Am I wrong?

[Abhg17]

So I’ve been with my DH 7 year we have 2 children together. My partner has a DS from a previous marriage. We used to visit DH’s parents weekly with our children and every time we visit DH’s dad makes nasty remarks and just be’s nasty to me. I was always the one to make sure that we visited weekly as I think it’s important to make a effort and my children also so my parents weekly so I just had in my head it would be fair to make a effort with DH’s family just as much as mine. DH’s mam loves us visiting and is always so happy to see us all his dad is always happy to see his grandchildren just feels like he doesn’t want me there. They still have pictures on the wall of Dh with his ex wife none of me I’ve never mentioned or let that affect my children’s relationship with their grandparents. Am I wrong to just back off a bit and not go along with my DH and kids when they visit from now on. Or is that being over sensitive?

Aren't you missing out on explaining how and your DH became divorced - obviously if you are the OW that initiated the breakup of a marriage then that might explain their reaction - of course this may not be the case at all - you just haven't been clear.

Why would you allow yourself to be subject to poor behaviour from your fil fro so long?

Have you never said anything?

I’ve mentioned to my DH but never said anything to FIL. I just dont want to cause any friction so I just tend to ignore his comments but now I just dread the thought of going

He got divorced 3 year before we met him and his ex have co patented really well as long as I’ve known him. There marriage just didn’t work out.

Visiting either set of parents every week seems a bit over the top.

Just something we’ve always done. Neither live far away from us! To be honest if we didn’t have children I wouldn’t visit DH parents at all let alone once a week.

Do you children really want to see their grandparents every week? That’s excessive to me given it must take up most of their weekend, every week of the year.

Just do what you want about your partner’s partners.

If you're visiting every week, could it just be that it's all a bit too much?

Perhaps you just don't like each other very much and that's absolutely fine - we can't expect to be mad about every individual in our lives.

Could you maybe rein it in a wee bit - for example, go one week as a couple and the other just you or your DH depending on which set of grandparents you're visiting, or even make visits monthly?

It might help, it might not, but it might be worth a shot.

Do the pictures of DH and his ex also have their shared child in, because if so then I think what they have is pictures of their son and grandson and also his ex on the wall. That's not unreasonable.

No it was before there child was born

Yes they absolutely loving visiting both sets of grand parents. I was brought up seeing my grandparents probably more than once a week so I just thought this was normal. Maybe we need to just cut down on the visits to DH parents

We used to visit DH’s parents weekly with our children and every time we visit DH’s dad makes nasty remarks and just be’s nasty to me.

And why hasn't your DH nipped this in the bud immediately?

first of all it's not abnormal to visit grandparents weekly. i see my mother in law most days as she has my toddler whilst i work.
however, why hasn't your husband asked them to take the ex photo down???? how does he himself find that acceptable? it's really disrespectful to you and rude.

first of all it's not abnormal to visit grandparents weekly.

I forgot to say this in my last post, I completely agree.

Don't let anyone else tell you it's excessive, as it will be for some but not at all for others.

Im not sure why he hasn’t asked them to take it down. It’s right at the front door as you enter their house for all to see. I find it bizarre and quite hurtful

I was taken to/grandparents visited us every Sunday turn about. Never really saw my other grandparents. Sadly.

We had no freedom as a family to do anything at the weekend as my parents worked during the week. It destroyed them as they had no down time. It was all work and housework.

Recalling that, I'd suggest you move the meetings to fortnightly (each grandparents in turn) and take some time to be a family and do stuff with your partner and dc without any grandparents in the inbetween weekends.

Then if your partner takes them over himself without you one week, next is your weekend off, next is other grandparents, next is off, and you and your partner go the next time, you only have to see his parents once every few weeks and the same with your parents and him.

Gives grandparents and their child time alone to play with grandkids. Any lip from his parents needs tackled by him.

I'd be fine with the photo, but hell would freeze over before I was fine with my DH not telling his dad to stop being so bloody nasty to me.

Is your DH ok with the way you're being spoken to then?

We don’t visit every weekend. The day we visit changes weekly like last week we went on Tuesday after school DH parents made tea. The in-laws usually ask as we’re about to leave what day we’ll be popping in the following week and we just arrange week by week really.

He just thinks I’m being dramatic because it’s just little digs he has but it’s constant every time we go and not to anyone else just me.

I was thinking the same thing as @Dewdilly re: visiting frequency and @WhateverMate re: photo/husband.

So you've been the lives of the in-laws for 7 years which seems like more than a reasonable amount of time for them to get to know and accept you but did they know the ex-wife for much longer?

I tend to think the past can't be buried - it's part of who we are - it shapes us but it IS the past and the only thing that really matters is the present and the plans you have for the future - it's up to the in-laws what they have on their walls - but I would have thought your DH might have said that it comes across as unfriendly not having a picture of the two of you (with or without the grandkids on it.) Either you or your DH ought to bring it and ask if there is a problem... it's there something from the early days that might have meant that you got off on the wrong foot? Are they still in touch with the ex-wife? Again - that's their choice. I suppose what you want to do it mention how you feel and not try to blow it up into something that will increase the apparent division between you. The most important thing is that you and your DH and kids are happy together - I wouldn't let it get me down.

You have a massive DH problem here. It makes me wonder whether he thinks the sun shines out of his dad's arse, and wouldn't dream of criticising him in any way.

They are being extremely tactless in having this photo on display. The only circumstance where it might be appropriate would be if his first wife died, but even then, to have it so prominently on display is crass.

Your DH needs to start noticing how obnoxious his dad is like towards you, and do something about it.

Why? We visit both sets of parents every week. They’re all getting on and as well as needing practical support (shopping, jobs doing in the home etc) we love them and like to see them. And without trying to sound too morbid they’ll be dead soon and we want to make the most of the time we have with them.

This!!