Men's erroneous ideas of why women initiate most divorces?

[tinsatape]

I've seen a lot of things online recently about how women initiate something like 70% of divorces. I think this is roughly true but a lot of men are framing it to mean that women don't really love men, that they marry for "beta bucks" and once they no longer need the guy around they divorce him, take his money, home and kids and she goes back to playing the field. In this take the guy is a good loyal loving husband who has been blind sided by his heartless wife.

Now I'm not saying this never happens anything is possible but in most cases of divorce that I know of (including my own) it was because the relationship had totally broken down often due to issues caused by the men such as cheating, porn addiction, gambling, drugs, alcohol misuse, abusive behaviour, checking out of family life often through work or hobbies, not doing any domestic work or childcare even though both worked fulltime and it had been discussed repeatedly, misuse of family money i.e. a friends husband burned though their savings for a house deposit to feed his coke habit.

Women tend to be less happy in these situations where her Dh becomes a liability especially where kids are involved or her is less a partner to her and more a burden. Even in cases where both know the relationship is dead the man will often carry on even if everyone is in misery. So women are the one's who take the initiative. Most women do not enter divorce thinking how great it is going to be or that they will have lots of great men beating a path to their door, most women who get divorced know that it will likely be difficult and lonely and that they may never meet another partner but that having a safe peaceful home with just them and their kids is better than living with a man who destroys that with their behaviour or moods.

I did post some version of that to a thread elsewhere, I was careful to make a lot of caveats but it was not a popular post lots of men saying that women do just divorce men for no reason, because they think they can do better or just settled for the guy in the first place and never intended the marriage to last long term, that "divorce rape" is often planned as a way to steal from men and so on. Eventually my post was taken down for misandry!

I do think that online there is a dangerous picture of women being painted and lots of men obviously believe it. There was the mass stabbing in Sydney at the weekend where the man seemed to target women and even if own father said he was very "frustrated" because he couldn't get a girlfriend. I just worry that men who have their own personal gripes against women then go on read crazy ideas about women and it dehumanizes us to them and makes us a legitimate target for violence.

I divorced my husband out of the blue for no reason.... or becuase he refused to help me run our company, clean our house (or even put his own rubbish in the bin, or his washing in the laundry basket) or look after our child. And through months and months of me begging him to do anything at all to help me on this became aggressive, violent and told me multiple times he would kill me, not in arguments as much as just in our day to day life, when watching the TV, would assure me he'd do a much better job than the character on TV was doing etc.

My life became so much better without him. His life became so much worse.

On average marriage benefits men more than women, especially now women are expect to also contribute financially but men haven't picked up the other parts of running a household.

Love those!

I think a male colleague of mine illustrates the difference between the reality and the husband's perspective really well. Based on his (very vocal, almost boastful) discussions in the office, his story is that he and his wife were incredibly happy until about 6 months in to her (planned) pregnancy. From this point she became totally unreasonable. They'd both always had hobbies and gone on short holidays separately (as well as main holidays together) and both gone on lots of nights out (sometimes together, sometimes separately). Suddenly, when she was pregnant she started questioning how much money he was spending on holidays with friends/nights out etc and wanting him to stay at home more. Her personality changed- she didn't go out much or join in with him and his friends 'having a laugh'. She kept finding DIY jobs etc that she claimed he needed to do (decorating baby's room/putting up furniture/cleaning up the garden etc) but she could easily have done herself or paid someone to do. When the baby was born she became even more crazy and controlling. She even complained about him having a quick drink with his team after work and answering work texts/whatsapp's at home. Eventually she accused him of having an affair with a junior colleague and left him. Since he had done nothing wrong, he instructed his lawyer to give her as little as possible in the divorce. Obviously he's a good Dad, so he intended to buy things for his child if she needed them but wanted to be able to decide what and when rather than giving more money to his crazy wife.

I only heard his side of the story, but it's clear to me that his wife just expected him to support her when she was pregnant and be present when their baby was born. I suspect she expected him to put his family first (in terms of his time and spending family money). I know that he was out drinking almost every night after work just after the baby was born and constantly on whatsapp chats with a junior colleague (as well as other stuff that made it look like they were more than just friends). He is now living with this person, who joins him in calling his ex a crazy bitch etc and complaining about how unreasonable she is when she won't/can't change child care arrangements at the drop of a hat because they want to go out when he should have his DD.

My ex was abusive. Persistent verbal assault, threatening behaviour, smashing things. Persistently threatening to leave me. Until, one day, I called his bluff.

