How to reconcile myself with my postnatal body?

[The3rdWatermelon]

Today DH and I had a lovely day out with DD. He took some photos of us looking around a museum. I just look awful in every one. I look like some lard in a jumper, frankly!

DD is 18 months old. I had IVF followed by a difficult birth and slow recovery, struggled to breastfeed and gave up at 4 weeks following the second bout of double mastitis and being on sepsis watch. I had to have forceps and had to have a catheter for 5 or 6 days afterwards as the swelling and bruising was so much that I was unable to wee on my own. I then had PND for 12 months.

All in all I’ve had a lot of medication over the past few years, most of which comes with ‘bloating’, ‘weight gain’, ‘water retention’ type side effects.

Up to the start of IVF I was an active size 12 (5ft 5). I had to retire my horse when I got pregnant so my main source of daily physical work is gone. I have a neurological condition which predisposes me to migraines, depression and chronic fatigue.

The body I have now feels like it let me down at birth and breastfeeding. I’m a size 14-16 but lumpy and stretch marked. I’m always exhausted. I go through bouts of being unable to stop eating rubbish, and then starving myself because I feel like food eaten by me is a waste of money and I should save it for DD. I keep having hot flushes where I sweat profusely and turn bright red. Every day I’m fairly sure I have leaking of urine. I went to the dr about it and she just gave me my 5th round of antibiotics in 10 months for it. All that happened was that I then got an agonisingly itchy skin infection as all my skin’s natural microbiology had been totally wiped by that point.

I’m hyper aware of the amount of space I take up, the noises I make when I’m out of breath, the smell of my body. I work in a partly outdoor role, and all my colleagues are so slim and fit. I’m drowning myself in perfume and layers of big baggy shirts and jumpers.

Sorry for the self-pitying novel. Where do I even start to sort out this mess?

Grateful for any advice.

Bless you, you've been through so much!

I can somewhat relate. Ivf, difficult birth and slow recovery.

I'm 17 months post partum and I've tried to give up as many UPFs as possible. I make sure I get enough sleep (DH is responsible for fascilitating this!)

And I joined the gym in January.

Joining our council run gym has been life changing for me.

I absolutely hate the gym floor so I don't do that. I do the classes 4 times a week. I started with yoga for mental health and gentle stretching, then for strength and balance.

Now I do 2 yoga and 2 body combat classes.

Quite frankly, I am feeling stronger, fitter and better in myself.

I love the me time and the rush I get after a class.

Lots of love OP!

I would go to the GP and see if any Wellbeing programmes they can refer you to.
Where I am we have Healthy Living Centres that run exercise classes alongside other holistic support with diet etc. Free of charge.

I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. I can’t comment on any of the medical stuff but it sounds to me like you should see your GP (maybe a female on who has an interest in women’s health so you don’t get fobbed off).

As regards coming to terms with your postnatal body, I have lots of experience with that as I’ve had a really tough recovery from all my pregnancies. I’ve gained loads of weight each time and managed to get back down to a size I was happy with each time (but it took ages). I’m still ‘recovering’ from my last and final pregnancy (2 years ago) and this time it’s even more difficult - I still have about 10kg to lose to get to where I was before this pregnancy.

some people bounce back from pregnancy and that is pure luck. For the rest of us, you just have to be kind to yourself and really patient. Try to eat lots of fruit and vegetables, whole grains and all those home cooked ‘real foods’ whilst cutting back on processed food where you can. Try to be active in small ways, by introducing new habits like walking places, taking the stairs, squats whilst boiling the kettle etc. Stress and sleep deprivation make everything twice as hard.

In the meantime, and while you are waiting for the weight loss to happen, I find a fake tan, good hair and some well fitting clothes (ie not to tight but also not a sack) work wonders.

I also personally prioritise good food over other things and do a weekly riding class for the social aspect and gentle fitness.