Early morning handhold?

[Miserycrumble]

I don't want to give a long lists of complaints when I have a roof over my head, enough food and my child is safe but I think this is the unhappiest I've ever been in my life.

Following some work stress, I was recommended some counselling by our occupational health dept (had lots of it in the past and haven't been able to reep the long term benefits). My boss and I agreed that as long as my workload was kept manageable, that probably wouldn't be necessary. This was only 2 weeks ago and now I can't imagine how I could just pass up any opportunity to get better.

I feel like a huge mess of emotions, going from incredibly happy to cripplingly sad and I can never stick to any solutions because I feel like 2 separate people. When I'm happy I feel like I don't need anti depressants and will come off them confident with my own coping strategies like practicing gratitude, exercise and eating well. When I'm sad I feel like I can't even engage with these coping strategies.

My DS is being assessed at pre school due to his aggressive behaviour and lack of understanding, I no longer feel attracted to my DP, my work anxiety is difficult to manage, I have gained 2 stone in a year, I have pushed away the one true friend I have living nearby and I feel like I'm only really surviving. I'm now struggling to see a way out of this mess.

I am not an expert but might I suggest:
going back on your medication and staying on it even if you feel happy
speaking to your manager and going back for the counselling
considering that your son’s aggression and lack of understanding may be linked to whatever it is you are going through- he will be picking up on it/be affected by it even if you think he isn’t- again, doing the first 2 things i listed will help with this over time.

What do you think?

It sounds like you need to take at least today, probably a bit longer, off work. Get into your Gp and occy health about getting proper support in place for your mental health.

take some time to take care of yourself

Thank you both. I hope I do a good job masking in front of my DS but take your point.

As for work, I've just returned from a bit of time off following the stress. My boss is really great and makes a lot of allowances for me. I don't want to be seen as unreliable. It's so hard because I am struggling but I can also have days where everything feels fine so I feel like a fraud.

I had to leave early to pick up my unwell DS from preschool last week and then to take last minute leave the next day to look after him. I know none of it's my fault, but I must look so unreliable. Now I feel I can't even take the time to go to the doctor's to sort out meds. Last antidepressants I was on gave me awful headaches, I'm not sure I can go through the struggle of trying different types.

I'm so sorry after you've taken the time to reply, to just put obstacles up. I really appreciate it and may be in a better state later to consider these things.

Can you get a telephone or evening slot with a doctor to at least discuss options regarding headaches etc?

Still go ahead and ask for the counselling knowing that it will help in the long term and therefore will reduce you being/being seen to be unreliable.

What sort of counselling have you had/will you get?

It sounds like you need psycotherapy to address and process the underlying stuff so you can move on, not just talking therapy. There's lots of modalities but I think schema therapy is a great one.

You absolutely do need to do this for yourself and your DS. His issues are no coincidence. Of course he could have some SEN stuff going on or not, but either way the two of you will be co-regulating.

Don't worry about being flakey at work for a while, it's their legal and moral obligation to help you through this.

Gabor Mate is good on this stuff. The Motherkind podcast and Self-care for extremely busy women also. The book you wish your parents had read is handy.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/6Yi8KySwcPsvTCHAQszWzQ

Also, not easy I know but reach out to your friend. Tell them you've pushed them away and be really honest about how you're feeling. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is, and share it with your friend. This is how we process stuff.

I agree, be honest with your friend. And definitely try the counselling. Your manager sounds like they're being helpful so I'm sure they don't see you as unreliable. I've managed parents and I never saw issues with their kids as 'unreliability'.

I suspect your poor mental health is creating problems in all of your relationships. Once this is resolved you can make better judgements about the future.

I consider anti depressants as sticking plasters, but they can and do work. You may need to deal with the root cause of your anxiety and depression. With a good therapist you can and will start to feel better.

One step at a time, call and book an evening or lunch time telephone or face time call with the GP

Message your friend - apologise and tell the truth.

Start there.