End of life planning, the ideal blueprint for middle age

[Runningupdathill]

A (not close to me) relative has recently passed away and left virtually no instructions, or made any arrangements or plans for their funeral, no will etc and had no savings. Separately, my own parent is in a residential care home and when this was deemed necessary it was difficult for my siblings and I to arrange because we were utterly clueless and my parent hadn't made any plans or had any thoughts about it when they were younger / during their retirement years. In both cases the families don't really talk about these things so poor communication and a reticence to mention death / vulnerability have resulted in a lot of panic and confusion and headaches around administration.

Looking ahead to my own life, end of life and that of my husband, what is the ideal blueprint for planning? We have DC and I don't want them to be grappling in the dark to arrange things.

We are middle aged. What should we put in place now and over the next few years to ensure a smoother process for any care needs and for end of life, funerals etc etc? In an ideal world (if money was no object) what would be the best plan for all of this? Is this available anywhere for people to find? Eg is there a recommended checklist? They don't teach you this stuff at school and if your family don't speak about stuff you only find out when it's too late!

Step 1 is we will talk about it all openly with our DC.
What would the further steps be (both financial and practical)?

Caveat: This is as things stand currently. I am hoping that the Labour government may introduce assisted dying, which is another aspect we currently cannot consider.

You can make a living will

Excellent thread. I would like to know too.

I don’t know much but I’ll start with

Will
Power of attorneys
Living will re your medical wishes in specific circumstances (you could also include any wishes for if the law changes in future but I don’t know if this would be upheld)
List of all financial accounts/assets

And give copies to your PoA holder(s)

Interesting, thank you. Can I do that myself or do I need a lawyer?

DH and I have discussed our wishes with each other and shared it with the kids. Even down to making decisions based on quality of life, life support, dementia, etc.

Like you, am hopeful that assisted dying will be in place.

My mum had a folder in her filing cabinet with the music she wanted, when and why.

We have written wills. DH has said things about his funeral but hasn’t written it down. I am donating my body to science which isn’t guaranteed but I’ve decided that it’s up other people how they want (or not!) to remember me and have carte blanche to do what they like.

These have always been open discussions in our house but it’s how I was raised too.

A close friend just died unexpectedly, middle aged. Watching the fall out, I would suggest:
More life insurance than you think
Clear instructions on funeral/ final resting place
Funeral costs paid for
Declutter constantly
Passwords available, esp to phone for 2 step verification
Spreadsheet of assets and debts, financial account details etc
Both names on all bills

A joint account has been invaluable to understand money in/ out and make a budget. The partner can also cancel direct debits immediately.

I hadn't realised how much admin there is after a death, it's immense.

There are pro formas available on the web that you can fill out - these should be good enough I think if your wishes/assets are quite simple, just make sure you follow the signing and witnessing rules carefully.

If you have anything unusual or think your wishes may be contested/controversial then it’s worth getting a lawyer to check it over.

This is just my opinion of course!!

POA can be sorted well in advance - I’ve got it for 2 of my siblings. It doesn’t kick in unless mental capacity is in question.
Not that anyone checked the ‘paperwork’ when I had POA for my mum.

Talk to your dc/family about your wishes

Make a will and keep it updated

When we turned 50, dh and I sorted out POAs

I've written a statement of wishes re: funeral

I've got life insurance

All paperwork/info is in files that are labelled

Can't do much more

Make wills, and draw up both powers of attorney. If a particular type of funeral matters to you, either pre-pay or mention it in your will.

In the Health and Welfare P of A you can add your own wishes, e.g. in certain circs no life saving or life prolonging treatment.

Then make a note of any savings a/cs, investments, house or life insurance policies etc., any prepaid funeral info, birth and marriage certificates.

I’ve probably forgotten something, but all that off top of head.

Put it all in a big envelope or briefcase, label it clearly and make sure anyone concerned knows exactly where to find it.

Thank goodness my DM did all this before she developed dementia. And a childless aunt’s prepaid funeral made one less thing to worry about after she died.

Age Uk have good resources on this about all the things to think about and what to do

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/end-of-life-issues/

My parents did this well

a will

a talk with kids about wishes

do-not-resuscitate order when applicable

give trusted family member power of attorney, my parents gave my power over and full access to their finances, this meant I could quickly arrange things and sort payments for them

they got my authorised with their GP to discuss them and any health issues/concerns without them/“behind their back”

most of all they spoke openly about their wishes and we had a relationship of complete trust that we’d want the best for them

it’s hard to talk about but useful

I have a will, LPAs in place, and a section of my box file that has a list of my bank/savings accounts-who they're with, account numbers etc. Also the family's birth/marriage/death (my DH's) certificates.

