Tips on being a good guest

[Theothername]

Typically if I’m staying in someone’s home I bring wine, flowers and dessert, help with dishes, pay for entrance fees and coffee if we go out somewhere and take my host out to dinner at least once.

But I struggle when we stay with pils. They don’t drink, are watching their weight, and are very well off and want for nothing. They never let us pay for anything, besides a nominal coffee. Mil insists on paying for any groceries. We’re staying with them at their holiday home. Mil doesn’t like me helping in her kitchen and gets annoyed if I try and do anything.

I’m neurodivergent and sometimes miss the subtle do but don’t subtext. I don’t want to be a bad guest.

Without getting into too many details, they don’t really like me as a dil, though they’d never say so directly. Dh is very happy to be pampered by his dm but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells.

Any advice?

Just ask what you can do to help and if they say nothing then do that.

If you just want to know what to take, leave it to DH to decide. He knows them best! Flowers or a pot plant are inoffensive to most people but it’s his job to buy them something, especially if they’re not nice to you.

Do you have to go or could you suggest he has some quality time with them by himself?

I would take flowers and offer to help, that’s all you can do really. Hope your trip goes ok.

I think offering is all you can do, if they say no, then sit back and let them get on with it. Ask them to just let you know if there's anything you can help with.
Some nice flowers as a token thankyou for your hospitality is always thoughtful.
Don't overthink it or try to make them like you. You are you and are more than enough. I'm done with trying to make people like me these days - they either do or they don't - I don't really care anymore!

I’d happily dispatch him by himself but my dc wouldn’t cope as well without me. They have very old fashioned, neurotypical attitudes to the character flaws we get diagnosed as autism and adhd these days.

But they don’t overstep (as much) if I’m there as a buffer. They’re never actually unkind. It’s more a quiet and continuous disapproval.

@AnneLovesGilbert Flowers are tricky because we’re flying and being picked up at the airport by them - would it be weird to organise a delivery while we’re there? They’re leaving to days after us so they’d be a waste to give as a leaving gift. Thanks for the suggestion though.

@ChoccieEgg49 I need to cultivate your attitude!

You're staying with family, not friends. No way would I expect all that you seem to think necessary, when my offspring visit. Wine, dessert, flowers etc are what I take when I stay with friends.

When my kids visit I want to provide for them, not the other way round. I'm not doing them a favour, as my friend's arewhen they have me to stay. I'm just thrilled that they're here. The social roles around friends and acquaintances don't apply.

I'm not a big fan of other people in my kitchen either. If you offer to help and MIL doesn't want it, then you're being polite by not pushing it.

It's quite an adjustment, as we get older and if lucky, more comfortably off but with fewer ways that money needs to be stretched.

I'd suggest you get your DH (MiL's son) to pick a small token to take for her. Small posh of flowers (ideally from your garden) 😆

When you are visiting seek to give her what she doesn't get. How does she react when you show interest in your DH's earlier life?

Let your MiL tell you stories about that and anything g else you can think of to ask her. Let her tell you the version that she comes out of well as his parent. Praise her for how well she has done and how much you love him.

It might take a while for her to get used to your interest so persevere. Ask whether there is anything you can do to help but don't push it.

Good luck.

Posh obvs a posy soz.

@saraclara that makes sense and thanks for spelling that out. I was missing that. I guess it feels more social than family to me but you’re right.

@FinallyHere Listening to their stories is a great point. Mil in particular loves to reminisce and I genuinely find all that quite interesting.

feeling much better about this …. thank you!

My MIL sounds similar but she always loves something made by the children. If they draws her a picture or make a card she will leave it on display in her kitchen for years. Would your children be interested in making her a thank you card?

We have the same problem when we saw my mum/seeing my PIL. We aren't allowed to pay for shopping, eating out and even a coffee is difficult. Often my mum also gave us money for our travel costs.

What we do is sending flowers afterwards as a thank you. And we accepted that this is they way they prefer to do it and it's not something we can change.

I was going to say what Myotherusernameisshy said. If possible leave it there for her to find after you leave or hand over on the last day or post and hopefully it will reach them. My mil has a whole file with drawings and notes from the children over the years you wouldn’t know as she is very minimalist and wants for nothing but it was a lovely revaluation. Even if she does not keep them for longer than a few days hoped she’ll appreciate the effort.