Toxic relationship with mum need to rant

[Windywintermorning]

I've got a dilemma and I need to rant.

I love my mum but she can be toxic. She's treating my younger brother badly and has singled him out because he's done something she doesn't like and he's not very good at heading off her ire, so she gets more and more vexed and then explodes.

Problem is she gave me money for my deposit. Quite a lot of money. So I feel my hands are tied and I can't pull her up. She hasn't given any of my other brothers or sisters money. She uses money to excert control and withholds it when people don't fall in line. I'm married with a kid to a person she likes so.

She's disinvited him to a big family celebration that's coming up and keeps trying to drag me into it even though I've said I'm not getting involved.

I feel like a fraud because I can see what she's doing is wrong but I don't want the blowback. She's incessant and her insecurity is her bed mate. If she ever thinks that she isn't in control or anyone is criticising her she explodes. It's like that meme where everyone panders to the most toxic person in the group to the detriment of every other person just to coddle them and keep the peace. Events in the past have been ruined because of her mood swings.

On the other hand I've accepted a huge sum of money from her so I guess I've been paid for?

No idea what to do. Right now im trying to shield my brother as much as possible while remaining 'switzerland' with my mum. It's getting hard to bite my tongue and this current family drama is making me dread spending any time with my mum.

She's not a monster. I love her. But I can't deal with the toxic side of things.

In order to protect himself your brother should go low contact with her.

Im assuming he doesn’t live there?

Do all your siblings know you got this money?

You should change the subject or nod, or hmmm if she tries raising it with you. Or you could even challenge her on it?

You have the money afterall so I don’t think you have anything to lose!

No one knows that my mum gifted me this money except my husband. She wanted to keep it a secret. Its going to come out at some point like these things always do.

I was very grateful for the money and still am. But before I would've challenged my mum. I don't feel like I have that right anymore.

I'm also exhausted of the contant cycle of drama. I was in the middle of the last cycle and had to be the peacekeeper and the person who got people to step back from cliff edges and talk to each other and I can't be bothered. It really affected how I felt day to day.

Be careful as she will destroy the sibling relationships and I’m sure will one day announce your deposit just to hurt you.

can I ask does she try to keep all siblings separate? Or does she like it when you all get along? Or play you off against each other?

She likes it when we all get along, as long as everyone gets along with her. She loves seeing us all together and she's a brilliant granny, she's the best person in the world when it comes to my child. However she did once imply, after she'd been jilted by my brother, that I shouldn't put in as much effort to my daughter because I won't get it back. I hated that poisoning of the well. She didn't mean it but she just doesn't think.

Althoguh she likes everyone to be together she gets very insecure if we do things without her. One of my sisters stayed at my place over the Easter break instead of staying at my mums and it was a big deal, to the extent that my sister probably won't stay over at mine again because of the drama my mum will cause. I find that very sad.

Your mother sounds utterly dreadful. There is no amount of money in the world that could make me turn a blind eye to blatant bullying of someone I love. I know you love your mother OP but that doesn’t mean you need to like her behaviour or excuse it. As long as you say silent you’re actively helping to enable her nasty behaviour towards everybody particularly your brother. If I found out my sibling was fully aware of my mothers controlling and abusive behaviour towards me me and they didn’t step into help me for the sake of money that would be an even bigger betrayal and one I could not forgive. It seems your brother is the scapegoat and you’re the golden child in her eyes. You’re in an awkward position but like others have said she will likely use it as a stick to beat you with future down the line one way or another eventually. You need to dig deep for some courage and start telling people some truths they won’t like. The money isn’t anyone else’s business that’s between you and your mother and if she outs it herself then it can’t be that big a secret to her anyway. Please help your poor brother. If she’s capable of acting that way and saying things like that about your daughter then I’m afraid I have to beg to differ with you, she’s not a great granny at all. You say she didn’t mean it but if she didn’t mean it she wouldn’t say it. She’s not thoughtless, quite the opposite. She’s knows exactly what to do and when to do it to ensure she can cause chaos and control the narratives in everyone’s lives to make them miserable when she is. What kind of mother does that? Not one who loves and cares for her children im afraid. I’m sorry this is very direct but I think you’re ignoring massive red flag behaviour in favour of rose tinted glasses. Please don’t do your children the disservice of growing up around someone who makes everyone walk on eggshells and have to dance to her tune. They deserve to live without the anxiety she has caused you and your siblings. They need to be able to have good role models and experience healthy relationships or the cycle will never end.

You do NOT need to hold your tongue just because you have been given money. A criticism of your mother does not invalidate your gratitude for a house deposit, they are separate issues. A house deposit does NOT come with the covenant that you agree with her on every issue.

I speak on this because I can relate.

I suggest you do not accept any more gifts/handouts from your mother, this way she will not have this control over you. Also, just as important, you will be able to stand up for your brother!

