Wedding planning made me realise how lonely I am

[Lonelymama88]

Not really a point to this post, just wanted to get my feelings out.
My partner and I are getting married in September, our original plan was to go to a registry office and be done with it. However I think I would have regretted it so we decided to have ceremony and meal with just family then a party in the evening.
For the day time part I have a grand total of 8 guests where as my partner has 22! I know it’s not his fault he has a bigger family (and most of his grandparents).
Trying to please everyone is proving to be really difficult and everyone seems to have an opinion on any decision we make. I know I shouldn’t be trying to please anyone else but when everyone is putting their 2 pence in it makes it really difficult.
I have no friends so don’t have anyone to talk to about anything… I decided to mention to my mum and sisters what my idea was for a ‘hen do’ which was met with resounding ‘no’ so I won’t be having one.
I keep seeing all these posts about having your bestie stand next to you on your wedding day is the best feeling blah blah blah.. I feel like I have completely failed and feeling so lonely.

As I said no point to the post just wanted to get my feelings out

I also have terrible self esteem, it really does make it difficult. I’m also quite shy

I would love to do a ghost hunt, which I get isn’t everyones cup of tea

Your wedding sounds like it will be a perfect day for you and your partner.
Our evening party is more for the children than it is us, my partner has a very big family so it means we can invite extended family on both sides and also the few mutual friends we have.
I hope you and your partner have a lovely wedding day ☺️

I had no one to give any opinions! Or at least not interested enough to. I didn't get married til 40, and most of my (plenty of) friends were either married and preoccupied with young kids or determinedly single and not into that kind of stuff. My sister was in name only my MOH as she lived abroad. I imagined my mother would be more into planning as of three daughters I was the only one to get married and she had been to so many of her friend's kids weddings over the years now was the time for her to shine, but she was mid 70s and I guess not really up to it. So I did it all (it was a with 120 guests in central London). No hen do. My fiancé was a very busy man and was paying for most of it but couldn't really get involved in the details(it was also his second wedding and I was just happy he was happy for me to go all out).
I think my biggest sadness was no wedding dress shopping fun - I just had always envisioned that 'Say Yes To The Dress' thing! Never happened- I got one made bespoke (which was fun) but it was on my own.
So even with a sizeable amount of friends wedding planning can actually be a solo activity. So interesting contrast - me large wedding but minimal input you small wedding with too many opinions! Do it your way, I did.

Having people interject with suggestions and alternatives, trying to accommodate everyone is part and parcel of having friends and family. I think you're either people pleasing too much then resenting it or being too sensitive over normal comments.

Congratulations and enjoy your wedding day, it’s you and your fiancés special day not anyone else’s.

We are in a similar situation just probably a touch worse. Also been together approx 20 years. We got engaged about five years ago and discovered none of the family want to come or even think it counts as a wedding and my one and only best friend won’t be there. We’ve even double checked and since then one set of parent and stepparent have divorced, the only ones ever to show any interest. So we’ve stalled and booked nothing as even in the local register office we need two witnesses.

So no it’s not just you.

That sounds fab that’s the sort of thing I would have chosen if I’d even get a hen do. But I’ve got no one to invite.

We are have 36 guests to our wedding, all but 6 are relatives or their partners. Not everyone has a big group of friends. My neighbours are also getting married and struggling to get their list down to 150!
The ladies I work with are throwing me a hen party, which is more about going out for the first time since Covid as a group than me (and I prefer that)

Congratulations. remember it's about you and your partner being married and your life together. the wedding is just one day, and actually focusing too much on it doesn't bode well! When we planned ours, I knew we wouldn't please everyone as that's impossible so we didn't try to, and in fact, didn't share that much information with family about it. It's about what you and your partner want for the day. Obviously you can't help your family being small but remember, you are part of his family now. i think a bigger question is you being lonely and not having any friends? Can you reconnect with older friends, or look to meet new ones (just generally, not to invite to the wedding)?

