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Bit of a long one-potentially moving house, mum helping but being awkward

11 replies

SusanSHelit · 05/04/2024 18:18

So, as the title says, this is a bit of a long one but I'll start from the beginning to give some background /context.

Just over two years ago, I left my abusive exdp, shortly after starting a new job in a hospital. Our son was 8. We have had 50/50 shared custody from day 1, as it was one of the few things we agreed on (and he and ds have a good relationship)

Exdp owns his house outright, we were never married so all I had were my belongings (clothes, a very few bits of furniture and approx 2k in savings). I was not entitled to anything regarding his house as we are in England so no common law.

I went to stay with my dm, who lives on the opposite side of the city to where I am now based. It was a pig of a commute as I can't drive (struggled to learn in the past with adhd and depth perception issues in my vision) and it's almost two hours each way on public transport from her house to my ds's primary school. It was exhausting for me doing 12 hour shifts, and exhausting for ds too obviously.

So while I was greatful to her for housing us, I really felt I couldn't stay. Luckily I found a house to rent that I could afford and is close to ds's school, and a reasonable distance to my work.

Unfortunately, my landlord put my rent up in January, only by £50 which was fine if a bit annoying. But £50 I could deal with. Now however, they have decided that actually, they want to put it up by £200, which I really can't afford, but would put it in line with going rent in my area. I told them I couldn't afford this and they have come back through the letting agent saying they will issue a form 6a (which is a section 21 no fault eviction) as they now want to sell. This was on the 15th of March but Ive had no letter as of yet.

I spoke to my mum about this, not looking for help, but just letting her know the situation. She then offered to help me buy somewhere, initially by taking out a sec mortgage (which I would pay her the repayments). But after talking to my aunt who is fairly savvy property wise, she is now going to try and raise a deposit for me from her house and I have an agreement in principle. We are in the north West so prices are quite modest compared to most of the country. My budget is only around 120k though, which is very tight even for the area I am looking in.

I saw a property a couple of weeks ago that would have been really lovely but I was outbid after putting an offer on so was clearly not meant to be. It was a stones throw away from where I am now.

I was initially looking at property near ds's school, but he is in year 6 in September, and is pretty much guaranteed a place in the senior school he has his heart set on, so I started looking for places in that area instead (about a mile away from where I currently live)

I viewed one today that is listed as between 120k and 140k. It's a beautiful house, in a quiet neighbourhood. It's walking distance to where I work and around a 35 minute walk to the senior school, though getting to primary school for the last year from there will be more challenging but not impossible. I currently get a taxi to work as the bus is not reliable enough to get me there on time. If I got this house, I would be swapping taxis to work 3/4 times a week for a taxi to the school roughly the same amount (and same distance) so I wouldn't be spending any more money on travel than I do now.

The thing is, my mum is being really difficult about this house (that I have kind of fallen in love with a bit tbh, I wouldn't even want to redecorate it they have great taste).
She thinks the travel would be too much for ds, I shouldn't be spending money on taxis to the school when buying a new house, she thinks it's too far from the secondary school (it's about 600 yards further than I had to go for secondary). There is a train station that is visible from the front door of this house, with the school being one stop and a ten minute walk at the other end.

She just seems to be very negative about this house and thinks I should hang tight for another year (I don't think I have that long, I'm very up in the air regarding this eviction and I don't really want to poke the bear by calling the letting agent to find out what the score is, they don't need reminding if they have forgotten to send the letter).

I think part of it is that this house I'm looking at is quite a long drive from her house (she hates driving) and she seems to be having second thoughts on helping me raise a deposit now. She is adamant it is too far from the schools and that I should wait.

Tia if you got this far. I'm not sure what I want out of this thread, but I needed to get it down

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 05/04/2024 18:27

I think you need to sit with her and explain your thoughts and feelings about the house and why it is right for you and your dc.

Then let her know that ultimately, you understand it’s her money so if she does not want to support this purchase you’ll have to respect her decision.

I can see both angles. Not much you can do but try to get her to see it your way.

SusanSHelit · 05/04/2024 18:36

I can see why she might think it's too far for her to travel to see ds, but we rarely meet at my house as it is as it's too far. We usually meet in Liverpool city centre, which is actually easier to get to from potential new house than it is from where I currently live.

I also had to commute in year six as my mum and dad divorced. A half hour drive across the city, just when my mum had bought a house on her own (she let my dad keep the house for my benefit /stability. I was 10. Ds is now 10)

Then in secondary school, she drove me to school in year 7, but always wanted me to walk. I didn't want to walk and felt very uprooted as I didn't go with any friends.

The school ds is in is a feeder school for the secondary he wants to go to so will go with friends and he is quite keen to do the walk /train one stop from year 7. My mum is adamant it is too much, especially in winter. All I can think is worst case scenario, I sub him taxi money to school if the weather was awful and my travel costs would still be less than they are now

I wish she could see the potential in this property!

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 05/04/2024 18:42

I wouldn’t get too bogged down in details or about the past when talking to her.

Just tell her your top 3 positions and your one main fear, then ask her about her concerns.

Has she said it’s about distance from her rather than from school?

SusanSHelit · 05/04/2024 18:50

She's mentioned both. But she's said she disagree with the travel to even the secondary school being OK. We walked from the house to the school after the viewing today and it's a pleasant walk!

The thing is I think, that where I am currently is technically Liverpool, but the postcode of this house I looked at today is Prescot, and all she can see is me moving further and further away from her (when Prescot is only ten minutes away from me now, I live on the very very edge of Liverpool ) . The house I'm in now is a bit closer to her than exdp is (about five minutes closer in the car) and she seemed overly pleased about that when I secured my tenancy here. So I think both are equal factors in her disapproval.

It would probably actually take about as long to get to her house by train from the new house as it currently does to get to Liverpool city centre by bus from where I am now, around an hour (train station is miles away) so we could do a bit more visiting to her which she would probably love!

OP posts:
AliceOlive · 05/04/2024 19:08

Did she go with you to see the house

SusanSHelit · 05/04/2024 19:13

No, she works Tuesday to Friday and sometimes Saturday in a very demanding job. The house only came to market yesterday so I jumped on it and got a viewing today so very short notice.

The vendor works from home and is happy to arrange a second viewing. I told my mum and she said she would come to look at it if my offer was accepted because 'it's a mission to drive from mine and I'm shattered after work'

So she wouldn't have been able to come today, but declined to see it anyway

OP posts:
SusanSHelit · 05/04/2024 21:15

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
Gcsunnyside23 · 05/04/2024 21:33

I think all you can do is sit down with her and discuss with her the conditions of her offer to help. Remind her you can't afford the rent and god knows where you will end up if you have no choice where you can afford. Not to blackmail her into helping but to make her aware she can't control where you live either. She either helps or she doesn't, it's not fair to offer them decides it comes with strings

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 05/04/2024 21:38

Actually stop explaining things to her. She helps you out with no strings or you will say thanks but no thanks and walk away from her help. And mean it. You are an adult. Your ds is your ds. You make the decisions here.. She sounds exhausting. Which is just what you don't need...

gamerchick · 05/04/2024 21:42

Tell her this house is a stop gap to get you out of the stressful eviction thing you're in and you'll be in a better position to find somewhere else later.

SusanSHelit · 05/04/2024 23:03

She's sending me links to 2 bed flats near where I currently live and one to a house on my current road that I am actually considering (it's not a bad street community wise, transport links etc) but it's further from the secondary school and smaller, and looks to have wooden paneling to the front which I'd want a surveyor to have a good look at.

She didn't reply when I pointed out that the house she sent me the link to was actually further from the school than the one I viewed today

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