What's App etiquette enquiry

[pearpporridge]

I'm admin for a long-running WA group. Last year one of the early members of the group, a friend of mine, started a new relationship and twisted my arm very hard to add her partner of a couple of months to it. He lives 300 miles away and the group is based around local events and meet-ups, but she got very upset when I said that it wasn't appropriate and like a fool I added him. Six months later and it's all over, he's an arsehole, he's out of her life. But in the meantime he's made several friends in the group. My friend is increasingly distraught about having his name pop up in the group and insists that I remove him.

Is there an established etiquette for this situation? Do I contact him privately, say 'Sorry mate, but you're not local and not likely to be visiting this area regularly, so you're out?' Do I say 'As you're not going out with Molly any more there's no reason for you to be on this group?' Is there a way that I can mute him?

Your friend needs to leave the group then if it bothers her so much, she brought him in to it in the first place. Her choice to stay or go. It's messy now that he has friends in the group independently of her.

Don't add friends-of-friends again, it's never worth it.

I'd tell your friend to grow-up.

If she wants to ask him to leave she can, but it's not your problem to deal with.

Or, close the group and let a new one be set up. I would steer clear of doing that myself though.

If she wants him to leave let her ask him to leave. You added him because of her and she should have thought ahead. Or do you want him out?

If he's an arsehole like you say then just lock him out of it. He's not local anyway. If anyone he has befriended wants to keep contact with him then they can do that by themselves, no need for them to use the group chat.

The situation actually has nothing to do with you so tell your friend to leave you out of it. She got her way badgering you to let him join now she wants her way by badgering you to kick him out.

She wouldn’t go to a group admin she didn’t know and say ‘please please remove my ex!!!’ she’d either ignore him or choose to leave the group.

I actually think it would bring more strife on you if you removed him as he’d obviously tell his friends and you’d look quite petty and silly.

Why TF would you even add him in the first place if he lives 300 miles away? Arm twisting or not, you are the admin and you should've stuck with No.

I'd remove him, but simultaneously approach the people he's now friendly with saying basically what you said above: acknowledge that it was a mistake to let him in and now it's very tricky but you feel the simplest thing is to remove him again. You hope they'll be able to continue their new friendships off group and you're sincerely sorry for any awkwardness now, 'have learned my lesson haha'.

The advice from @WinterDeWinter is spot on, but your friend needs to grow up and you need to put some policies in place to avoid this in future.

It's just a group of local friends and contacts who use the group to publicise events or organise casual meet-ups in the vicinity, so I'm feeling a bit grouchy at the idea of having to apologise and promise to perform better in future, though I get the point... Thank you for spelling it out so clearly @WinterDeWinter I'll do the mea culpa. Cheers.

This is supposed to be an easygoing group where people post to say 'I'm going to X on Sunday morning, anyone want to come for a swim and then the farmer's market and brunch?' sort of thing. I just hate the way things like this start casually, based on good will, and then end up requiring me to take responsibility.... [wanders off whinging]

Yes I definitely don’t think they in reality it’s your fault Op - you clearly came under sustained assault from your newly loved up friend ! the mea culpa is pragmatism really, since those new friends might reasonably be a bit WTF if you appear to have arbitrarily removed him.

You're not required to take responsibility at all. That's a choice you're making.

Put a message up "admin for this group is getting a bit much for one person, I'm going to make a few more people admins" then make everyone who was an original member an admin and then she can boot him off herself.

I've just been going through the list of people in the group and there are several who haven't posted for more than a year and one person who signed up in the early days but has never posted or attended anything, which feels a bit off.

There's also someone else I'd completely forgotten about who joined up and them moved away soon after and hasn't been heard of since then. So I'm going to announce a general tidy-up process, say something about it being a good idea to prune out people who aren't in a position to attend anything and remove the XBF at the same time. As suggested I'll contact him and the three people who seem to have got friendly with him, say that in retrospect it was my mistake to have included him in the main group as he lives so far away, and suggest they set up their own friendship group. And then I'll probably also add a couple of other admins and let them take it over. Cheers.

Honestly I think this is just a do nothing kind of situation. You don't need to admin the group really you could just let it do it's thing.

But then I couldn't be arsed with this and am a bit more live and let live. The group does sound really good though, I'd actually like to join.😀

Please please please send a message saying " this is a local WhatsApp group for local people, there's nothing for you here" and hope he gets the reference

I'll sign it Tubbs and Edward, shall I?

I think removing people who have never been active is fine. I would do the same as I find it a bit odd for people to hang around seeing what others post and never say anything or they've muted / archived the group anyway.

If you are doing that maybe just message the ex alone and let him sort something with the others. I'm not sure why you need to message them but again if you're keeping around those who are active I wouldn't even remove him. You added him and now he's part of the group. It's one thing to remove people who are active or not active but you're being a bit controlling just because you may have set up the WhatsApp group.

Me, being controlling? Really? 🙄 Give me strength...

I thought the same thing tbh. You do seem overly invested in the whole thing 😂

I set a group up. It goes well. I have virtually zero admining to do for years. Then a friend who's very active in the group first asks, then pleads, then demands that I add the love of her life. And then asks and later demands that I remove him. She's currently messaging me several times a week asking that I remove him. I do nothing — and I'm the over-invested controlling one? I've heard some BS here on MN but that takes the biscuit.

I would announce the clear out and just erase the non members. No need to explain to anyone else any further.

If you're posting where you are going then they really shouldn't be on the group. Plenty of people stay on just to be nosy and they need to go really.

The others will soon set up their own group.

You're going to do nothing?

I'm so sorry, I must have misunderstood!

I thought you were going to make an announcement about a spring clean, remove old members, then message this guy and his three new friends suggesting they setup another group and then remove him from the group as well? That would be over invested! If you're doing nothing and ignoring your batshit friend that makes much more sense.

My mistake. You can see why I misunderstood though!

No, I am going to do a spring clean. Left to my own devices I would have done nothing, but I'm being forced to do something because of someone else's life drama. The group's run well with zero intervention from me for years. Calling me controlling and over-invested is a joke.

The EBF is very welcome to set up his own group with the people he's friendly with. I'll suggest he does. This isn't a business or a competition, it's about enabling people to connect.