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Original poster

Why are freinds having these conversations with the men and not with me?

29 replies

Bakerfoot · 31/03/2024 23:46

I'm happily single. I'll date occasionally when the opportunity arises, it's not something I'm looking for and it would have to be something amazing for me to consider changing my single lifestyle. I love living alone and have a very active social life, mostly through a variety of hobbies.

Some of my friends in these groups are men.

Man 1 is a nice chap, married, always completely properly behaved towards me. We sometimes socialise as part of a group, but I've never been anywhere except to practice our sport alone with him. A friend I've been close with for 20 years has made a point of telling him she thinks it's "inappropriate" for us to spend time together. She's never even mentioned our friendship to me.

Man 2 is recently separated with a lot of time on his hands. He's not looking for a realltionship any more than I am, but we have formed a close friendship, which may or may not develop into something in the future. For now we enjoy each other's company in a nice relaxed way. A female friend of mine (different friend) has "warned" him not to mess me about. Again, she's never mentioned him to me.

I'm 53, FGS, why do these friends think I can't look out for myself? Why do they think this is any of their business and if they're genuinely concerned for me, why aren't they telling me that?

OP posts:
Zonder · 31/03/2024 23:48

How did you find out the women did this? Did they tell you or did the men?

Original poster
Bakerfoot · 31/03/2024 23:48

Zonder · 31/03/2024 23:48

How did you find out the women did this? Did they tell you or did the men?

The men told me

OP posts:
queenofcruises · 31/03/2024 23:51

Bakerfoot · 31/03/2024 23:48

The men told me

Show quote history

ah.. that old chestnut! i would guess neither of your female friends have said anything of the sort, and your 2 male friends are testing the water with you.. planting the seed as it were...

Original poster
Bakerfoot · 31/03/2024 23:55

queenofcruises · 31/03/2024 23:51

ah.. that old chestnut! i would guess neither of your female friends have said anything of the sort, and your 2 male friends are testing the water with you.. planting the seed as it were...

Show quote history

No, I don't think so. The two men are completely different characters.

Man 1 regrets telling me because he can see it's upset me.

Man 2 and I were already having a bit of a giggle about how our friendship looks to the gossips. We talk about lots of personal stuff, if he wanted something more, he'd say so.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bakerfoot · 31/03/2024 23:59

Plus what they've reported does sound like exactly what these friends might be thinking. First friend is a stickler for "proper" behaviour and 2nd friend would be concerned for me. It's just a shame they're not saying it to me.

OP posts:
Saintmariesleuth · 31/03/2024 23:59

Friend 1- probably from the school of thought that married men should not be engaging in 1:1 social activities with a woman that isn't their wife (people have wildly different viewpoints on this)

Friend 2- maybe concerned that this bloke is recently out of a relationship and might be rushing in to a rebound fling with you? Perhaps addressed it with him rather than you as she perceives he is at risk of behaving poorly (in her view?)

I don't think either of these men should have said anything, as it was never going to do anything other than make you feel awkward

Original poster
Bakerfoot · 01/04/2024 00:07

Saintmariesleuth · 31/03/2024 23:59

Friend 1- probably from the school of thought that married men should not be engaging in 1:1 social activities with a woman that isn't their wife (people have wildly different viewpoints on this)

Friend 2- maybe concerned that this bloke is recently out of a relationship and might be rushing in to a rebound fling with you? Perhaps addressed it with him rather than you as she perceives he is at risk of behaving poorly (in her view?)

I don't think either of these men should have said anything, as it was never going to do anything other than make you feel awkward

I wouldn't e.g. go to dinner with friend 1, for that reason. It's not that I don't think men and women can be friends, more that I'd be concerned I was putting him and me in a difficult position, might offend his wife and there's no need to invite trouble into your life. I don't think practicing sport in a public place is a problem though, but if she does why say that to him, who she barely knows, rather than me she's been friends with for 20 years?.

2nd friend is right, he's not in a position to "start" anything, but we're both well aware of that and again, if she'd mentioned it to me, I'd have told her that.

OP posts:
BunniesRUs · 01/04/2024 00:08

The second one i could forgive (if she is genuinely looking out for you albeit in a misguided way) but the first one is rude and completely uncalled for.

Moveoverdarlin · 01/04/2024 00:10

I believe the men. My guess is the other women are jealous.

BronzeAge · 01/04/2024 00:16

People on here can be incredibly weird about male-female friendships. Mine have never been complex, but then I’ve never regarded it as some terrible betrayal if someone made a pass at me when I wasn’t interested. The friendship recovered.

bombastix · 01/04/2024 00:19

Jealous of you. Simple answer. Giving warnings is mostly motivated by envy; it's literally none of their business but in making it so, they show their emotional investment.

I would ignore these women because god knows what other speculations they have. And carry on with your relationships as you choose.

Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 00:19

Why do they think this is any of their business and if they're genuinely concerned for me, why aren't they telling me that

They'd be more likely to know than us. Have you asked them? If not, you're not really friends with them, are you?

Saintmariesleuth · 01/04/2024 00:21

@Bakerfoot I've no idea why they didn't speak with you. And I don't think you have done anything wrong here, just my thoughts on where they are coming from.

I can't see anything to be gained from taking this up with person 1, especially as it seems your are acquaintances rather than friends, unless she sticks her beak in again.

I agree that friend 2 is probably trying to look out for you, in a misguided way. If she was concerned, I agree she should have spoken to you rather than man 2. Maybe you could veer in to this next time you're out for lunch etc and politely put her right?

Original poster
Bakerfoot · 01/04/2024 00:21

Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 00:19

Why do they think this is any of their business and if they're genuinely concerned for me, why aren't they telling me that

They'd be more likely to know than us. Have you asked them? If not, you're not really friends with them, are you?

No, I'm not really friends with friend 1 anymore. She distanced herself when I became single 4 years ago, which was a shame necuase I'd previously thought we'd always be there for each other in tough times. We'd really been very close until then.

I haven't seen friend 2 since I learned about it, but I will talk to her about it when I see her.

OP posts:
Starboy14 · 01/04/2024 06:00

Some women can't bare the thought of another woman being happier than them, so will try and sabotage and interfere in things that have nothing to do with them.

I may be wrong in this case, but this has definitely been my experience with ALOT of women.

Original poster
Bakerfoot · 01/04/2024 07:39

Starboy14 · 01/04/2024 06:00

Some women can't bare the thought of another woman being happier than them, so will try and sabotage and interfere in things that have nothing to do with them.

I may be wrong in this case, but this has definitely been my experience with ALOT of women.

Yes, this could be the case with friend 1, but I'd be surprised for friend 2

OP posts:
TakingAMenopause · 01/04/2024 08:12

queenofcruises · 31/03/2024 23:51

ah.. that old chestnut! i would guess neither of your female friends have said anything of the sort, and your 2 male friends are testing the water with you.. planting the seed as it were...

Show quote history

I think it’s a bit dramatic to just assume these guys are lying because they’re men.

Original poster
Bakerfoot · 01/04/2024 09:55

I'm going out with both of them this afternoon and a friend who loves to post a photo, so that'll give people plenty to talk about 🤣

OP posts:
Zonder · 01/04/2024 10:12

Fun!

How did they respond to the women?

stayathomer · 01/04/2024 10:16

Man 1 they're looking out for his marriage in case his dw gets paranoid/jealous, man 2-is that not what you say? You don't want your friends to be messed around! I've said it to men, my friends have all said it to men, doesn't matter what age you are, they're looking out for you? The men told you because men don't think of not saying it!

Original poster
Bakerfoot · 01/04/2024 10:21

Zonder · 01/04/2024 10:12

Fun!

How did they respond to the women?

Man 1 laughed it off. Man 2 was quite offended that she'd think that of him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bakerfoot · 01/04/2024 10:22

stayathomer · 01/04/2024 10:16

Man 1 they're looking out for his marriage in case his dw gets paranoid/jealous, man 2-is that not what you say? You don't want your friends to be messed around! I've said it to men, my friends have all said it to men, doesn't matter what age you are, they're looking out for you? The men told you because men don't think of not saying it!

I don't disagree with their sentiments at all. I do object to them discussing it behind my back rather than with me.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 01/04/2024 10:26

Maybe in both cases your side look like a genuine friendship for an outsider but it’s not the case for your male friends?
Maybe it’s jealousy or genuine concern for you?
Or maybe it’s just that their conversation went this way ?
I don’t think it’s the same reason for both cases as they are different and different friends are involved. So there is no simple answer.

Are you by any chance looking for a justification of your behavior on here for some reason or is it just venting?

Original poster
Bakerfoot · 01/04/2024 10:28

pizzaHeart · 01/04/2024 10:26

Maybe in both cases your side look like a genuine friendship for an outsider but it’s not the case for your male friends?
Maybe it’s jealousy or genuine concern for you?
Or maybe it’s just that their conversation went this way ?
I don’t think it’s the same reason for both cases as they are different and different friends are involved. So there is no simple answer.

Are you by any chance looking for a justification of your behavior on here for some reason or is it just venting?

I'm just curious as to why , if they felt the conversation was necessary, they didn't have it with me

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 01/04/2024 10:33

Bakerfoot · 01/04/2024 10:28

I'm just curious as to why , if they felt the conversation was necessary, they didn't have it with me

Show quote history

They probably see it as a concern for you and warn “ a suspicious party” especially in the first case where male friend is married.

In reality people often behave projecting their own experiences. So it might be about them not you.