He told others I'd left him for another man. I did get into another rebound relationship quickly, but by that time I had moved out. His family never spoke to me again.

Knob.

I’ve heard it said and seen it myself that women will end a marriage/serious relationship because they’re not happy and will purposely leave to be intentionally single, whereas men will leave if they have another woman to go to.

My ex husband told our marriage counseller that he wanted to work on our marriage because he'd "miss having someone" while I said I'd miss him. It wasn't me he wanted, he would have been happy with anyone who would cook and clean and run his home and look after the child enabling him to pursue his career and hobbies. When asked what was special about me he said I was a good cook.

We often see posts from women wondering how they can leave, how will they keep childcare, full time job, the mortgage going. I sometimes wonder if men think "but if I end it I'll have to do my own laundry/cooking/cleaning/get up at 6am with the kids every weekend.

The 'she changed' post is spot on.
'Indeed I did, you utter fuckwit. One of us had to didn't we, once we had a baby, and you were too selfish to do so.'

OP, they aren't unrealistic ideas, they are deliberate, self-serving lies men tell to avoid accountability for the shitty behaviour that makes women leave them. It's also a calculated campaign of misinformation for political purposes. These are male supremacists radicalizing other men with these lies in the hope of pushing women into domestic and sexual servitude. They figure that if men just all start treating women like shit (or more like shit than they already do, I should say) we'll have no choice but to give up on equality.
What these morons don't realize is that it is actually having the effect of radicalizing women. More women than ever are choosing to remain single and tons of women resent and don't trust men because so many men have mistreated them in the past. We are fed up and they know it, so they are using ever more desperate tactics to try to control and dominate us.
We have to resist, resist, resist.

They don’t leave for an empty bed. As my old mum would say.

You're right.

I left ex because I'd tried for two years since the birth of ds, to persuade him to act decently. He'd taken to assuming I would just shut up and get on with the housework, my opinion no longer counted on anything even what we bought for food or where we went for lunch. He never once got up at night with ds, only changed 3 nappies ever, and even then because I'd dared to leave ds with him to get my hair cut.I was belittled and treated with contempt.

Finally, I could take no more so I got a job, rented a tiny flat in my old area and ds and I left.

Ex spent two years searching for my 'lover'! 😂😂😂

Was totally incapable of just looking in the mirror to see the problem. He still can't accept that life is infinitely better on my own, 14 years later.

Sorry, I don't think there's a violin small enough :D
Congratulations on being free of him!

Shitty men gonna talk shit.

What an entitled twat.
He's still whining about it 14 years later? Loser.

It seems like it's really very simple for men to be able to keep their wife for life and maintain a happy healthy relationship. They just have to stay loyal, be there and help out and contribute probably not even equally, but do their bit.

So why is it so difficult for so many men to do that?

I left my husband because my friend had broken up with her partner 2 years earlier and I thought it looked fun to be single, OR I just wanted to go out and have fun rather than be a mother.

That’s what he told everyone anyway, he didn’t tell them that for years he’d not parented, or helped with the drudgery of day to day life, or worked for 18 months - but spent all our money, went out when ever he wanted (I was not afforded the same consideration) and was extremely abusive in cycles.

it was interesting that some people actually believed his version, mainly our male friends and one woman who wanted to be with him.

We are both no remarried and he is exactly the same with his new wife, they are on the brink of divorce, and he has now been diagnosed with bi polar….

Sorry for the massive post, but I’ve always believed because women hold everything together and protect their shit DHs by not telling anyone all their faults until it’s over, so when it ends people could be persuaded by the party that then shouts the loudest (like my ExDH) whereas I kept my nose clean…

I think the main argument I've seen on these sites you're referencing is what you would call your classic incel argument. These are not my views! It often goes something like this:

Women are demanding top-tier men without being top-tier themselves. Men are being told that women want 6 figures, six inches, 6 packs, and 6 feet. He's got to be stable, charismatic, funny, want kids, traveller... a whole long list. The argument here is that feminism is telling all women they deserve the best (body positivity when you're obese for example), with all your friends telling you you're a 10. This means you filter out all the (your level) average guys, and the top 5% of men get all the women. This gives the women an over-inflated sense of 'worth', but they come crashing down and resentful because '10' guys will not settle with '6s' and '7s'. They then feel they're settling for guys on their level and stay resentful because they feel they could be doing so much better. The average men then resent the women because they ARE being settled for.

