Competitiveness… I should just rise above it, shouldn’t I?

[Samisue]

Changed some details to stop it being identifying. Two adult DC, DS and DD. Both married and at the life stage of having DGC.

DS and wife are extremely well off due to DS being a high earner and inheritance from the wife’s side, therefore his wife is a SAHM. They have lots of lovely time due to the freelance nature of DS work to be able to do things during the week.

DD and her husband are more junior having only graduated recently and so working their way up. Both work full time very long hours. DD is pregnant. They are also trying to do up their small house. Not sure on earnings but definitely not high, we don’t see as much of them but they are extremely busy.

It was their grandma’s birthday last week and DS and DIL pulled out the stops. They bought her an expensive gift, decorated her bungalow while she was at an appointment, took her for afternoon tea somewhere fancy, baked her two different cakes and made a trifle from scratch. It was a very grand gesture and very kind of them, she hasn’t stopped talking about it since.

DD has not gone to the same lengths. She simply bought her an inexpensive present and took one of those helium balloons round, guessing to the value of £20. She mentioned she’d called grandma and all grandma did was talk about what DS/DIL had done.

At the weekend we saw them all and DS looked smug and proud that grandma was constantly talking about their efforts. I was surprised at this. DIL made a big point of asking if any of the other grandchildren had spoiled her so much. It was probably meant in jest but I could see DD and her husband squirming.

What would you do in this situation? Just rise above?

Anyone have any thoughts?

I'd have been disappointed in my son and the grandparent for being so rude and shallow. Also would be bemused why my son and dil had made such a large gesture just to then put my daughter down.

What @Doingmybest12 said.

Do they usually do all the grand gestures or was this out of the blue?

Did they have a good brother and sister relationship growing up? And grandmother should know better than to rub your daughters face in it.

Out the blue really.

Grandma is a bit tactless and says what she thinks.

Mostly yes, but very different personalities as teens and beyond.

I wonder why they felt the need to go over the top if they don’t usually behave like this. Is there a chance they hope she will remember them and leave them money in the future to make them even richer?? Or could this just be the start of them showing off about their lifestyle. It is very cringe though.

It’s very hard when you know that your income is very much less and that you have to work harder for it as well. It was insensitive of your son and DiL and grandma. I guess they’ve succeeded in making your daughter and SiL feel inadequate and that might well damage relationships.

I was wondering too, if it was part of a plan to set themselves up for an inheritance.

If it’s anything it’s probably more showing off. They are the outgoing type and love hosting dinner parties, doing grand gestures for others. Sometimes DS says DIL is fed up that nobody does ‘nice things’ back for them and that other people don’t treat them in the same kind way…..

On the other hand, maybe they just wanted to do something nice? It sounds like the grandmother really enjoyed it. Some of the things they did were more about effort than money, such as baking the cakes and decorating her home. Agree it was a bit tactless of the grandma to labour the point, but that's not their fault. I'm not really sure what you can do about it anyway, aside from telling your son to make less of an effort with his grandmother, which would be strange.

They're time AND money rich though, young daughter in law doesn't even need to work as she's living off someone else's money

Your poor daughter 🤦‍♀️

I think the only rude person here is the grandmother (your mother?) It was tactless of her to go on and on. I hate that old people so often seem to get a pass on shitty behaviour just because they're old, I see it time and again. Young people are criticised for not having perfect manners, whereas old people have really rude behaviour just handwaved away.