So hard to make new friends as an adult

[ExcitingTimes2023]

So at one point in my life (pre COVID) I had a wonderful social life, a close knit group of friends and a full calender of stuff to attend.

Fast forward a couple of years through the lock downs and two children later it’s just me and the Children for weeks on end. My partner is in the same boat as we had the same group of friend.

Since I had my first baby we sort of drifted away and now Iv had my second I don’t see anyone at all, except a few family members. I understand this is mainly my issue as my priorities have changed and theirs haven’t. So I made my peace long ago with only being invited to the odd big occasion type thing (not that I can even attend half the time as we don’t have childcare).

Anyway. Since the arrival of number 2 5 months ago I feel I’m becoming increasingly lonely. I felt lonely after my first but this is a whole new level. I have tried to make new friends but it’s so difficult with a 2.5 year old and a 5 month old. I go to baby/toddler groups but I have no time to talk to other mums as I have to engage with my toddler while making sure other toddlers aren’t being too rough with my baby. When I do find someone I struggle to keep up a friendship as my children are ‘dragon babies/toddlers’ - very fussy, very hard to meet all their needs, high levels of attention and engagement needed, feeding and sleeping issues. So friendships fizzle out as I can’t hold a conversation as my children are crying for my attention. I tried to make friends with people at work but it turns out the only thing we have in common is work.

My partner offers to take the children for me but I just don’t have anyone to meet up with anymore. I know I need to build up and new social circle but I just can’t seam to figure out how.

Anyone got any advice?

Thanks from one lonely mum x

I have no advice but I'm living through the same thing. I feel so much of what you've said

It is very, very hard, and I've personally found it basically impossible. I'm sorry you're feeling so low about it.

I don't socialise with people from work, and people I have met I'm just not bothered with. I've really tried, it just hasn't worked out. My husband and I moved 25 years ago, before SM and before texting/email/mobile phones were so prominent and I pretty much lost contact with people I had been friendly with.

I am fortunate that I'm very happy in my marriage and that I really don't feel any loss in the fact that I don't have friends any longer, but I can totally understand that if you do miss having friends, it would be painful and quite lonely.

I wish I had an easy answer to your problem.

Does your toddler go to pre-school? Or are there any sessions they could go to? I’m a bit out of touch with what happens at what age now as mine are grown up but I do remember it was hard going to groups with toddler and baby but my oldest still went to nursery one day a week when I was on my second mat leave and that made it easier to take baby to some groups on her own and be able to engage more with other parents. There will almost certainly be other mums in the same boat in your town but its equally difficult for all of you. Do you have a local children’s centre that might have groups for mums finding it hard?

Also once they do go to pre-school you start finding that when you go to pick them up there are the same other parents waiting too and that can be the start of a chat and maybe lead to doing something while the toddlers are at pre-school in future.

Get a horse. My horse is my best friend.

I made a nice group of new friends from the playground when my eldest started school. We still meet socially and see each other a few times a week on drop off and pick up. I volunteer to help out with the PTA when I can fit it in around work. Hang in there it will get easier 🫂

I don’t know. I guess I’m just feeling sad. Her third birthday is coming up and I thought it would be nice to plan a party for her until i realised I don’t know enough people/toddlers to invite.
Also me and partner have been together over 10 years but if we ever got married I wouldn’t have a hen party, no bridesmaids and hardly anyone on the brides side x

Gosh, you sound like me.
The only firned i have is some of the family, all GC and OH, and 2 of the 3 kids the third is like a work buddy when i worked

You can have too many friends

The reason i did not, never mixed after work on the whole is I'd heard people many thimes slagging off the other friends property, family etc once they had visited etc

That sounds tough OP. I second the advice above re preschool - will your oldest go to a nursery school once they are 3? School gates are a great way to make friends with people in the same boat as you. Right now your best bet for making friends is other people, probably mums, with similar aged children, so don’t give up on the toddler play groups etc. they are a change of scene for both and you and your dc.

You describe your children as “dragon babies / toddlers” and I mean this really kindly, but I’d advise you not to advertise your kids or your parenting with that sort of label - most toddlers are very demanding. No-one wrangling a toddler and a baby gets to have a meaningful conversation with another adult! And other parents of similar ages will understand that. if you keep going to the groups your older dc will start to learn how to play alongside other children, the space and faces become more familiar and you may all be able to relax a bit more into chatting to other mums or being able to help out a bit, which is another way to make friends.

don’t give up - it takes time and perseverance and you have to put yourself out there which is tiring and can be hard I know.

Oh lovely
The loneliness in the toddler years is REAL
I found once mine started at preschool and there was a bit of "school gate" activity (and yes I know MN hates the playground politics ) but that made it easier as you do see the same people
Week in and week out.
I also volunteered
Could you join an evening class maybe?

Aw sorry to hear that OP. I found it hard as well until I met the mums at the school nursery when DS was 3. It will happen.

Could you encourage your toddler to play independently, and maybe keep the 5mth old in a bouncy chair so he can just observe. Are you sure the other toddlers are being so rough that you have to be attending to it all the time?

It's a very difficult time with two little ones. It won't be this full-on forever. As they learn to amuse themselves more and more, you get more time to chat to other adults at these groups.

My children went to nursery. That is the only way they would have made friends for birthday parties. And conveniently, the parents there were really nice, so I made long term friends that have lasted many years.

Don’t worry op. As soon as your dc start attending nursery or school regularly you will find find new friends there, while waiting at the gate, or volunteering in some capacity.

Sometimes you have to be proactive and post (carefully) in local Facebook groups or play groups and ask if others in your local area with dc the same age want to form a baby-sitting/friendship group.

Good luck op.

I met a group of friends at baby group. But other than that are there any local meet up groups in your area? Or start a hobby?

Also with kids I'd just do a family party and do a friends one when they go to school

Op is there any buggy walks near you ? Or generally any organised walks?
Good way to get chatting to other people.

I know this might sound desperate but what about mentioning on local FB pages, looking for any local mums with similar aged kids for walks and trips to the local park.