Slightly Scared

[Imposter1212]

I have a new job which I start on 1st May.

My twins will be 11 next week. I left work when I was 30 weeks pregnant and didn't return.

When they were nearly 4 I started a college course and then went on to Uni. I graduated last June. Its taken until now to find a job. I interviewed for a civil service job in September. Didn't get it but was on the reserve list. The hiring manager found me another role in an adjacent department and I was offered that. The pre employment checks were intensive and intrusive but finally completed a week or so ago so I'm starting 1st May. Already booked onto a residential training course for a week on London in June.

I'm panicking. My DD has autism, dyspraxia and a cerebral visual impairment so still needs supervision more than her twin. The rules have changed and now I'm likely to be in office 3 days a week and I'm panicking about lots of things.

Going back to work after 11 years. Struggling with imposter syndrome really. I have no cyber background which the hiring managers know and that's why I'm doing training. I feel guilt that this is the last school holidays where I'm fully at home with my twins. I think back to all the lovely summers we had and sad that we won't have them again. Then I feel excited about my new job and using my skills and learning something new. Then I feel guilty about doing something that will take me away from them.

Logistics. We've not had to sort childcare since we've had them. Almost 3 years of my 4 year degree were online because of covid and in my 4th year I was lucky that all my classes were in school time. Only had a couple of days that we needed covered across the year. DH says he will do the 3 days I'm in the office as his role is flexible and can be done from home and after 11 years he feels its my turn to work with little interruption.

The 2 days I will be in I have organised one wrapround day and a friend is taking them the other until I finish at 4.30. FIL has kindly said he will split the holidays and is more than happy to have them stay with him for a week and then do days as and when we need him. Lovely. But the logistics panic me. What if FIL or the twins are ill?

I feel absolutely ridiculous. Most families deal with this with far less help than we have.

It's normal to panic isn't it?

i actually think your situation sounds bloody stressful op

and you’re full time too?

Think of how much you have achieved by getting this job.

Planning ahead is your friend in this situation. Take one say at a time. Lots will change, it is doable.

Eleven years is a long time to have been out of the workplace so it's bound to be daunting but it sounds like you have supportive family around you. I think the lack of cyber ( do you mean IT skills ? ) will be hard if it's an essential part of the job. I think for the holidays I guess you and dh will need to take separate weeks annual leave. If your child is disabled you may be able to take unpaid carers leave in an emergency, so check out your employers policy on that.
It's frustrating when employers change the wfh policy. I started a new job last summer and between interview and starting they had changed the policy.

Op, you can utilise after school clubs and holiday clubs which can be great for kids.

you are right that parents manage holidays, sickness etc, and getting a job is a great achievement, well done on that. Take the time to prepare emotionally and practically for the next month.

meal prep
think about AL and summer hols
explore holiday camps associated with their interests (sports, dance, etc)
read about the role/ work environment

well done

Sounds both completely normal to feel so panicked, and to also have so many logistics to sort out. This is the life of working parents and it's a bloody difficult juggle full of stress. But remember why you're doing it. You'll make it work and it will become your new normal. And imposter syndrome is normal and awful, so sympathies, but remember loads of people will be feeling the same.

I will be full time. DHs organisation have a full time working week of 35 hours and in the winter he doesn't work Fridays. Normal Friday finishing time is 1.30pm.

The job is cyber security and my role will mainly be on reporting on the cyber performance. So I will need an understanding of the terms but will not be doing any technical cyber work like coding or anything.

DD is so excited for me and in the last few weeks has been trying to do things for herself - like dressing and washing. Previously she needed it doing for her but she's keen to help herself more. So maybe I did baby her and a little independence from me will be the best thing for her.

I had a chat last week with my boss and he was super supportive and said when I join we can complete a carers passport and look at only having me in the office for 2 days.

I work full time with two kids already, and remember feeling so worried a few years ago because I was going into a job that was 100% in the office, 45 minutes away, from 8 - 5. My DH was also full time in the office and long hours. I just had no idea how the hell I was going to make it work. We didn’t have any family around either. I couldn’t sleep for how worried I was.

Anyway, I started, and it was totally fine. I shouldn’t have lost any sleep. The company was far more accommodating about kids than I thought. Being away from them made me a better mother overall. You’ll be fine I’m sure.