Why did I let men treat me badly in my youth

[MincePiesAllTheWay]

The thought keeps on nagging me lately. I don't know if it's because I'm going through some personal stuff at the moment so not feeling very happy in general. I find looking into my past and realizing that I allowed men to treat me really badly and use me. Be it sexual or any other favour related. I remember in my late teens/early twenties being desperate to have a boyfriend. And I thought the only way to achieve that was through pleasing them. I even continue this into my early thirties.

I keep on asking myself why I kept on doing it. Appreciate we all met some jerks and had negative experiences but I continued with the same pattern for way too long. I was desperate for relationship.

I keep on thinking maybe it's down to the way I was bought up. My parents view in life was that you always had to make friends with people and keep the relationship going. There were always something more important with my sibling or some other crisis at home that I never wanted to bring my needs above all this just not to upset mainly my mum.

My life has moved on and I changed my pattern eventually but I keep on looking at myself back then and just don't understand why I didn't stand up for myself and stopped all these things happening.

Maybe someone has gone through the same and can offer insight?

We were totally conditioned to behave that way in the 90s and early 2000s- read Britney spears autobiography if you don't believe me. Don't blame your parents - they were conditioned too.

@ThisNiftyMintCat thanks for reply. I did read her biography which I found interesting. I never related it to my own experiences in young age but when you put it like that it does make sense

No answers here I’m afraid but in the same boat. I think @ThisNiftyMintCat is probably right tbh.

I look back and feel a mixture of sadness, regret and disappointment in myself.

Its been going on for a bit longer than the 90s, try about 13000 years!

And this is why feminism is continually derided, in case young women get control over their lives.

On my part it is / was low self esteem. I actually rejected anyone who treated me kindly when seeking my long term partner in my 20s. I recognise it is deep rooted and caused by how I was treated by my Dad but didn’t seem able to escape from that pattern. Now I am 50, my self esteem is finally a bit higher due to success in my career, but I have become paralysed in my relationship because it has been so long and I don’t know anything different. Reading Mumsnet has opened my eyes to a different type of relationship but I can’t imagine being brave enough to leave mine or enter another one.

@MincePiesAllTheWay
You say: My life has moved on and I changed my pattern eventually
Give yourself credit for that instead of giving yourself a hard time for the choices you made in your younger days. A lot of people never break the pattern and you did so recognise that.
As for why you did it, as pp has said it's likely related to how you were brought up as well as how society was and sadly still largely is as far as I can see.

@MincePiesAllTheWay

Combination of effect of the way society brainwashes girls to think and be certain ways,
also cause of the powerful reproduction hormones at play,
such as your hormones having quite powerful effect on your mind and thinking 🤔

Also obviously your family dynamics ways especially their mindsets having another powerful effect too,

Also wanting to be like or fit in with peer group in society and social standing envorimental too,

It's obviously good you are thinking reflecting about stuff like this,

However we can't change the past we can definitely learn from the past in a way that's can be beneficial to use,

along as we don't over analyse get stuck in the same Grove in a rut, and can't move on,

If you feel stuck ect look into good effective therapy or therapies to address this

All kinds of different therapies out there, not just counselling..

find out on the mumsnet section on various therapies to see which one feels resonates that could be right for you

Also look up on Google Internet too.

We all make mistakes along as we learn from them.

Thank you all for your replies. It helps to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way.

@Mummadeze - I can relate to self-esteem part. I was doing well academically but for some reason this did not help when it came to forming my relationship. There were young men whom I now think wouldhave made good partners/husbands but obviously at the time I wasn't interested in them. I think my self-esteem has picked up as well, more so in mid mid 30s. I do have a wobble every now and then but overall not too bad. I know it easier said than done but you still can change things with your relationship if you want to. Either staying with the same person or moving on on your own.

@redboxer321 - thanks for words of encouragement! As I said I'm overall going through tough period (not related to that) so maybe that's why having more darker thoughts.

@cerisepanther73 - thanks for useful insight. I am contemplating about therapy. Tried talking therapy in the past twice and just did not find it too useful. It did give some relief at the time but not something that gave me tools moving forward.

I feel exactly the same, OP. It didn't really hit me until a few years ago. It's really sad but day to day I am able to compartmentalise.

@blitzen - the same with me! I always used to put it down to just silly things we do when young, mistakes etc. which is true in a way. But in reality it was awful.

in one way your pattern hasn’t changed, and that’s that you are pinning blame on yourself, rather than placing it where it belongs: with those men. Perhaps reframe this pain as - why did these men behave so poorly? Or even better why does wider society enable some men to behave so badly? No matter how low your self-esteem was, you didn’t deserve how they treated you, nor did you bring it on yourself. They had the choice to behave decently, but they chose not to, that’s on them.

Didn’t get love at home and everything was conditional and contractual so looked for it elsewhere with the skills I adapted.

#@MincePiesAllTheWay

I think 🤔 when i read mumsnet posts on here makes me think there are some good things about social media too,

Also makes me feel i wish i had discovered mumsnet many moons 🌙 light years ago,
when i was a teenager, or in my early twenties,
as sometimes or occasionally in real life it can be tricky difficult to know who you can trust to talk about confidential stuff,
and of course some people even family can be Judgemental,
as can bring in their own emotionally invested perspectives as to what they expect of you etc,

outside perspectives with people who don't know you,
can quite often give you a refreshing perspectives in a way that you didn't think about too.

@MincePiesAllTheWay

I ment to say when i read mumsnet post like yours makes me wish i discovered mumsnet many years ago etc.

@WitcheryDivine - totally different view. I suppose I drilled it into myself I'm in charge of my own destiny so I should have controlled that element as well. I understand perfectly what you're saying but to change that mindset is very very difficult.

@cerisepanther73 - I wish I discovered mumsnet earlier as well.. just being able to get different opinions and views on the subject. It doesn't necessarily mean that you will change yourself/ decision you are going to make but just having that option is very useful. I was longing for a female figure whom could give me advice all my childhood/teenager years