Sister, 31, learning difficulty and her constant ‘crushes’

[hugedilemmasister]

I don’t know how to help her.

She is autistic, borderline LD, functions about the level of 12 iyears old mostly but thinks she’s more capable.

She has decided she wants a girlfriend - fine, but she doesn’t want them to have autism or anything else. She wants a neurotypical lesbian.

First target was her carer, age 25.

Second carer was 19. She was very sexualised in behaviour and would ask carer to put cream on her back, comb her hair, asked about her pyjamas etc, selfies, said carer was flirting with her. Told me lots of things that were hugely inappropriate.

Now another carer, who she also says is flirting with her.

Then phoned me yesterday to tell me she’s fallen for her coworker, who’s 18 and supposedly fancies her back and has been flirting with her. Coworker has a huge family, sister said she wants to follow her heart and date this 18 year old.

i don’t believe for 2 seconds that this girl does fancy her, I think it’s probably bullying.

I am so panicked she will do something that will get her into trouble. She doesn’t appreciate where the line lies on what to tell people, or who to tell what, ie she will tell others about bodies etc.. and I’m so concerned she will get into bother with this girl’s family.

She’s very upset that I’m advising her to leave well alone, and doesn’t want me to tell anyone else. How can I protect her?

I agree she sounds very vulnerable :(

I think I would ring the Mencap helpline for starters.

I think that you need to consider how her carers can be supported to be safe too, Op.

Agree. If she is rejected how will she react. Might she make baseless allegations for example. Does she live on her own? Is the coworker also vulnerable?

She’s in supported housing, with mostly female staff and a female housemate (also vulnerable). Not sure of her coworker. I don’t recognise her on Facebook at all but can see photos of a huge family. I’m worried coworker is either a) taking the mick or b) equally vulnerable and not needing mixed up with a very emotionally labile 31 year old.

There’s nothing wrong with them having a harmless coffee but it’s just a bit worrying when sister said ‘I can kiss her’, err no, you can’t!

Carers are aware of the situation and try to support but I’m not sure what their policies are. For example sister has previously told me there’s been open chats about masturbation, which is definitely not a good idea.

She has an LD nurse but I think they’re scrabbling in the dark for resources at times.

"I think I would ring the Mencap helpline for starters."

This is good advice I think.

We will be in a similar position in the future and that is where I would/will start.

We all crave love & intimacy but it's especially difficult to support a person with LD navigate this successfully.

There should be firm boundaries in place for the carers. Do they report back to the housing manager? Is there a sw involved?

The local adult mental health learning disability team may be worth contacting for resources. I used to do work with people in a similar position around helping them understand boundaries and appropriate behaviour whilst also supporting them to seek out healthy appropriate relationships. And helping their support workers know what to do and how to help too. Clear, visual rules can be helpful, social stories adapted for her age - but needs to be from someone she respects and trusts.

For example sister has previously told me there’s been open chats about masturbation, which is definitely not a good idea.

Do you mean that the staff who your sister has crushes on are having these conversations with her? Your sister clearly has sexual feelings and it's standard practice to support people with learning disabilities to understand that it's okay to masturbate but it should be private, and so on. IME those conversations can end up being explicit for clarity (ie because a person with LD might not understand euphemisms or quite what is being referred to otherwise). I wonder if this is what the staff were trying to achieve? That would be the way forward that professionals such as LD nurses, social workers would probably recommend. But it wouldn't be right for people who your sister has crushes on to do that work with her - it should be "neutral" professionals. You should have a further conversation with her carers' managers about this.