These sites often say men want three things: support, loyalty, and something physical.
Feminism (always blamed) means women are career-minded, bossy, and argumentative. They're not going to look after the house or their husband. It's beneath them. Their husband is going to come home to stress.
Loyalty. Well, men do not like flirty women, women with a lot of history, and women on Instagram. That's out too. That's most women.
Sex. It's not an obligation, and it should never be... but if men like it, and it's not happening, why be in a sexless relationship when you can be out having fun.

So the marriage/divorce point. These sites will say men have invested a lot in the relationship (90% of the time being the higher earner). Women (typically) go for men who are already financially secure (e.g. high paying job and a house). So women will marry 'up' and will either tactically divorce (for money), or will not feel obligated to put the work in and stay ('on a whim' divorces). Either way, the man loses.

The question often posed on these sites is, how does marriage benefit a man? He'll get lazy and fat, she'll get lazy and fat, sex will disappear, non-stop arguments because she's no longer a 60s traditional (grateful) housewife and a (classic feminist 'boss babe'), and if you leave, you've lost everything.

That's what's being peddled... men are essentially being told women do not offer anything of value anymore.

I’m glad this zombie thread was unearthed - lots of good points

I think generally what happens is this:
When dating both sides make an effort and show their best side. Both are younger so appear better( men really, really let themselves go as they age so at this stage he still look attractive.)
They have children. The woman does the vast majority of the work.
The man shows his true lazy side. What can the woman do?
She tells him to pull his weight. He doesn’t.
She calls time on the relationship.
The lazy man cannot understand the problem.
After splitting up the woman gets a new lease of life. She has one less baby to care for. She has far more time and much less work to do, as the responsibility of caring for the adult baby has gone.
The man lives in his own squalor. He is all woah is me. He sees his ex and how attractive she had become since she has more time to spend on herself. He sees the other men flocking around her.
He feels hard done to now that he has to wash his own shit and actually look after his own children.
He goes looking for another partner but has to actually make an effort otherwise nobody wants him.
His children moan that life is boring with him and his new house is crap.
Meanwhile he views his ex with envy as she appears to be doing fine and dandy without him, now that big baby is no longer her burden.
Instead of looking to himself to improve he blames his ex.

Harsh but often accurate..,

To some extent this probably is what they are being told but its certainly isn't a true representation but I suppose it may comfort the men who cannot get a woman or lost the one they had to read such rubbish as opposed to actually facing up to their own failures. I also suppose that many of the men who peddle this kind of talk are also well aware of how these men fail to take any responsibility or be accountable and know they can make money pandering to these men's sense of entitlement and resentment.

I divorced mine because he was cheating with prostitutes, addicted to porn & watching vile misogynist videos for hours at a time. He blamed my recent pay rise & quoted the statistic about women initiating divorce when they earn more. The mind boggles, can’t argue with a crazy narcissist

@Coffeeandanap Urgh, so sorry you had to deal with that and that he then tried to rationalise away his blame with that statistic! Also so glad you managed to get away from him. I wonder if it ever occurred to him that a woman earning a good wage might just have more agency to get away from a shitty man?

I think women tolerate substandard men because they want children, or have children with these men.
We all know women who stay because of the children.
If more women didn’t want children then they would never end up in a position where they earn less than a man, or do more work etc.
Having children damages a lot of woman’s careers and forces them into more grunt work.
Suddenly it’s the woman who has to organise childcare. Or take time off work. Or do the majority of household jobs now that an extra human has arrived. Quite often the options are put up and shut up, or divorce.

Absolutely agree here too. I divorced my xh after 24 years together, 20 married. After countless abusive incidents, reducing my standards ever lower, begging him to get help/etc etc. I tried everything. I gave him an ultimatum 7 YEARS before we split and another 2 years before. Along the lines of me and dds can't live like this. The next time you do xyz it's over. He didn't believe me. Still took me ages but eventually I ended it. He cried, begged and pleaded, swore he'd change etc etc "well, now I know you really mean it" was a highlight!! I refused point blank, he had had enough chances.

4 years on and he tells anyone who will listen that I left him out of the blue. One intellectually challenged mate of his suggested I was probably menopausal (I wasn't, at the time). He occasionally apparently admits as much as "I worked too long hours and neglected her". In actual fact I had no issue with working 24/7 if it kept his abusive ass away from us!!

He told a mutual friend last week that "all women are like children". When questioned, he said "well, look at Emerald's antics". Antics!!!

Needless to say despite all the stress and trauma I and both dds were immediately happier. And remain so. His life is a car crash. Such a shame.

Mine was never checked in to family life to check out.

Seems to be doing a great job parenting his new gfs kids though

I would rather be single. Many men bring nothing to the table other than an extra wage.