Is the money definitely a gift or a loan? The trouble with a lack of both clarity or equity in these situations and dealing with someone who has a possible undiagnosed personality disorder is that it has a tendency to blow up when the controlling parent doesn’t like something you’ve said/done etc. or uses the ‘secret’ to create a drama between the children. or the ‘gift’ suddenly turns into a loan which places you in an awkward position financially.

Your Mother sounds like she has issues you are not responsible for but you can choose how to react or interact with her. At any point the money becomes a ransom you need to shut the conversation down firmly.

My brother was the Switzerland in the scenario where I was bullied and ostracised.

I neither like or respect him now.

Come clean about the money. Then you aren't beholden to anybody.

What is the problem with the brother?
Your mother is allowed to not like something any person does and express her view, like anyone else.
Your mother doesn't need to give any of her money to any person with whom she disagrees, particularly grown adult children.
Likewise, your sister is free to stay with her sister when ever she wishes. She should not take into account your mother's opinion.

Are you sure that you are all just not manning up and behaving like adults? Own your own feelings and behaviour..
You lucked out because your mature behaviour was noticed as something your mother wanted to reward with financial assistance. Maybe she will help the others out when they show maturity matching her meaning of maturrity.

It suits your mother well that the money is a secret because she now holds this over you (in addition to the money itself) as she could choose any moment to let everyone else know as other PPs have said. These people thrive over secrets as it helps to sow discord and triangulate family members.

She obviously views relationships in a very transactional way and this was also demonstrated by what she said about your daughter “not getting back what you give”.
This should not be why you have children. They are not beholden to you forever no matter what sacrifices (financial or otherwise) have been made in the past.

Not to sound too ‘MN’ but she sounds like she has narcissistic traits- this treading on egg shells so she doesn’t get upset, exploding when things don’t go her way, playing her children off against each other all sound very inkeeping.

I agree with lots of the advice above- come clean about the money asap and stand up for your brother.

The problem with my brother:

Hes the youngest on of my myms kids. Out of all of us, my mum paid upfront for my brothers uni fees. I don't know the precise figure but it was in the £50k mark. He's the youngest by about 8 years and he was the only one at uni when the really high fees kicked in, and she wanted to spare him the onerous interest rates that were part of that debt structure. We all knew about it and were all fine with it, no drama. The money was never a gift however, my brother has been paying her back around £500 a month since he's been in work. There was drama around that, as when my brother first started working the money was obviously quite a large part of his paycheck and he wanted to pay less a month. It's my feeling that my mum asked for it to be this high for a number a reasons. 1 - She doesn't trust my brother to pay her back so she wants to be repaid quickly. 2 - I think she initially engineered it that way to force my brother to move back in with my parents after uni. This is because she said if he did, that she wouldn't charge him rent and only the repayment of the loan. All the other siblings have always paid my mum rent at about £500 a month (when working).

Growing up, because there was quite large age gap between the rest of us and my brother, there was a long time when we were all at uni and my brother was at home at school, so he was sort of treated like an only child. He was a really good kid and my parents, who were disappointed in the rest of us because we were more wayward and less naturally academic, and more interested in going out with friends than being at home, treated my brother a little nicer. Holidays abroad, business class trips, five star hotels. They had a nice relationship and none of the rest of us minded it.

The problems between my mum and brother started a while ago with small things. My mum lived abroad and when she'd visit he wouldn't come down for her last weekend here (he was studying at uni in Sheffield at the time). My mum tends to hold on to small transgressions like that, and in her mind compare them to effort it took to raise the child. I think it also stings more because they treated that child to more things.

The biggest problem now is that he's moved in with one of my other sisters. They're both renting a 2 bed apartment. This triggers my mum for a number of reasons:

• she feels left out
• she's annoyed that they're paying a stranger money every month for that strangers mortgage rather than moving back home to pay my parents and essentially help them out.

It makes sense but my siblings don't want to live at mums because of the toxic stuff. They're also in their mid thirties and late twenties so it's pretty normal.

All of that is also superimposed on the wider situation where my mum feels very disappointed that most of her kids are married with kids already. I think she feels judged and its causing her bitterness.

Anyway I probably haven't explained it well enough but I'm typing as my toddler flings her omelet out of her plate so I better go. Just getting things off my chest.

Correction - Most of her kids arent* married and don't have kids

OP - frankly your mum sounds like a nightmare and I’m even more convinced now after reading that last post that she has narcissistic personality disorder.

Pushing your brother to pay her back more quickly than was comfortable for him (assuming she didn’t need the money desperately) and forcing him to move back in with her is so controlling. Guilt tripping him and your sibling about renting somewhere else is also so controlling.

I find this mindset where you ‘deserve’ to be treated well because you ‘invested’ money/holidays/other luxuries on a child absolutely baffling!! You can give as much as you like to a child but if you’re abusive and controlling then why would they want to spend time with you later in life?

Have you seen the stately homes thread on here?

OP the GIFT of the money shouldn't buy her your silence on her bad behaviour.

Speak up. If she asks for the money back tell her No, it was a gift, not a loan.

You are enabling her. Stop it.