ILs, I really can't win

[Fancybed]

We've just helped PILs clear out MIL's father's house following his death.

A 400 mile round trip, but happy to support and in order to do that, I packed lunch for everyone.

Obviously a difficult time for MIL and I wanted to help. Anyway, my first mistake was the sandwiches were too fancy (I'd put basil in with the cheese and tomato!) "You know FIL can't eat that"

Next, SIL refused to trust me in any room on my own. For example, I said I'd check the books, as we knew GF used to put money in books for safe keeping. SIL insisted on doing it with me.

MIL was upset about all the good things that would end up going tonhouse clearance and told us to take anything we'd like. DH had some tools from GF's workshop. I held back, not my place and I didn't particularly want anything anyway.

MIL kept pushing so after everyone else had said what they wanted, I said I'll have a couple of the books and some small side tables, if no one wanted them. More because I thought they'd at least be useful and MIL was acting offended that I didn't want anything, than because I really wanted them.

Anyway since we got home, MIL has told everyone I was too grabby, and she wants the tables. She's very welcome to them, but honestly!

Just smile sweetly and say nothing. If they’re anything like my ILs you’re right, you’ll never win. There’s no point trying

Sound very unpleasant. Thank goodness you live far from them.

I'd go and give her the stinking tables back. If she's too far say oh we only took them to make you feel better about things going to clearance. You can take them back next time we see you.

You can't win, so I wouldn't even try. Return the tables, don't offer any more help in clearing the house.

Honestly!

Darn a holes and they always will be. Nothing to do with you in the slightest!

Next time smartprice bread and ham and don’t you even dare butter the bread!

Tell her - so sorry, you didn't realise until you heard on the grapevine about how grabby you were being that she really wanted them! ( You could also tell her you've already given them to her least-favourite charity.)

You have the perfect excuse to let them get on with it if they need any more help, though - best if I don't come so's there are no more misunderstandings.

200 miles is a useful distance. Tell her she's welcome to come and collect the tables and don't offer any more help.

I hope your DH is putting them right, btw.

DH is clearing FIL's house out as he remarried a year after MIL passed & moved in with his new wife. He's turfing all of MIL's stuff. After many years of IL abusive behaviour, I refuse to participate. I stay home. I do nothing because they have earned no respect from me.

You can't win, but don't have to put up with it. Return the tables, saying you'd heard she actually wanted them. That'll let her know someone blabbed her comments. Then be busy & DH can go alone.

Unfortunately they also had the 400 mile round trip 🤣

...and your dh said?...

I’d give them back asap, with a politely PA note: ‘I’m SO sorry you thought I was being ‘grabby’, MiL - I had thought you were urging me to choose something. If I’d known you wanted them I’d never have taken them.’

PITA behaviour, though! My DM had form for this - refusing to say what she wanted, and then complaining when she didn’t get it, or got something different. Maddening!

I had this from my sil. My mil had a circular spinny pouffe thing. It was going to go on the skip. Ds1 loved spinning around on it, so we took it home. Sil rang in tears that she really wanted it and couldn't believe that dh didn't know that. So he took to her house but not before I stuffed raw prawns into it...I'll never go to heaven 🙄

This.

She can only continue to play the game if you remain part of it.

TBF, left to DH we wouldn't have gone. It was me who wanted to be seen to be making the effort. That'll teach me.

Who are the everyone she's told and how do you know? Someone is shit stirring.

I'm one of them! She said it to my face

Sounds a right cow. I remember my very tight grandparents asking whether we could take some of the many windfall apples from their garden. They were pretty bruised but took some anyway despite not knowing what we would do with them. They then told the rest of the family how 'grabby' we were. Sometimes you just can't win.

”So you moaned at me and were offended when I didn’t want anything, and when I say I’ll take the tables I’m ‘too grabby’? Can you see the problem here?”

@Harriet

There is a special place for you!!!!

She's a bitch and it doesn't sound like this is isolated to her being in grief.

Give it no oxygen.

Echo PP who hinted DH should be dealing with this shitfit

This ime is why you must going forward leave everything to do with ils to dh. Every visit. Every cuppa. Every card... Every birthday. Leave the entirety to dh.. If nowt happens then nowt happens. Not your circus is it? You can sit at home with your feet up on one of your new tables...

Also, I'll have the basil is they don't want it. Ungrateful sods!

My ILs are like this, I started leaving everything to DH like birthdays and cards etc. then they started moaning that I wasn't making the effort anymore as DH wasn't making the effort either.
Can't win with these people, put in healthy boundaries and go low contact for your own sanity.

Leave absolutely all of this to your DH x