I had 3 bridesmaids and a flower girl. One of my bridesmaids was a young teenager and she was the most polite and helpful. The other two (very close relatives) honestly could not be bothered with me and made it increasingly clear the closer we got to the wedding. They moaned about everything. I ended up doing everything alone - picking up my dress, hair trial, organising my hen do etc. It was actually a lonely time. But on the day I had a great time. I didn't feel any obligation to spend time with my bridesmaids given the way they had behaved so I just focused on spending the whole time enjoying the day with my new husband. We chatted to our lovely guests together and had such a laugh.
OP - focus on the one person who is the most important to you. You said you have children too so enjoy your day as a family. Maybe your husband could do a ghost tour with you and you could treat yourself to a spa day as a pre wedding treat?
I hope you have a lovely day 💗

I know making friends isn't easy but if you are feeling lonely I'd encourage you to find ways to expand you social activities to meet more people. Perhaps gets some counselling to help with the self esteem and shyness as well. A club, a hobby, something that simply gets you out and about a bit more without the pressure to 'make friends' but which could naturally lead to that.

I'm not great at making friends but the ones I do have are either long standing (from school & uni), old flatmates and a couple of workmates where we stayed in touch after we left. Friendships do wax & wane a bit in terms of much we see each other/are in touch (some even live in different countries) but I know they would be there for me if I needed them and vice versa.

As for the wedding, stop telling people what you are planning! They can't make comments about stuff they don't know. If they ask be vague. I didn't have any of the traditional stuff, no hen do, no 'say yes to the dress' shopping moment, no MOH/bridesmaids, best man, got ready on my own etc. It's not essential and can still be fun without.

Also your hen do idea is a bit 'niche' and I can see why some wouldn't be keen, but is there something else you would enjoy that might get more takers? I've declined or missed out bits of hen dos in the past as I just knew I'd hate it (pole dancing lesson & Bollywood dancing class for example!).

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding, OP.

A small wedding can be a beautiful one as long as all the people in the room are your biggest cheerleaders. What saddens me is that your mum and sister weren't supportive of your hen do plans.

You aren't alone, you have someone very special in your life. The person you are marrying. That is something that many people who are single or in loveless relationships would give a great deal for.

But I understand that your partner can't be the be all and end all in your life. You do need other people.

Do you have former friends you've lost touch with who might be interested in rekindling your friendship? Or if you really don't have any friends at all, is there anything you are interested in which might be a way into meeting new people? A hobby? A book group? A choir?

For some people, making friends doesn't come naturally, and that's OK. But it is never too late to try and meet people you have things in common with.

Ah that's hard, sorry to hear. I've had some friendships fizzles out when (I think) we both feel the other doesn't care that much and our pride kicks in. If one person had been more enthusiastic it might not have happened, but by the time I've wondered that I'm too annoyed and hurt to do it lol.

I put a decent amount of effort in the other friendships I do really care about (though not necessarily consistently), and it's paid off in that there are friends I can really count on and we love each other. But it didn't happen without concerted effort, at least at some points!

I found it useful to realise a while back that other people's friendships don't just happen totally naturally but often involved effort (you sometimes didn't want to do) and pushing past times when it feels like you don't have much in common etc. Does anyone relate to that?!!?

And does any of this make sense or feel relevant OP?

If it makes you feel better, I had around 100 day guests at my wedding and then perhaps a further 50 in the evening not that long ago.

However... serious illness, a child with mental health issues and multiple other challenges mean that I am only now in touch with a handful of those people. I had a high profile and very interesting job and was pretty much dumped by loads of people when my life changed so dramatically. It's been fascinating (if painful!) seeing who stuck around.

As long as you have your partner and your children with you then it's all good. Congratulations and have a lovely day.

Op I work at a LOT of weddings and your situation is not unusual at all,I promise. I doubt I'll ever get married (bf doesn't want to) but if I did I'd struggle for bridesmaids etc for sure! Your day is about you and your fiancé, everyone else are just extras. Xx