Can DNA tests like ancestry etc really find family members?

[JoleneInJeans]

Long story short, growing up it was always just me and my mum, I have no idea who my father is and we have very little in the way of extended family. My mum was never one for talking about it, it was very much a closed subject.

It is always something I've wondered about but never really enough to do anything properly about it. I've done ok in life, have created a family of my own with a very close network of friends and have never felt lonely really. I have DC of my own but have never really been a good relationship (I mean one that's lasted, not abusive or anything, I'm on good terms with the father of my DC etc) and have spent a great deal of my adult life single - which I am ok with. This isn't a poor me post, I have a really nice life with lots of good people.

But recently I have been thinking of trying one of the DNA tests to see if it brings anything up. But not really sure how it works, which one would be the best, and how people then make contact? So just looking for some advice really.

I'm not sure what I would do with any info that I got, or how this would impact on my life. DCs away and uni and a casual relationship I was having has just sort of faded away so not sure if I am in a bit of a slump and this will make things worse, or if I am looking for something I might not find.
So just really looking for any advice or experiences of using any of the dna tests and which ones would be best.

Start with Ancestry. It has a large database of samples AND the other sites allow you to load Ancestry results to their databases. Ancestry won’t accept anyone else.

You will see that you share DNA with other people who have also joined. No join/sample, no match. Some people allow their names to be open to you and may receive notification about you and vice versa. Then you can message.

In Other Stuff, there is a Genealogy sub. Some people there are very good at this stuff. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/genealogy

I think it's worth doing - you may or may not find a whole new family!

I did ancestry and found a few things I wasn't prepared for - my mother had a brother noone knew about and my father was only half related to his siblings, for example. It was quite unsettling but also fascinating and I'm glad I did it. I have actually made contact with some new relatives and also met my new uncle which has been amazing.

Once your DNA is on there even if you don't immediately get obvious matches something may turn up in the future. There may be someone out there looking for your information as well. I'm about 18 months in and new matches are turning up pretty much every day.

Is your mum alive for you to ask?

DNA test is worth a try but obviously there are no guarantees.

Do bear in mind, you might not like what you find.

If you do Ancestry DNA statistically half your matches will be from your mum's side and half from your dad's. Ancestry has a way of grouping matches in the two sides of your inheritance one group will be maternal and one paternal. If you do a basic family tree of you mum's side you should be able to identify which group of matches is maternal, the other group are matches from your dad's side. If you find close matches in that group they will be near relatives on that side.

I found out my GF had a half brother that I'm sure he didn't know about, and from there a whole new branch of the family.

I think you are right to think very carefully about what you want from this. For example how would you feel if it found your father and/or siblings. Would you want to meet? How would you feel if you met but they then didn't want contact etc. But if you are prepared for all that and happy with whatever happens then go for it.

I'd recommend a podcast series called "the gift" on BBC explores.

Explores some of the complexities around outcomes from DNA testing. I remember there being one episode with women wanting to find their sperm donor fathers and talking about the impact of not knowing - you might find it helpful to hear them talk through those emotions?

BBC sounds - not explores 🙄

www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/brand/p0gd2dgb?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile

My friend's DH did this. Turns out he had a son abroad he had no knowledge of (from a holiday fling years before he met my friend). They have now met and have a relationship 🙂

Thanks all for your replies.

Seems like ancestry might be the best way to go then.

I'll listen to the podcast and check out the genealogy link too thank you. Yeah I do think I need to have a bit of a think about why I am doing this and what I am expecting. Also that it could completely open up a can of worms in another family too I suppose. I think it's more curiosity than anything or maybe now that I'm mid 40s I'm aware that if I had any chance of finding my dad that I should probably get a move on.

My mum is still alive, but I don't think I could speak to her about it. I did start doing a family tree (obviously just from one side) during lockdown and thought about maybe broaching the subject them but nothing really came of it. I suppose all I can do is take the test and see what happens.

I was looking for my mum's biological mum or anybody who could solve the mystery of who she was. I connected with her biological sister on ancestry who was also looking for the same answers. I also talked to my bio cousin whose mum was another sister but who was brought up by my bio grandmother so knew a lot about her life and could fill in the blanks.

I think a lot of it is due to luck, on my dad's side there are no close matches at all.

Yes, a friend recently traced her birth father (she was adopted and had no information about her birth father at all) through 23 and me. She matched with a fairly distant cousin (think like third or fourth cousin or something) but that person messaged her and was really into genealogy and helped her plot the family tree on that side. She narrowed it down to two brothers, both of whom had died but one had a son, who she managed to find an address for and she wrote to him. He agreed to do a DNA test to confirm it.

Of course it would have been even easier if a direct relative had already been on the website, and more and more people are doing it, so there’s a good chance you’ll find out more this way.

Be prepared that you will find some answers but could uncover uncomfortable things to!

On one side I have found a number of family members - but there was a reason they also had been looking & had done a test and we all found one another. But it was bigger than any of us could even begin to understand so all of us have slightly closed the lid on. Though we know our ancestry a little more!

On the other side I don’t have many matches and it seems very few people had tested. My Grandfather - we knew he had been a bit of a player with multiple children born to different ladies - but we thought we knew them all! One lady had done a DNA test as she was interested - only to find out her Dad wasn’t her Dad. Her closest match was to me & I have no answers :/ terribly sad. She doesn’t want to know anything about us - which I respect completely. Though I feel oddily guilty if I hadn’t tested……

I'd suggest telling your mum what you are planning to do, in case she has very personal reasons for her secrecy.

This had a happy ending but it could have been appalling for all concerned... My friend's test threw up a close cousin, who got in touch with my friend. This person had been adopted and was trying to discover their biological parents. It turned out that the person was the illegitimate son of my friend's first cousin. The baby had been the result of years of sexual abuse by her stepfather.

I found my birth father (and extended family) on myheritage.com as a result of transferring dna results from ancestry, as advised on MN 😊

To echo others, could be amazing- could drag up something you can't even anticipate. We're going through early repercussions now. Good luck just be sharp.