How do I explain to DD she can't go to a sleep over at a friends house when I don't trust friends parents

[chippynut]

DD (10) has been invited to her best friends house for a birthday sleep over, both girls very excited about it.

Friend lives 50/50 with separated parents, sleep over is at mums house. Mum & her partner regularly drink excessive amounts & smoke weed with kids in the house. Social services are involved due to the lack of care.

Obviously I have no intension of letting DD go to a sleep over with these parents but how do I explain the reasons why to my DD?
Her friend is oblivious to what's going on & thinks her mums behaviour is normal. She regularly tells her friends/ teachers about the stupid drunk things her mums done.

"she's welcome round here but I'm not comfortable with sleepovers at friends houses where I'm not close to the parents"

We have a flat out rule of no sleep overs at friends house, it’s close family only. I think you need a blanket rule to explain rather than just singling one person out.

Yeah I'd just say "sorry I'm not comfortable with you going therr" and if DD pushes for further explanation just say "you'll understand when you grow up"

You’ll just have to tell her no, she’ll be pissed and upset and you’ll be the bad guy but you’re doing the right thing. Personally I’d put a blanket ban on all sleepovers for DC.

We also have a rule of absolutely no sleepovers. Only with our parents (both grandmas). Maybe do this rather than having to explain each time.
DH is a safeguarding lead. I'm also a teacher. Anything can go on at someone else's house, we have both heard of awful things. I'd rather be the bad guy than risk it.
The poor wee girl thinking this is normal.

Just say she can't go because they smoke in their house and it's not healthy if you like.

At 10, I'd be saying, "they smoke cannabis in the house DD, you're not going". She'd old enough to hear that.

For the sake of her poor friend I wouldn’t go into any of the truth/real reason. They are her parents regardless of how you view them, and it would be damaging for her to be made to feel ashamed of her home and family if your daughter said something to her.

i would just lie and say you were busy or you think she’s too young for a sleepover

You could make an excuse like the family needing to get up early the next day to go waterskiing so DD can't sleep over. And perhaps let her invite the other girl to cinema/bowling/whatever the kids do these days (waterskiing) another time soon.

Yes, my DPs had this rule too until I was in sixth-form. Likely DH and I will take the same approach with our kids (still little).

You just have to be the Bad Cop.

I have to do this as my kids attend the school where I teach.

So, it's not appropriate to have dd2's lovely boy/girl 15-17yo gang sleeping over en masse because a) their y11/12 teacher snoring away in her tshirt & pants in the next bedroom is not a great look - running into each other at 3am in the bathroom would be awkward & b) I can't really be responsible for rigorous, careful safeguarding at work & then knowingly host (perfectly legal) teenage bonking in the guest room.

So I'm happy to be the Miserable Fun Sponge.

You don't like the idea of your daughter doing sleepovers, but you are happy to invite her friend - absolutely fine. Your dd can play up to it a bit: 'my parents are stupidly strict about sleepovers, so ANNOYING!'

The other parents may well think you're in need of unclenching, but so what. They can think that all they like; but they probably won't be fussed beyond 'oh dd's friend is lovely, mind you, her mum is uptight/strict/oldschool, whatever' & then they'll give it very little further thought, tbh.

So DD never gets a sleep over because friend's mum is an alcoholic junkie?

Nope.

Blanket ban seems to be the best way to go.
I don't want DD telling her friend she isn't allowed to her house because I don't like her mums drinking. It may make her friend try to hide what's going on at home & at the moment the more she talks the more it's helping the school & social services monitor things at home.

Don't go into details, just say no friend sleepovers are happening yet. My daughter has been told she will not be going for sleepovers just yet, she's 8 and her friend has started asking and I've flat-out said no not yet and I won't give in.

I had this. Agree blanket ban "We don't do sleepovers". Mine weren't allowed until 12 and even then I was selective and not afraid to upset people.

I’d tell her the truth. Both my kids knew one or two kids who lived with similar parents in their class, and knew they wouldn’t be going to their house to visit along with the reasons why.

Could you say no to her sleeping there but suggest you host the birthday girl another night as a birthday treat and plan a super sleepover there at yours that dd can get excited about? Or if it’s a group of friends could you manage to suggest to the mum that they sleepover at yours due to your dd having allergies or something?

The thing is, I've known some very ordinary people who have had terrible things going on behind closed doors. So merely filtering out the ones who are obviously not a good influence/safe environment means very little, you can have no idea what they are exposed to in any other house.

Having said that, I allow my older ones to go on sleepovers where I know the kids well enough and they've stayed here etc. Friendships need that sort of thing outside the controls of school to really deepen, in my opinion.

My children will never have a sleepover and we don’t even know an alcoholic junkie. There are too many safe guarding issues I’m aware of and I stand by my decision. It’s not for everyone, happy for you to do sleepovers if you like but my kids won’t be attending.

For those who don’t allow sleepovers are children still allowed to go to friends’ houses? What about family sleepovers?

We have never done sleepovers until secondary school.. Dc have never complained..

No sleepovers with anyone as a blanket rule and overtime review it again if you feel comfortable once your dc makes different friends. I was never allowed sleepovers unless it was family but even then it was more like a family sleepover where mum would take us to our aunt during our summer holidays to the south west and we would all stay together with cousins, aunt and mum and go to the beach all together as a mini holiday or they would come to ours.