Which is the politer reminder?

[CurlewKate]

"Have you remembered X's birthday?" or "Don't forget X's birthday"

Dp and I both sent this to our dd today, and she accused one of us of being "too parent-y" Needless to say, no angst involved. Which is the parentiest?

Second one is the one she’s saying is too parent-y

2nd one is the "too parenty" one. But tbh both of them are annoying to receive

Then again the first is sort of passive-overly-parent-y whereas second is more overt overly-parent-y. I don’t know now!

I can't say I'd have appreciated either as a young adult! The first is marginally better.

Both the same.

i think 1st one is most parent y

I'd prefer the second one. First is rather tip-toey and I'd be irrationally annoyed they didn't think I would remember.

I use “don’t forget it’s X’s Birthday” to my brother, I don’t think it’s too parenty, and if he remembered I wouldn’t have to remind him!

I think the first one is more parenty because it’s checking up on them.

First one comes off as a bit passive aggressive imo. Like you’re expecting them to fuck up and forgot. Second one is fine

Well, I could text a friend ‘Don’t forget x’s birthday’ if it was appropriate. Might help them out a hole. I couldn’t text them ‘Have you remembered x’s birthday?’ because really that’s pretty nosy and they’ve got better things to be doing than explaining to me if they remembered or not. On that basis - the first is something only a parent would send.

For me it would be less about the wording but the fact both parents felt the need to remind me. Getting a second text about the matter on the same day would probably elicit a similar response!

I hate both as the assumption is that it has already been forgotten.

Why do you both feel the need to send those in the first place?

🤣 No problem with reminding- it's a new family member and her birthday isn't fixed in our minds yet. A shame we both reminded- it wasn't deliberate. The alleged over parent-y one is the first one-and mine. I am duly reprimanded.

I think the issue is getting a reminder from both parents, but either would be irritating if you had in fact remembered off your own bat and thus resented the assumption that you wouldn't remember on your own...

I'd use the second one, but with an exclamation mark and/or smiley face to soften the parentiness a little! 🙂

The first sounds a bit harsh.

"Have you remembered... " would piss me off more as it requires a reply

The other I could just ignore or 👍🏼

The first one is more annoying because it's like she has to answer to the parent to confirm she's being a good enough human.

The second one is simply a blunt reminder.

2nd is too parenty
1st is too passive aggressi

First one is mildly passive aggressive

How about "Is it Newfamilymember's birthday on Tuesday? I think that's when it is anyway".

You are then sending a reminder without making it seem like a reminder, and she doesn't lose face.

I’m 50 and my mum still sends me messages like this. Pisses me off whichever was it’s said.

First one is patronising and passive aggressive. Second is a bit bossy, but at least it’s a straightforward, direct question.

Based on my DDs whichever message was sent by the mother would be the one that annoyed them, however it was phrased, and the one from their dad would not get pushback.

can I ask how you’d phrase things instead?

Id say the first one. Not in a PA way but in a very matter of fact way - did you remember? Expecting more if a Yes - No anwer.
But I’m wondering if my English isn’t letting me down (I’m not British)

@MarionMarion, honestly, in this particular situation I quite likely wouldn’t say anything at all. I don’t consider it my responsibility to manage other people’s family responsibilities for them. If I really wanted to make sure that they hadn’t forgotten, I would ask them what they had got for the other person.