with her friends like yours is!

She also still likes to play with her younger siblings / cousins when out with them and I get the impression she enjoys the excuse of 'looking after the little ones'. However I do notice she gets tense / self conscious if she sees people from school so maybe if embarrassment is the issue, you need to go a bit further afield where bumping into people won't be as likely? I'd say let her off some of the time but insist on others and give her some say in where etc.

Mine were left ti their own devices at that age...they did sport Saturday mornings and the rest of the weekend was there's really. They met with friends, or their friends came to ours...sed their travel pass to go to London or nearby town. These were the days before x boxes etc.
We rarely as a family met up with other extended family

It is completely developmentally normal for teens to step away and have their social groups as their priority.

Keeping communication open is key. My eldest is 16, he will join sometimes and other times he will do his own thing.

I would recommend talking to her and saying you recognise she is growing up. What is right for your family then depends.

For us I invite him always and I do advise that some family events are important to me and his family, but I leave the decision with him. To date he fetches up to the extended family events and probably comes every second family event which is fine.

I agree with this. Don't let them opt out totally - firstly they will actually enjoy some of these occasions, and remember them fondly later. Secondly even if they are grinding their teeth and wishing to be elsewhere, it does reinforce that they still belong to this family. There may be times when their friends and associates turn hostile or they are under pressure to do things they are not comfortable with, and knowing they are part of a solid family unit (however dull and embarrassing) puts them in a better position.

Dts are 12 and yes they are at the moment but I can see the changes dropping in. They'll walk along holding my hand of their own accord if we are away or in a country park etc in town where they may bump into school mates, not a chance. We've got a holiday booked for summer and I'm really sad that it think it's the last time we'll have that time before they come out of the teenager horrors.

I think they'll still bite my hand off if shopping and my bank account is involved though...

I quite liked spending time with my parents at that age but I would have hated sitting in the park having a picnic with them.

Can you find some more age-appropriate activities instead?

I teach at our local secondary (DD left a year ago and DS is y7) and I found out very early on that when you bump into students outside of school, they're different creatures. In school, where they understand the rules, the hierarchy, the routine etc, they're relaxed and quite happy to squawk "wah gwan miss" at me across the corridor with a cheeky grin and a thumbs up. Bump into the same y11 in a Co-op petrol station and they blush and dive behind the display of premium engine oil. I think this translates across situations outside school. It's excruciating to navigate social mores without your friends who understand or an excuse of needing to get to class.

I make a point of trying to normalise these situations for the DC. If we see one of their peers, I make every effort to have a brief, friendly chat/joke/exchange, sometimes bringing my dc into the conversation and it models how to handle unexpected social interactions.

DD said it made school easier because students she didn't mix with at all, but we'd bumped into in Tesco for example, would then just nod to her in school or exchange pleasantries in the lunch queue.

It might, once upon a time, have been easier to leave DC at home, divide the family unit and they go off with friends exclusively, but their lives can be so insular anyway with the advent of social media and a rise in anxiety around social interaction beyond the screen that simply continuing to take them out as a family and face brief social interactions with peers with a brief chat or a wave meant that they learned to navigate it for what it was rather than the fear of what it could be iyswim. They have plenty of time at home alone or with friends, but time with family is important too.

I have never, ever made them feel that slight nervousness about being seen isn't normal, don't draw attention to it, don't berate them, just go out and do stuff they enjoy and show them it's fine.

Happily, even when I want to go to Aldi on my own and wander in silence, teen DD likes to come along and chat. Last Saturday, she had a mate over and they both asked to come with me so they could look at crap in the middle aisle. I thought they'd peel off and meet me back at the car, but DD took the list and her mate pushed the trolley. They're both 16 and even waved cheerily to people they recognised from college.

I’m surprised at the people saying it’s normal at 12. My twins are 12 (13 this summer) and very much hang out with us. But then so does my 16yo (she’s an introvert but twins aren’t).

Do you also have younger DC? I think hanging out just parents and teens/tweens is very different to tweens and toddlers, for example.

It just changes. We don't have big days out to castles and parks or go on picnics anymore. DD18 loves to go out for a coffee, go to an outlet village or potter around charity shops. DD15 loves to go to the milkshake farm or the ice cream parlour. We'll do things like watch a film at night with a pizza. It did make me sad at first but I guess everything is temporary.

We still have an annual holiday where they enjoy doing the big days, as well as the lazy days, and we spend the whole week together.

Mine are 18 and 20 and have never stopped. Obviously we don't go to local parks etc together now but still do country walks, NT visits etc together. One of them did go through a spell of being a bit twitchy if we bumped into a friend or acquaintance but it passes.