And I have zero regrets.
A few days ago a mysterious car appeared and deposited itself across the verge/service road directly opposite both mine and my neighbours driveway exits.
Both exits are single car widths with concrete posts and brick walls.
This car being there removed half the width of the service road and meant a good deal of careful manoeuvring to avoid damaging anything.
We asked around the neighbours. Nobody knew anything about it.
We left a note advising of the difficulty parking there created for both houses.
Note was removed at some point.
Car remained for many hours.
DH (first time I've used that acronym since we ran off to Gretna on the 23rd December last year and told the family via video call from the safety and security of the Scottish Highlands on Christmas Day 😁)
was about to lose his temper and do something daft like letting the tyres down that surely would just make them hang around even longer
I may have been pre-menstrual/menopausal but I just got so fucking fed up with the damn inconvenience of a 365 point turn if someone else had parked legitimately on the road that I lost it.
I grabbed the lard from the fridge and walked round this Audi leaving a single thick line along the back windscreen along to the front and finished with a cock and balls on the front windscreen.
Then I went back in the house and waited.
Few hours later the door bangs so I answer it with my best resting bitch face and a "YES?"
( I kept DH out of the way as my nuclear option if I needed him) I'm probably more scary just without makeup and after a night shift.
A 30 something scruffy-looking oik in tracksuit busy talking on his phone to someone else stood there.
"Why you putting fucking shit on my car?"
I know it was you cos there was a shitty note on it"
So my brain confirmed that he HAD read the note and yet STILL continued to park there.
I told him to wipe it off and slammed my door.
I needed to go out about 5 minutes later and he was still parked there and as I got in my car and started reversing slowly he desperately screeches his car to completely block me in.
No problem, I've got time. I switch the engine off and turn my audio book up loud so it's blasting through the speakers and put my chair back and feet on the dash.
He lasts one minute thirty seconds before he drives off.
He hasn't been back.
I didn't break the law. I didn't damage his car.
I just caused him some inconvenience. Hopefully he will realise after several car washes...
Cos lard smears like an absolute fucker.
I just wanted to admit to it in secret.