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Original poster

Online dating- latest red flag guy and major ick

18 replies

crochetmonkey74 · 07/04/2024 08:27

So
Nice looking guy, nice chat for a couple of days. We get round to the big stuff, past relationship etc.
He tells me his wife is in a care home permanently as she has dementia (young onset she is 50 now and got it at 48)
Then he goes on to say "it's not fair to me to not have female company" "why should my life be stopped"
He has a 14 year old daughter who lives with him but he's had to move his mum in as he looks after his daughter "as well as he can" but it also isn't fair he has to do it by himself and he still needs his life.
Threw him straight back in the pool obviously (and very respectfully) but WTF

OP posts:
GrandHighPoohbah · 07/04/2024 08:30

I suppose the plus side is that he showed his true colours nice and early so you could bin him quickly. Lucky escape there.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/04/2024 08:31

GrandHighPoohbah · 07/04/2024 08:30

I suppose the plus side is that he showed his true colours nice and early so you could bin him quickly. Lucky escape there.

That's exactly what I thought! I'm getting better at stating my boundaries early too rather than thinking "maybe I could make this work if he was nice"

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 07/04/2024 08:35

He's all woe is me isn't he?

I think i would find it hard to stop myself suggesting that he puts his focus into helping his teen child through what will have been a devastating time instead of him having 'female company'

If it's even true. It's amazing what stories some will make up to get a quick shag.

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Dementia & alzheimer's General relationships
Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/04/2024 08:40

isthismylifenow · 07/04/2024 08:35

He's all woe is me isn't he?

I think i would find it hard to stop myself suggesting that he puts his focus into helping his teen child through what will have been a devastating time instead of him having 'female company'

If it's even true. It's amazing what stories some will make up to get a quick shag.

Well I did think this might all be made up and his real wife is probably sat at home not realising he is making up all this shit.
In fact, he was pressing me to meet him as he was in my town for the night so this could be true.
No concept that he is making himself look like an absolute inhumane twat who has to give all the hard stuff to a woman to do

OP posts:
NigelHarmansNewWife · 07/04/2024 08:47

It's a pretty extreme story if it isn't true.

PermanentTemporary · 07/04/2024 08:48

It's not attractive but I wouldn't blame anyone for deciding that they are free to date if their partner has the sort of dementia that requires 24 hour care.

I also don't think it would be a bad decision in itself for a grandmother to move in to support a bereaved 14 year old.

The way he's talking about it all though... yes, ick. And also a bit odd, wondering like you if it's true. And I would be fairly terrified at what the next few years with the 14 year old will be like.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/04/2024 08:53

PermanentTemporary · 07/04/2024 08:48

It's not attractive but I wouldn't blame anyone for deciding that they are free to date if their partner has the sort of dementia that requires 24 hour care.

I also don't think it would be a bad decision in itself for a grandmother to move in to support a bereaved 14 year old.

The way he's talking about it all though... yes, ick. And also a bit odd, wondering like you if it's true. And I would be fairly terrified at what the next few years with the 14 year old will be like.

If its true, he was saying nothing like how devastating it was etc. I couldn't be with a man who in 2 years had gone from 'in sickness and health" to "it's not fair " and he will "do the best he can for his daughter but still needs his own life"
That poor girl, losing your mum and knowing you are not your dad's priority

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 07/04/2024 08:56

NigelHarmansNewWife · 07/04/2024 08:47

It's a pretty extreme story if it isn't true.

You will be quite shocked at some of the things that are fabricated in order to get sympathy (and a shag)

Causewerethespecialtwo · 07/04/2024 08:56

Early onset dementia runs in my family, I’ve watched two family members go through it. I know everyone is different - but from being diagnosed, to being in a care home permanently just two years later does not fit with my family’s experience. Sounds a bit fishy to me, but I guess she could have a very extreme case.

My guess is it’s a story he’s invented/exaggerated with the aim to make women feel sorry for him and so sleep with him.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/04/2024 08:57

Causewerethespecialtwo · 07/04/2024 08:56

Early onset dementia runs in my family, I’ve watched two family members go through it. I know everyone is different - but from being diagnosed, to being in a care home permanently just two years later does not fit with my family’s experience. Sounds a bit fishy to me, but I guess she could have a very extreme case.

My guess is it’s a story he’s invented/exaggerated with the aim to make women feel sorry for him and so sleep with him.

Agreed! It didn't ring true
Which leads to the question.. what about this story did he think was going to be successful?

OP posts:
Causewerethespecialtwo · 07/04/2024 09:05

crochetmonkey74 · 07/04/2024 08:57

Agreed! It didn't ring true
Which leads to the question.. what about this story did he think was going to be successful?

Show quote history

He comes across as very self-centred doesn’t he? It’s all about poor him - not his poor wife and daughter. He just thought a sob story would make him look like a great guy, but his selfishness just sleeps through his words.

My Grandma got early on-set dementia in her early 50s. My Grandpa adored her and she still lived at home with him for 10 years, with a little help from family. She moved into a home for the last two years when she needed more care, but he spent hours with her every day, even when she couldn’t remember who he was. I never heard him complain about his own situation once, just him saying how sad it was for her and to see her slowly fading away. That’s a true man. Not a man trying to get his end away OLD just two years later because he has “needs”.

fatphalange · 07/04/2024 09:08

I wouldn't be touching him with a barge pole either, I'm afraid. Tell him he's not what you're looking for and dump.

Candleabra · 07/04/2024 09:08

iIf that’s how he said it, he seems amazingly cavalier about a situation that would break anyone. I’ve had experience of early onset dementia and it’s heartbreaking. I’m still not even near to coming to terms with it years later. I actually hope it was just a line and there isn’t really a 14 year old dealing with this.

Candleabra · 07/04/2024 09:09

Sorry about your date though. Honestly, it’s a cesspit out there isn’t it.

C1N1C · 07/04/2024 09:13

I honestly think he's I'm a damned if he does and damned if he doesn't situation (if true).

To live a life while your partner is 'incapacitated' will never look good... but likewise, to leave/divorce a partner when they're ill, essentially at their greatest time of need (in sickness and in health), either one looks bad.

RoadToPlants · 07/04/2024 09:18

I do know someone whose wife went into a care home very young with dementia so I can see how that would be feasible. He did also (much later) move a female partner in later whilst his wife was still alive in the home.

He never spoke disrespectfully about his wife though, which it sounds like he is here. So plausible scenario, but grim for being a twat about it.

Evasmissingletter · 07/04/2024 09:34

I knew a family in a similar situation. Wife in full time care. They had two teenagers. He met a widower with children. His wife lived in the home with 24 hour care for over 20 years until she passed. They lived together over 30 years, bringing up the children, eventually marrying when the wife passed.

Original poster
crochetmonkey74 · 07/04/2024 13:13

Yep all these situations are possible and sad. But to tell a literal stranger about it on a dating app and one of the first things being how it was 'unfair" to him is a major petulant selfish twat (even if it was true)

OP posts:
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