If your 9yo said they hate themselves

[GauntJudy]

Would you consider getting therapy for them?

My ds talks negatively about himself, I explain that i disagree and tell him what I think is amazing about him. For example tonight while I said goodnight I told him i was proud of him - his reaction "well i hate myself"

I'm always conscious that his dad upped and left when he was a baby, and worry that is has affected my son.

He has friends, does well as school, we have a lovely relationship, it's just this pattern of talking negatively about himself.

My doubts are...

• getting therapy might send him the message he needs fixing and make it worse
• maybe he's seeking reassurance when he says these things, and I respond by giving it.
• maybe I need therapy to stop projecting and help him cope

Any thoughts?

Family therapy

Will he talk through what he means by that? Let him express what he is feeling or experiencing if it could be bullying at school?

Try to get to the crux of the issue instead of telling him he is wrong and he is wonderful because of xyz. All the best, it must be tough to go through.

Thanks @LaWench I've tried but can't get to the root of the issue. For example he'll tell me everyone hates him and nobody wants to play with him, but the teacher talks about him being popular, and I see kids make a point of saying hi to him and clearly want to be friends.

He says he's not smart, but he does well in class.

I can't give a compliment without being immediately contradicted.

I'll google family therapy to see what that involves, unless you can share any experience of it @Letsseeshallwe?

Bless him, it's hard to see outside of yourself at that age and understand that most other kids are questioning themselves and everything.

In your shoes I would chat through specific scenarios that have upset him and try to see if there's anything he could have done differently to try in future or if he could see things in a different light or from a classmates point of view etc. He's just learning to deal with people that have various personalities and that is not easy. Even small things can be taken to heart at that age when friendship groups change day by day.

When my step son says things like this I always explain it's completely normal to feel that way and that he is just finding his way. I tell him he's going though lots of changes and learning to deal with life and school and friends and family and navigating relationships and it's damn hard. I also then say I have felt like that when I was his age and give an example of when for instance if I had a test coming up, if I was moving class, etc even though I didn't feel like that it makes him think I did because I then tell him how I overcome that emotion and he then feels powerful that he can too

I'm so sorry for your ds and you. This is so upsetting and difficult for you both.

My ds at the same age (and earlier) was expressing similar thoughts which progressed to self-harming behaviours. I paid for mental health support.

It hasn't eradicated his issues but has helped.

Thanks for sharing @LauderSyme, that must have been awful for you. Pleased there's been some progress x

That's really great advice