Trigger warning: How are we supposed to parent in such a world where boundaries are constantly blurred by the internet and social media? Parents of pre teens and teens. Help!

[RollingInIce]

DC is 11 (12 in May and is in the first year of secondary). He’s made some friends and everything is going well. DC thinks we are out of touch as parents and I’m beginning to feel we are losing reality with what is acceptable in this era.

DC games online with his friends. He talks on mics but they come through his tv loudly so we can hear it all. Some examples of what we hear:

Regular swearing “you’re such a fucking dickhead / prick / insert other name here”. When someone misses a point. Whatever, it’s just swearing and they’re testing boundaries, not a big deal. My DS doesn’t swear (at least not in front of us!).

Then, it goes further to “casual” homophobic comments: “you’re such a puff” .

“Casual” derogatory comments: “cock sucker”.

”Casual” references to sexual violence such as joking about rape, said in such a “funny”, casual joking way, that I’m made to feel like I’m over reacting when I tell DC enough and end the game.

This is such a common theme and it’s not just the new set of friends he has made; it was common in his primary class too. I’m fighting a losing battle because our approach to boundaries and what we allow DC to have access to, is the exception and not the “norm”. I hear these DC’s parents in the background and nothing is said, so naturally the children assume it’s ok.

DC is upset with us because we monitor his phone and screen any social media links sent to him. I think this is basic parenting. He was sent a link a few days ago to a video of a game with sexual swearing in it. Again, we are the exception in doing this and not the norm which makes me wonder if we are too uptight with this?

We sat DC down and explained that whilst the swearing is annoying but not a big deal, the fact that his friends regularly take it too far, is. I’ve explained that boundaries of sexual violence are being blurred because it’s made so casual with joking threats. I’ve explained that as a boy, it’s my responsibility to ensure he respects women and recognises that there can be serious consequences to him for even things he may perceive as a misunderstanding or a “joke”.

DC just doesn’t get it. He says we complain about every friend he has. There’s an element of truth to this , because every male friend he has acts in this way! We don’t try to control his friendships but we make it very clear what we are willing to tolerate and what we are not. We will tell other kids off for inappropriate behaviour around us. Naturally DC thinks this is embarrassing but if we say nothing, we condone it.

I am finding this very difficult to navigate. Can others share their thoughts?

How to isolate your teen entirely....way to go 👏🏻

I’ve got a 15 year old so I’m only a few years out of this but he had little to no access to online gaming before 13. No Fortnite, maybe a bit of Roblox. No online social media accounts. At 15 he has no access to gta or cod. This was the same with all of our children and there was barely any kick back from them mainly because they knew there’d be no budging.

DH and I both work in cybersecurity so we KNOW they’re not accessing this behind our backs.

@RollingInIce I also find using humour helps, everything doesn’t need to be a telling off - I save that for really offensive, unacceptable stuff. I’ll mimic his friends using fluffy language instead of the swearing (so passing through the room and hearing motherfucker I’ll say “oh your friends a bunny fluffer” or something ridiculous) that gets him laughing, but he knows it’s time to come away.

@LoveSandbanks I’ve jokingly told DH we need to switch to Cyber Security careers for this reason.

DC has no social media other than WhatsApp as we have a family group. He’s only allowed to add known friends in to a group and it’s monitored regularly. It’s locked down as much as it can be but we still check it.

I game. I knew first hand what an actual cesspit online gaming can be, it really is. You parent and don’t worry about them hating you. People are too afraid of their children not liking them. During GCSE period I removed DS games console because he would not regulate his time on it, he hated me for that. You do not bugger about either. My friend just took away her DS controllers, of course he borrowed one from another kid at school.

You set up strict parental controls so randoms can't message them. You also have the console in a public area and never in their bedroom. My proudest parenting moment was hearing DS have a go at some school mates when one had made a joke about violence against women, I heard him say you never ever hit a woman.

Actual just FFS I just got killed, fell off the map, shit I have run out if healing potions and stuff like that an exclamation of annoyance, I’m ok with that do it myself. It’s why in the gaming clan I am in we do not accept any children unless their parent is also in the clan. There are only three of us that have done this and they were older teens 14 plus and their parent has to be in the party.

Not all teens are like that. If I’m honest it’s the ones that are badly behaved and it still counts for adult men, insecure, have a bad home life or are bad at the game and trying to detract from that or unfortunatley and very worryingly are of the incel persuasion.

