Im sat in my room , crying on and off and trying to write my thoughts down. A practice which I'm trying to build to calm my anxiety and also it mimics speaking to someone- I have no one to share my feelings or thoughts in real life.
Im 43 and been married for 20 years - 1 daughter aged 10. As days pass I'm really struggling in this marriage. From day 1, the marriage was about;
Work, Save money, Buy a house within 5 years of marriage. I was in my early twenties when married and husband 28- we are not from the UK with no family here. I tried my best to explain to him that running behind one goal after the other was overwhelming for me. It was a futile exercise and I slowly started to fall into the 'race'. He is not a person who is emotionally supportive. For him life is a project-and he is extremely fearful of failure, which he almost instilled in me. To the point I had two abortions because I felt scared to have a baby without having all the lists checked.
10 years later I we had a baby, but by that time I was suffering from panic attacks and anxiety. I used to sit in train stations and cry, as I didn't understand what was happening to me. I suffered alone and still do as no-one to share or understand how I feel.
Now we both are in good jobs, daughter in a fee paying school etc- but I feel so empty. According to my husband I should exercise to keep my mood happy and just think myself happy as everything is fine-in other words I am being ungrateful to complain. But he behaves like a manchild- in that throws or rather 'vomits' words without a thought as to how it affects people. According to him the words mean nothing, he had nothing to do with my anxiety or panic issues (that is something I willed upon myself and should snap out of it) and going for walk and excercise should sort things out.
As I said, I feel lost and not happy in this relationship. I feel (as he points out) ungrateful to say this- I mean on paper I have everything I need. Job, marriage, child, house and food on my plate- but when I look myself in the mirror I see a shell of who I was. I hardly smile let alone laugh when I'm home. My friend is the YouTube channels I watch (from back home) as they speak the language I grew up with and I pretend its people around me...
Not sure what I'm hoping to achieve by this post-i just wanted to get it out I suppose.