I'm trying to declutter, and will give my DDs instructions that they need not hang on to anything just because it meant something to me. I've just been clearing my mum's flat, and it helped me be aware of the emotional decisions that have to be made.

Basically I'm trying to keep my financial stuff simple. My mum's was not. So simple savings accounts, no complex 'investments' as such, and the rental property of my mum's will be disposed of as soon as I can make it happen (the proceeds will all go to her care debt). I certainly don't want my daughters to have to deal with bricks and mortar and tenant stuff.

So yep. Keep life simple is my plan (I'm 68). And I'm going to consult an FA/solicitor about how to help my kids now without disadvantaging myself. My mum's care came to a total of £800,000. I don't want every penny of my savings and house to go the same way. And my kids need help now, not when I die.

My Biggest advice would be to get Power of Attorney in place, urge your parents and get them for yourself.

Make a will and do LPOA.

You can do a living will, correctly called Advance Decision for Refusal of Treatment. Unless there is something you absolutely would not want in any circumstances, I wouldn't recommend this.

They need to be highly medically specific to be legally binding. Apologies to solicitors reading but I have yet to see one done by a solicitor that made sense for medical practice. It's also very difficult to do when you aren't ill as understandably people change their minds.

A trusted LPOA for Health and a conversation about your general feelings is usually more useful.

Can I ask people who they are nominating as POAs? My kids are under 18 but my DH and I are both over 50. Obviously hoping nothing happens to us any time soon but you just don't know.

Partners. I don't feel the need to nominate a back up for every possibility at this time.

Can always be done again if circumstances change.

Probably not quite the point, but if someone leaves no will and no instructions, the only logical conclusion to come to is that they don't care what happens to their stuff when they die and proceed accordingly rather than bothering to try to second guess what they would have wanted.

I used to ask one of my relatives on clarification on what he wanted to happen to X,Y and Z when he died and he said that he would be dead and didn't care. Not his problem !

I'm finding there is a conflict between my natural inclination to keep shifting my money about for bonuses / higher interest rates plus switching utilities frequently and trying to keep my records up to date in case someone else has to pick it all up especially as its all online now and I can't just put all my bank statements and utility bills in folders I have however streamlined some investments and am planning to merge several pensions soon. Every little helps.

To add to this, make sure you have a spreadsheet with all your account details on it

Make sure your beneficiaries for policies are up to date.

I'm about to hit 50 and am doing a Swedish Death Clean. My DC's won't care about my photos or keepsakes, almost everything is slowly being de-cluttered.

Life assurance to cover the cost of the mortgage

Life assurance, a small amount, just to cover the funeral and wake, so £10k that pays out immediately upon death and you can easily pay for the funeral etc.

A 'when I die' spreadsheet (I have one on Google spreadsheets) that is shared and visible for my husband and children and business partner to list everything important, especially:-

Date of birth
Place of birth - needed for death certificate
National insurance number - surprisingly hard to find out if you don't already know!
Driving licence number
Passport number

A separate list somewhere safe of passwords OR set up on your phone and make sure your husband and trusted persons can access your phone

A list of all your bank accounts, pensions, ISA'S, customer reference and which company each product is held with.

A list kept of all monetary gifts made so that calculating the 7 yr IHT is straightforward.

A list of regular gifts from income that are exempt from IHT.

I've paid for my funeral.
My kids only now need to ring a number on a card and everything is taken care of. They just need to register my death .
I've also left a " diary" with other things in it.. for what to do with my possessions...they know where everything is .
My Mum did this for us and so much easier

I had a booklet from somewhere (Age UK?) that you could fill in with details of all your utilities/phone/insurance/investments etc. Wish I could remember where I got it from, but you could easily make your own.

I agree with making sure all accounts/utilities are in joint names so it is straightforward to deal with them. Also with the benefit of hindsight, setting up a joint account with a child (if you are the last surviving parent), so they can pay bills upon your death. I had LPA for my mum, but that stopped upon her death which means you can't access any money to pay for care fees etc. Obviously, the bank will normally allow funeral costs to be paid.

Also agree with the Swedish Death Cleaning - makes things much easier for your children.

We have a file with all the important documents in it & POA for each other as well as wills.
People always say have a list of passwords but in fact, I don't think legally you can access someone else's accounts like this. You need to be joint account holders or you will have to notify the banks etc when the person dies, so you do need account numbers etc.
DH has cancer so I've taken on all the accounts like gas, electricity etc. for his financial stuff (ISAs etc) I do have the passwords but I wouldn't access them like that if he died, I would inform the company and get access officially.
He has put my thumbprint on his phone but that's more up access his contacts etc.

Swedish Death Cleaning sounds very interesting. I think I read Joan Bakewell had done something similar, got rid of all her possessions, downsized from her large home and had started again with a few basic things.