How do you manage with two children?

[verystressedmumtoo]

I’m returning to work soon, second DC. I’m a nurse and I’ve accepted a job doing shifts after being outpatient for many years. It was an opportunity I’ve dreamt of for a long time so felt I couldn’t pass it up, but now I’m wondering how we will manage.

Shifts mean DH will be responsible for pickup or drop off of both DC, baby’s nursery is opposite direction from older’s school and I need to be on the unit quite early. We have a nursery place for three days but if DH is working away I can’t get to nursery on time to bring DC to school/nurseey, so I’ll not be able to work at that day. And because we only have a place for threee days, what do I do when I’ve had a night and baby is home with me?

DH is mostly WFH so can be flexible with the school run, but he’s not SAHP so can’t do childcare (esp of 12 month old) regularly.

how do people manage this? I’ve just got my first rota sent over and I’m in a bit of a state. Also because im already bloody knackered taking care of our DC, doing housework, etc. Where will the extra hours in the day come from?

You’ll just have to manage after a night if you can’t get a place for 5 days.

Have you changed jobs since you got pregnant with your baby? I know it doesn’t seem helpful to say it now but if these were always your jobs with hindsight it would’ve been better to think about the logistics before having DC. It sounds like a really tricky set of circumstances

If you’re a shift worker and DH isn’t he is going to have to be the default drop off/collect/work around childcare issues. That’s how it’s got to be.

Could you maybe put in a flexible working request to your work and ask for, say, Wednesday nights and Thursday daytimes off? Or whichever day baby isn’t at nursery, so that you’ll definitely be ok to have them for that one day a week. It might just mean working more weekends and being ships that pass with DH, but compromises have to be made.

Sorry, clearly I skipped the part where you said you’d got a new role. I’d try and get something more family friendly honestly. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to work while your kids are small if DH can’t help more, you might have to park it until they’re older x

Seems like the opposite decision most people in your position would make. I’d advise finding a job without shifts while they are so small but obviously that’s not what you are after.

How often does he work away?

You might need more flexible childcare.

but if DH is working away I can’t get to nursery on time to bring DC to school/nurseey, so I’ll not be able to work at that day

And how does this work? Are your new job ok with this?

Does nursery have space for the full 5 days? You might have to pay for them even if you don't use them.

Does your DH work away often? You will need some kind of solution for when he's working away, and I guess it depends what options you have; family/friend/neighbour or someone paid like an au pair or something.

I really don't think you're going to be able to look after your youngest after a night shift. You will need sleep and it will be downright dangerous for you to stay awake all day looking after a toddler.

I assume you don't have parents or PILs who might be able to help out with childcare sometimes, or you would've mentioned them?

not sure why most people seem to be advising you change to more child friendly work pattern, why can’t the dad do it? Can you get your shift rota fixed so you can work out a consistent weekly routine? Can you use wraparound care for school child or family help or a child minder for the times when you both work? Good luck!

I know an NHS shift worker who has 2 young children and has managed to negotiate a shift pattern which means one fixed day per week when he is always off and can do the childcare. As PP said could you try and negotiate that to cover 1 of the 2 days you don't have a nursery place?

Have you read your own post back? You can’t understand why people are saying she should change to a more friendly work pattern? But then immediately asked if she can get her shifts fixed… ergo more friendly.

We haven’t got any family nearby unfortunately and can’t afford to pay someone to look after the children whilst DH is away. He doesn’t work away often but perhaps one week per month? Usually only 2-3 days but because of the timings those days I won’t be able to go in at all. I’ll ask about a more consistent shift pattern to align with nursery. If we are able to add another day it eats up even more of my wages which we can dearly afford.

One a month is pretty frequent if it disrupts your ability to go to work. Have your work agreed to you not going in when you don’t have childcare?

How much notice does he get of trips? With enough notice, would you be able to swap your shifts around?

One week per month is a lot and tbh with him working away so frequently, you were foolish to accept shift work without thinking through the logistics! Something has to give, either he gives up working away so much (which might not be possible or he might not want to) or you give up the shift work.

If you can't afford to pay for wraparound care or additional nursery days or other childcare to make it all happen, I'd question whether the jobs are worth it. I wouldn't work antisocial hours or go away for work (reducing family time) if I wasn't getting enough financial reward for it.

Won’t work mind if you can’t do your shifts once a month when your DH is away? This doesn’t sound sustainable tbh, you can’t look after DC after a night shift for a full day and you need to be able to work your shifts. Either change jobs or pay for childcare 5 days a week.

I’m part time so only three shifts per week, I reckoned they’d be flexible enough for me to cope with DH’s travel. Some months he doesn’t travel at all, others he might be away once or twice.theyve said I can have one day I list as unavailable so if can schedule his travel then, that helps (but only for half of it?)

So what do you plan to do for the travel days that aren’t on your specified day?

I wouldn't have been able to cope with doing a night shift then coming home and having to look after a baby all day. I guess occasionally it's manageable if baby is unwell and can't go to nursery but I don't think your current plan is sustainable, sorry. Night shift work is famously not popular with parents for this reason.

Unless you can get a flexible working agreement with set days or some other arrangement around your DH’s time away, you will need 5 days a week childcare. Some people do have to stay awake all day with children after a night shift, but it’s really not sustainable in the long term. My DC are old enough that if/ when I unintentionally fall asleep for a few minutes they aren’t at any risk, but I couldn’t do it regularly with a young child.
You need to speak to your manager about what flexible working options are available. Some jobs are able to be more flexible than others.

How long are your shifts?

I don't see it working unless your husband cuts back on his work trips and is very strict about timing them not to clash with your shifts.

You are also going to be an exhausted mess if you don't have childcare after a night shift.

Eight hour shifts. So if he’s not away, it’s fine and quite family friendly as I’m home with DC for dinner and bed. Or breakfast etc. I was hoping I could put my evenings on a weekend whilst he’s not away. But I don’t know that they’ll be able to do that for me. Oh bother i was just so burned out on my previous clinic and always wanted to work this specialism, but perhaps its not actually possible now 😣

It might be possible if your husband is willing to make compromises with his job to make it happen.

Let me guess, his career has been the priority so far?

It may not be possible now, but it might be in the future when both DC are in school. Can you stay at your current job and look to move jobs in a few years?

I’ve already put in my notice and accepted the other job, I’m meant to start in two weeks. I’m supernumeary for the first weeks so hoping o can get something sorted with the manager.

DH has had more of a career priority but his earnings are higher so we’ve had to make that the focus 🤷🏼‍♀️

You need to talk to your manager before you start to ask about the flexibility, and ask the nursery if extra days are possible. At our nursery you can book ad hoc days so you may not have to pay for a permanent extra couple of days. But you do need to sort this before you start to make sure you can do the job, you can’t just assume it’ll be ok when there’s your DC involved.