Please help me find a backbone

[greyrockagain]

I've changed some key details below to avoid being identified, but am a very long-term member of MN.

I've two children with ExP. Youngest lives with me half time, eldest about 70% of the time.

Unti about a year ago, we had 50/50 shared care for both kids and therefore no child maintenance. School lunches, uniform, school items, birthday parties, phone contracts, were split 50/50 but he will often quibble about things, ask for further evidence, contest small charges, require explanation, etc, which is really frustrating and unnecessary. I'm mentioning this as I think it's probably relevant to why this is pushing my buttons and making me doubt myself.

About a year ago, eldest was very unhappy, and asked for a change in living arrangements -they have a much more strained relationship with ex than youngest does. Ex agreed with no quibble.

Now my eldest is here more often I have really noticed my costs rising. I waited for ex to offer something in acknowledgement, but nothing happened, so a few weeks ago, I asked for a regular additional contribution - didn't specify, just said, let's discuss, what do you think is reasonable, sort of thing? .

Cut to now, he is basically digging his heels in and wants me to itemise my additional costs before agreeing to pay anything. I really don't want this as I think it won't end well and my experience is he uses evidence seeking, numbers and things I've said as a means of control and prevarication. It's hard to explain...

What I want to do, is to suggest, eg, £200 per month (which is actually around half the amount CMS would require given his salary) plus a continuation of shared school expenses for each child.

Does that sound reasonable to you folk?

Reason for not going to CMS is because I think it would actually materially impact both eldest and youngest child. He's the higher earner, but not by much, and I know I would struggle massively to find £400 additionally per month. There is also a part of me that lives in fear of younger child opting to live with ExP, at some point - I think he would absolutely go for CMS in that situation, which would be his right of course.

How do other women in this situation learn to bash down that feeling they're on the make/ begging/ being too demanding? I'm so cross with myself. I'm a die-hard feminist, but when it comes to it I find it so hard to stand up for what I, and my kids, deserve. It doesn't help that I grew up in a culture where women just got on with it and expected very little of fathers.

TBH if his child maintenance calculation comes to £400 when he's still doing 30% of the child care then he's not exactly struggling is he?

Show him how much his contribution would be if done via cms but say you'd be willing to take £300 under a personal arrangement but there is zero chance of you providing a breakdown of costs as you're already doing him a favour. Then let him barter you down to £250 so that he feels like a winner.

Well to be honest i was surprised at the CMS calculation, and wondered if there was an error.

he earns ok but it’s not much more than me, and it’s definitely not a lot to run a house on where we live.

I think you’re right though, I should flag what CMS would require, although he will absolutely know this already, I’m sure. I think you’re right, he is basically bartering and I have to do the same.

How grim; i always knew he was a bit of a dick to me (understatement) but I thought at least he’d do right by his children. Wrong, urgh.

Also, call his bluff, he starts paying the reduced rate by X date or you'll be forced to go through CMS.
Keep focused on the fact that the money is for your son, if he starts with the questions regarding itemised costs ask him for itemised expenditure to justify his inability to meet his financial obligations as outlined by CMS.

Good luck.

There is also a part of me that lives in fear of younger child opting to live with ExP, at some point - I think he would absolutely go for CMS in that situation, which would be his right of course.
the worst outcome is you don’t ask, then he does and wants the full amount. Don’t provide itemised. Say I’ve checked cms and they say you owe me £400 a month. I recognise the cost of living, I could take £200 by a scheduled direct debit but I’m spending more every week at the moment, so if you’re just going to argue the amount or it’s late every month, I will go through cms and you can explain to them why you can’t afford it, but they really won’t care.

Ask for it and it if he doesn't cpmply, put a claim in. Twat.

Thanks folks, for your replies.
@Domino20 you're right of course. the idea of treating this like a business transaction is good. And i am definitely not itemising stuff. It's impossible to do properly, and I just know it will end in loads of back and forth.....

@Codlingmoths you're right, that's the worst possible outcome. But it could happen and I need to be less of a drip and plan for such eventualities.

@BunniesRUs that's a nice pithy way of seeing things :) and quite right too.

He's still going on about wanting itemisation. Apparently the CMS calculation isn't relevant in this case because reasons (something about him still having to pay for housing regardless).

It will come as no surprise that I left him because he was controlling and couldn't compromise/ discuss things/ high levels of paranoia about people being out to get him/ take advantage of him etc.

Jeeezzz. What an insufferable cock. Looks like you'll need to go to cms. Did you try an ultimatum?.....by Friday pay me £200 for this month and £200 for last month or I'm putting in a claim.
CMS don't care about his 'reasons'.

I know, so ridiculous. It's like he cannot let anything go without a huge fight and it's all to the kids' detriment, although he never sees it like that - just as me being 'on the make'.