How to Say Goodbye.

[beachcomber70]

I will be seeing asap an extremely unwell relative who has only days left due to illness. I suppose I'm in shock [only just learnt about it] and a bit panicked, but what do I say?

How on earth do I say goodbye for the last time to someone I am so fond of....and without breaking down. I'm an emotional person. I just dread saying the wrong thing or not saying the 'right' thing.

I've not faced this situation before as when I've seen loved ones before they passed I wasn't aware at the time that it was to be the last time. This time it will be, sadly. Any advice please?

I work in a care setting and when I know someone hasn’t got long I Give them a kiss and hold their hand and say sleep tight x

I sat with my Grandfather knowing it would be the last time I saw him as he was also given days to live. He wasn’t coherent, but was conscious. I chatted to him like I would have normally chatted to him. I rubbed his hands because they had started changing colour which he seemed to enjoy, rubbed his head, even joked with him. My ‘goodbye’ was as I left. I kissed him on the head and said ‘goodbye’ in a more lingering way than I would have normally. It was very hard but I’m glad I did it. It will be different if your relative is very aware of what’s going on. In that case I think I would take their lead, then tell them how much they mean to you, share some old memories together. Don’t dwell on the death part in the chat and hug them tightly before you leave.
Im so sorry you have to face this 💐

It completely depends on you, them, and your relationship with them, there are no rules. Personally, I’d try to take their lead, mirror their mood.

With my dad (who was mainly unconscious) I just kept telling him he’d been the best dad ever and that I loved him and would look after mum. With another close relative we both kept it light and fluffy like we’d see each tomorrow, which was her preference on the day. There wasn’t a heartbreaking goodbye with her, but I sobbed all the way home.

Sorry you’re going through this, it’s awful but you will be ok.

💐

Do they know this is the end? If not I would have a nice chat and at the end just say see you soon and a kiss or some thing such. If they know then talk about the good times and leave it vague with a hug and a kiss, unless they really want the big goodbye in which case go for it.

It's really not your place to break down hang tough, unless they cry and then you can cry with them.

When I saw my sister in the hospice for the last time I thanked her for being a lovely sister.

That made me cry. I'm so sorry for your loss.

When I said goodbye to my amazing Gran I thanked her for being in my life and being my Gran, my Gran said we never say goodbye just see you later x

Can I be honest? Many people don't go anywhere near people end of life because of your concerns. Most people end up realising they have very few people who truly care about them enough to be there.
My point is you ARE going to be there, that's it!
There is no special thing to say or do just be there, if they want to talk about everyday stuff that's what you do. If they want to talk about deep and meaningful stuff that's what you do.
It's ok to just say things like "I don't know" or "I know"
You are there, that's ALL that matters.

It's OK to break down, don't be hard on yourself if you do. With DH I told him I loved him more than he'd ever know but I knew he had to go and that it was OK.

Yes, they do know [but was only told in the last 24 hours] that their time is short. So is in shock as well as we all are here.

Thank you all for the advice and the benefit of your experiences and good wishes. I will take the lead from her, and tell her what she's meant to me.

This is all so sudden.

That's lovely and what my mum said she used to say when she worked in care

Sadly we are finding this very thing at the minute. I think just being there is more valuable than you realise and then just follow their lead.

It will be fine. You might cry a bit. My dad then told me not to cry. Nicely.
I then held it in. But was sad. He loved me just being there. It will be fine.

This thread 😢🥰

Sending you strength OP.

I went to see my best friend in a hospice. She was barely conscious, so perhaps that made it easier to say thank you to her for being such a great friend and support to me. I hope she knew.

I think touch says a thousand unsayable things. Let that guide you. I know it sounds a bit mad, but it has helped me through a very difficult moment with my Mum which I treasure in memory.

And it's okay to cry. Tears are real.

Just be there for them. As others have said.

Honestly the main thing is to be there

You can’t really say or do the wrong thing (unless you start full on crying in which case go out and cool down)

They will just be happy to see you - at the end of life you do realise the people you love matter most

So sorry you're going through that, I lost someone I knew just before Christmas and I'm still very sad, a bit angry but mostly incredibly sad about what happened, or rather what didn't happen.
Look after yourselves as much as you can in the circumstances x

Take the lead from her. Personally I wouldn't want anyone to say anything like that to me. I'm a nurse and everyone is different just don't assume that she wants to hear final farewells and outpouring of emotion. Play it by ear, the only right way is to go along with what she wants. 💞

My relative seemed very pleased to see me and said how she was enjoying the visit halfway through. We had a good talk, some giggles and nothing too emotional. But it was heart breaking as she is so unwell and struggling.

It's knocked me sideways, seems so unreal. I held it together until I'd said Goodbye, God Bless and gave her a kiss...then lost it as I was walking out. Collapsed outside. So many tears.

I wish everyone experiencing this situation the strength they need and hope they have support. I'm on my own here...but this thread has helped somewhat.

@beachcomber70 please remember that this person is saying goodbye to life, even if they don't know it. You, on the other hand, are saying goodbye to them.

When my mum was dying, the family had sat with her for days. She was on a pump and we thought unconscious. My elder son sat by her head and through sobs and while holding her hand told her how much she meant to him. Mum hadn’t moved for days but when my son broke down she managed to turn towards him and reach for him, it was her last great act of love.
I would say share your love and your memories with your loved one, I know they can hear. Tell them of your love and joy at your time with them.
I hope for peace for you and your loved one.

Thank you everyone for the good wishes, thanks.

I'm also concerned for her mother who is about to lose her daughter. It's not the usual order of life, so adds to the sadness.

@beachcomber70 I’m sorry to read that she is a younger person, I imagine it must have been very hard for you. With time you begin to treasure having the opportunity to say goodbye, even though it’s very painful right now.