No Sex, Wedding Coming Up - WWYD?

[IsPepsyOK]

Short story - I am mid forties, he is early fifties. No kids together, mine grown up and left. After 15 years of living in sin, he proposed out of the blue and I accepted more because why not. This was almost 2 years ago, wedding is now in few months.

Sex life dwindled into nothing over the last 4 years, we had a lot of stress and I thought things will improve as we were moving on but they got worse. He regularly masturbates, so I thinks it’s me that he does not fancy. And I am actually nice looking, slim, groomed, healthy etc. Otherwise, we have great relationship but more like friends.

I have tried talking to him, he says he does not know why, it’s not me, it’s just life but nothing changed. I am now thinking to just leave. It’s eroding my confidence. No point talking to him again as you can’t demand and he is likely to calm up. What do I do?

Don't marry him. Take a long hard look at what you have now, as it's very unlikely to change. If it's not what you want and he's not willing to work on it, then you have to make some hard decisions.

Do not marry him.

He’s not being fair. It’s not ok to erode your confidence like this. If you’d wanted a nice flatmate, you’d have found one.

Is there a chance that he is interested in men? Or asexual?

No, definitely straight. I am actually frustrated with myself sulking about the situation, he is the love of my life but I am not sure what I am to him now.

I wouldn’t marry him. He needs to at least fancy you. If he still wants sex, masturbating, then what if he meets someone he does want to do it with & has an affair or leaves. You could be storing up a lot of heartache for yourself. I wouldn’t risk it,you’re worth more than that sort of sterile relationship.
perhaps if you walk away it may jolt him.

Nobody owes me to love or fancy me, but it’s so sad after so many years together, we have a lovely house, so many memories and just really get on well. But it’s hurts too much to be second best to a fist, if ever.

Heavens, don't marry a man who won't have sex with you!

You need to talk seriously.
You shouldn't have to beg for sex. He is so disrespectful.
Ask him why he wants marriage and to stay together.

Is it worth trying sex therapy if everything else is good

He won’t have therapy, he denies there is a problem. He acknowledges we do not do it often enough, tells me he adores me and it’s just circumstances (tired, busy etc)

A man who refuses to have therapy when it would be helpful to you both is a red flag walking.

From my own experience (my H had a porn addiction that took me a long time to actually establish was the problem and beforehand I went through the wringer!) ask for therapy or leave. My confidence eroded to nothing and it fragmented our relationship so much, although he was wonderful in other ways. Him not wanting sex, telling me he had no drive, it drove me mad wondering what the issue was with me or was he gay etc. I'm not saying porn is the issue but if he can get himself off but has no interest in actual sex, this is something that therapy can help. You need to give him an ultimatum though and mean it - therapy and get to the bottom of this or I'm gone. Good luck x

dont do this yourself, at least postpone to see if things will change (probably won’t)

he denies there is a problem

He might not think it is a problem, but you do. Doesn't he care how you feel?

His timing is really strange.

He proposed when the relationship started getting distant rather than when you were closer.

I wonder if it's because he felt the disconnect and want to repair it but is completely going the wrong way about it.

I have a leaning towards believing him. It doesn't suit like you are the issue. The fact he won't go to a gp or a marraige counsellor is the more frustrating bit.

Tell him you aren't willing to head into a sexless marraige and that this is something that needs to be addressed beforehand as it's not something vows can fix. He needs to talk to his gp.

I definitely would not marry him in these circumstances. You sound very unhappy with the status quo and he’s not willing to work with you to repair the situation. In your shoes I’d be reluctant to give an ultimatum - he might put in more effort until you are married and then let things slide again afterwards. Only you know whether this new normal is tolerable long term. Remember there’s an opportunity cost here as well as the sunk costs of continuing a long relationship. If it is no longer meeting your needs, you won’t meet anyone more suitable while you are still with him.

I just re-read your OP. Mid 40s? You have a lot of life still ahead of you.

Forties is too young to stop having sex. It won't get any better and you will really resent him. Think seriously before marrying him

If he's got time to have a wank, he's got time to have sex with you.
Definitely don't marry him until this is sorted out or you'll be married and miserable.

Needs to stop.masturbating!