Can someone tell me what’s wrong with my life?

[Led921900]

Ok the crux of it is I feel a bit unsettled in my life. Basically the idea of doing my current job or living in my current house until I retire makes me agitated.

I’m not sure what it is as it wasn’t like this before I had kids.
I am from the north west, from a quiet area, I live in suburban and cheap south east London.
This feeling of being unsettled is off and on really.

But I have a good job in London, it’s a good company and I could progress. Similar jobs outside London but with a 20% pay cut which is too much. I need to be at the office most days.
My kids attend a nice school and pre-school. They’re 6, 3 and 1. I don’t want anymore kids (too skint and knackered!)
Where we live isn’t peaceful countryside but it’s perfectly nice with parks and woodlands around us.

My husband and I have been together 12 years, married for 7. He is from Kent and his family are there. We have a good relationship.

What is it? How can I feel more settled? we’ve been in our house 9 years!
Is it the house, is it not having any of my family nearby? Is it a bit of depression?
Is it just not having really having good friends around (my pals all live west London and it’s a bit of a trek, and not all have kids. Mum friends are more for convenience I’m not really close with them).

It would be pretty nuclear to change jobs/sell the house and move back up North but I just don’t know how to get it out of my head this is not how I want to spend the next 20 years here and beyond into retirement?!
We can’t really afford to move anyway never mind the in school transfers.

Anyone ever felt this way? I am totally fed up of it all and don’t know what to do!!

I think this feeling often arrives after having your 'last' child. For the last 10-15 years you've been getting married, having children, and now you're 'just' living and working and sorting children! It's a bit of a limbo feeling when you're not sure what's going to be actually happening.

This is when you start writing your own story, places you want to go with your family, clubs or skills your kids can gain, activities you want to do.

You seem to be away from his family, away from your family and away from your friends. Your location is only really convenient for work and schools. That doesn’t sound enough to make you happy.

I think you need to decide exactly what it is you want in your life before you make any significant changes. If you won the lottery and didn’t have to worry about work or catchment areas for good schools, where would you like to be? Does your vision match your DH’s? If moving back up north is something you both want to work towards then you have a goal to start saving for.

Try writing down what your goals are for the next ten years, career, housing, savings, personal objectives, losing weight, getting fit, taking up a hobby or pastime you've always wanted to, qualifications you might go for, things to be excited about in the future, etc. It might or might not help, but if you have some clear objectives that you are working towards you may not feel so much in limbo and just existing day by day.

Similar jobs outside London but with a 20% pay cut which is too much.

Have you done the figures based on what it would cost to live outside London? Might be 20% cheaper, in which case would be affordable.

Do you mind me asking how old are you? The mid life crisis isn’t just a coined term it’s very real.

Your set-up all sounds good. I wouldn't rush to change any element of it. Surely it's just the feeling of having had your kids and looking to the future in a 'what's next' way, when your youngest is still only 1 and you're not quite in a position to take on more exciting things right now. As soon as you are, then you can progress at work, you can take on more fulfilling things outside of work (often in our 40s we want to 'put something back', whether it's mentoring, being on a board, volunteering, any number of interesting things), pursue hobbles, plan trips, the list is endless. But sitting there with 3 young DC and projecting to the 'rest of your life' isn't going to make you feel happy now.

If you had a less nice house, area, schools, DH or any of that, then you could be dreaming/making plans about moving or divorcing or finding new schools, but the truth is you have all that sorted and can enjoy that and explore your capacity to suss new opportunities and take things to the next level, over the decades left before retirement. In short, there's nothing wrong with your life. This is the human condition. You're doing well and good luck with the next bit!

Thanks for the kind responses. I’m late 30’s.
I guess I thought we’d have moved on from our house by now, it’s just a quite small 3 bed semi. We have added a room in the loft but it’s a small house. My sisters houses are much nicer as their household incomes are more than ours (I earn quite well but husband doesn’t have a well paid job).

But I think that’s it it’s just there’s always been so much going on, buying a house, getting married, having kids now ???? And lifestyle wise I’m not where I thought I’d be!
we’re house sitting in Kent for the first May bank holiday and it will be interesting to see how that feels and if we’ve just outgrown our house a bit. But not sure I can face in year transfers and childcare changes! 🙈

I think I do have a lack of connection too but that’s harder to fix. like I say hard to just move up north and even if we did it might not prove the silver bullet I hoped just another “thing” to do and then what. But this is the issue for me, not sure how to feel more settled on myself and just second guessing what it is and what I should be doing about it!

I think restlessness is natural when you’ve reached the end of one life stage (having children) but don’t know what the next stage is (pursuing your career, climbing the housing ladder, learning new skills etc). I remember feeling that way with my two in school, working very part time and not in a position to change that.

The working and raising children phase stretches out before you and can feel like you’ve lost a bit of yourself, but not sure what bit. It does change though, kids grow, work life moves on, you become more content with life and have space to add the things that are missing.

The “if you won the lottery” question can help because you can take small steps towards the things you would do. Also be careful about comparison, it really is the thief of joy - we never compare to people less well off.

Okay, well, you're making it sound less nice now that you're comparing it to higher earners with bigger houses, but we can all do that and feel dissatisfied. If it was that important to you, you'd have stopped at two kids and had more money and space, but having a bigger family must have been your priority and that's great, you've got a lot more than many people and are only in your 30s. You can earn more - and even if DH can't, he could do more of the parenting - and move up the housing ladder in your 40s, whether in London, Kent or up north. I still think you've got a good set-up even if your sisters do have more, but they have more money, so... if you're dissatified with your life, perhaps that's the answer. Really you have to find the happiness beyond that though, and that's often more about a capacity for being content with what you have, and then the material side is a bonus.

I'd say you need to save up and go on a big holiday to see some of the world. Talking a month away. Go with a female friend.

Get it out of your system

I think this describes your situation well. It’s the feeling of ‘is this it?’

You say you and your husband have a good relationship and that he doesn’t have a well paid job. Is this some thing he’d like to change? Maybe the two of you should work out together what your goals are and how to achieve them. Neither of you are to old to retrain.

I think mid life is a time when we all evaluate where we are. Take pride in what you have achieved and feel grateful for that. Set goals for the future and the rest will fall into place. Remember the joy is in the journey not getting to the destination.

Thanks all - apologies for late reply we were on holiday. So wasn’t online a lot. Some great replies and things to think about.
The feeling is still here of generally being stuck in a rut so will have a think. I was looking into moving more countryside way but when I factored in the commuting costs it’s not possible so again feeling a bit frustrated. But in reality we won’t be in position to do any lifestyle changes until the childcare bill goes down in a few years then who knows. Also a lot of my free time I spend on chores and in servitude to the kids and that might be a factor.

In meantime just hope we all keep healthy and (relatively!) happy!

Life is at its toughest when you have children of 6,3 and 1. I’m sure things will feel easier when your children are slightly older.