It’s nearly two years ago now, but if I’m in any way stressed or tired or ill it hits me like a wave that I can’t have a proper conversation with my mum,
or a cuddle, I never will again, and I can’t breathe for how overwhelming it is. It seems so hard imagining the future without her there.
I had nightmares last night reliving the day I was told she was terminally ill, woke up upset about 3am. Two weeks after she was diagnosed her mum died as well, out of the blue - I stopped functioning at that point. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same person again.
My mum is somehow still alive - only because she can still swallow food. There’s nothing else keeping her going really, very, very little communication or eye contact. If I think about it it physically hurts.
When does the horrible ache of looking for them stop? It’s so, so horrible - it’s like there’s a part of me missing.
I have a lovely circle of support - other family, friends - but every so often I just want my mum. As much as others are kind and lovely they don’t compare.
I can’t seem to cry over it, which I think would help but I can’t - it’s just like a horrible feeling of ‘sad’ and wanting to hide away from the world.