Did anyone else move up as their DC moved out? Did you feel guilty?

[Springisntspringing]

Hi,

To give you a bit of background, I had dd in my early 20's, so pretty young, split from her dad in my late 20's, met and married someone new and we're been together for 12 years.

We struggled with money, like most people do in the beginning, but dd never really wanted for anything. Any of the important stuff anyway. We rented a small house for a while, then finally bought a house about 5 years a go. Don't get me wrong, it's lovely, but we know we don't want to stay here long term.

Dp has had some big promotions and if they carry on on this trajectory, we'll be able to afford something much nicer in an area we prefer in the next couple of years, by which point dd will be an adult and may not even be living with us.

Maybe this is strange, but I feel guilty. It just doesn't seem right. It feels the wrong way round. She's hardly slumming it here with us now, but the idea that we move to a bigger, nicer house after dd moves out just feels off to me and honestly, it makes me sad.

Dp thinks I'm mad and that we should just celebrate our fortunate position and that dd will still visit lots, but I can't help but feel guilty. I have the guilty gene unfortunately.

I guess this could be quite common if you have your dc young though.

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from?

You didn’t have the money then, but you may in the future, so no need to feel guilty.

You’re overthinking it. I doubt your dd has missed that your circumstances have changed and she’ll know why you’re upsizing. Ultimately it’s a better inheritance for her one day so win-win. Enjoy it and stop with the guilt.

@Screamingabdabz the inheritance point is a very good one actually. Oh, I overthink everything 😬

Remember she has a life time of coming to visit…. With her own family if she has one….. she will still get to appreciate your new house….

I should point out that dd is likely on the autistic spectrum, so I'm probably overly protective of her and her feelings, ad it's been a bit of a bumpy ride at times, getting to this point.

Thank you @Wish44 . That is a lovely thought.

We were similar
4 dc and struggled with her work life balance not much money / Uni amd medical school fees for years
We're 50 now with only one really at home amd just bought an absolute dream 5 bed country cottage
So happy but almost feels too late ?
They don't come back from Uni much but I guess we'll have somewhere everyone can assemble at Christmas ! Enjoy I'm looking forward to the less cleaning up after then

Have you seen the recent thread about aging parents moving away and how often their adult DCs, working ft with DCs of their own, find it feasible to visit?

Your DC may not move out as quickly as you think. My younger son stayed living at home until he was 27 saving for his deposit. He needed a higher deposit because he doesn't earn a high wage.

I'd rather see my mum happy regardless.

And you get to leave her a bigger house. So don't feel guilty.

Sounds like you earned this and you sound like a lovely mum.

@mumzof4x yes, it's the "too late" feeling that I definitely relate to, but then too late for what?..

There seems to be this societal rule/race that you find your dream, forever home when your dc are still young enough to appreciate it and then once they leave, you downsize.

@Cosycover thank you 😊

Just make sure you keep your money safe, OP, given you're not married!

She might not be able to afford to move out until many years into her adulthood, so could potentially move with you.

I have 3 adult DC and one is a boomerang 🤣

A home is what's inside not the physical building.

@MILTOBE I am married...

@WhateverMate yes, I've heard of the boomerang dc! 😂

Surely a lot people are able to enjoy a better standard of living once their DC have left home. Whether you want to spend your spare cash on a nicer house, cars, holidays or filling up your pension pot is a personal choice.

Not quite the same, but my parents didn't have a lot of money when we were kids, and holidays were budget camping trips.

Now they are better off (for various reasons) and go on cruises, stay in nice hotels, etc. I don't resent them at all for this, they should enjoy their holidays, I'm happy they're in a position that they can afford to treat themselves

Will you help your DD if you are financially better off.

@mumzof4x you are living the Escape to the Country Dream

I was raised in an emergency council flat - no heating, no indoor toilet, for some years no hot water. My mum moved into a comfortable house with central heating and indoor loo just before I left home.

I promise you it has never even occurred to me to resent her for this, or for my childhood home. Literally never occurred to me till I read your post! What you went through you went through together, you didn't do it TO her.

I remember feeling aggrieved that my parents went up in the world to buying a dishwasher when i left home 😂

I would feel as you do, but these are the circumstances and you’d be mad to not take the opportunity to have a home you love.

Yes i get you OP.

Same here. 3 oldest DC raised in teeny cottage youngest DC raised in mahoosive house. BUT two of the older ones have boomeranged twice, one of them has never left, youngest loving the space and now we have elderly mother with us too.

Life's complicated. Like pps have said - you'll have more room for the boomerangs, the grand kids and extended family one day (the inlaws staying over!?).

My older kid's memories of their childhoods in the teeny cottage are all lovely ones. Nothing to do with size or space. Just the fun we had together and our dear old pets 😊

We didn't have the proverbial pot to piss in when dd1 was born we were also young we got by lived in a council flat .we were a bit better off when dd2 was born. We moved and moved again not long before dd1 moved out, she is now in her 30s. I don't feel guilty for the lean years and we don't feel guilty for having a nice life now. Stop feeling guilty because you have nothing to feel guilty about.

I totally understand where you're coming from op. I had my kids young as well. It's only now when they're v late teens that we can afford a big house and non camping holidays. I remember the best days were the yellow sticker hauls from the supermarket or m&s thank you vouchers from work at Xmas. We would drive for hours to our camping holidays in France and all spare money went on debts . I would never have believed that my husband and I would increase our earnings to this extent and clear our debts. We had a bereavement during covid which gave us an inheritance to put down on the big house. I'm pleased that my dc can experience it with me and I think they'll stay long enough to save up their own deposit. Don't feel guilty op. Be happy and proud of what you've achieved and that you've made it this far.

@crumblingschools yes, of course! I love the idea of being able to help her, especially given her talents lie mostly in the arts, where steady money isn't always a given. I would love to find somewhere with a space for a workshop/studio if she did stay with us for longer. Having that on the list helps with the guilt somewhat I suppose.

@Ketzele thank you. You're right.