I’ve intervened with some of the teenage lads on the estate who have walked past me making rude comments to each other - just told them to stop and they have generally complied. I think it’s important to say when we find something unacceptable - otherwise kids grow up thinking it’s acceptable to speak any way they like.

we have some older teenagers / young adults in the town who are absolutely feral and go about being aggressive and saying really horrible things all the time - I have started trying to stand up to them when they do it near me. I think it’s a shame that people around here are so scared of these young adults, no one has ever turned around to them and told them it’s unacceptable as teenagers (or maybe very rarely) and now they terrorise some of the older residents.

i think we have a collective responsibility to say what kind of behaviour isn’t acceptable in public - I don’t care what you say and think behind closed doors but I’m not willing to hear racism, homophobia or sexually violent jokes when I’m just trying to shop in sainsburys.

I fear for the boys and men of today’s society and I fear for the girls and women who are going to encounter them. I feel I’m trying my best to instil consent and respect but my messages and values are being muddied by DC who are exposed to inappropriate content at such a young age.

Another one chiming in with ‘not all teens are like that’. He will definitely be able to find friends that aren’t if he wants to. I don’t tolerate swearing and my teens (boys) don’t swear around me. They shout, grumble, wind each other up, scuffle and occasionally get really angry with each other, and they manage to do this without swearing.

yes, parenting properly is exhausting, isn't it

Gaming is an activity with an open door to their rooms. Any of that language or behauvoiur internet is off.

Honestly, ban him playing. I have, female admittedly, gamers and turned the router off if I heard bad language, they soon learned (we had allowable expressions and red lines!)

I'm certainly not anti gaming but certain games are far worse.

@mitogoshi I feel that would be punishing my DC for something that’s not his fault; he’s not the one swearing or making these jokes, it’s the DC he games with.

I feel your pain OP. DS is in the bottom stream of a large secondary and it’s an ongoing battle. I make sure doors are open when gaming (games allowed are restricted) and make an effort to recognise DS behaving as I expect - as well as picking up on the negatives from him and others. Eg if something includes swear words not allowed, racist/sexist stuff and he removes himself. I’ll often use situations as conversation points around inappropriate stuff. I also have a mantra of “different parents, different rules” regularly!! It is exhausting though. That and the amount of fake news he sees online that we then Google together to establish its fake only for him to tell me another one.

They’re only exposed to in appropriate content because you allow it. What games are they playing online where they joke about rape? Why aren’t you shutting it down when it occurs? Is he playing a games console in his room? Move it to the family area and get him off it as soon as swearing starts.

Stop worrying about whether he likes you and worry about him becoming someone YOU like!

@LoveSandbanks I’m not sure if you’ve misunderstood my OP? I’m not allowing it, that’s the point. My DC is not the one doing these things. It’s the other DC he’s playing with. The games they are playing are mild, not violent. I think there may be some crossed wires.

Have you asked him would they be friends with him if he called them out on the extreme, nasty stuff? Or just didn't laugh, respond and said "yeah bro not my humour"?

@RollingInIce i apologise, I did misunderstand. My rant still applies to your sons friends parents tho’ (just in case they’re reading) 🤣

@tomorrowisanotherdate yes plenty others agreeing that it's exhausting

Has anyone discouraged or disallowed gaming completely? Out of interest.

I would be guiding him to other activities to dilute the toxic masculinity, which is a massive problem in schools at the moment.

Once he's in year 8 he'll be old enough for air cadets, lots of different activities available even if he doesn't want to join the RAF. That'll keep him busy two nights a week and he can learn to fly an actual plane or glider, shoot an actual rifle (under strict safety procedures), first aid, adventurous activities, go on Camp etc have positive male and female role models outside of school. Swearing etc or any of that type of language won't be tolerated in uniform so he gets a respite from it before it becomes the norm.

It is really difficult parenting these days. We have 4 children ages 26 down to 18. I noticed a real change in the difficulty in parenting as online life became increasingly normal. For boys and girls.

Sometimes it’s not as simple as disconnecting them from their games - because that is also their social life.

i think the best you can do is up the ante in other ways - physical exercise that they enjoy/ getting outside in nature/ maybe get a dog - if that’s possible/ playing board games as a family.

Now it seems the internet and online life will always be with us, but it is keeping it in proportion

No, it sounds like proper well-regulated parenting. He’s not 18 or an adult though, he’s still very much a child. There’s a big difference mentally from levels of understanding to the way in which the brain processes information between an adult and a child. This is why it is illegal to expose children to inappropriate material ie porn or violent content because for an immature brain it can be very damaging and distressing. It’s sad that I’ve even had to point this out to another adult. There’s a word for protecting your children from this type of harmful content and it’s called safeguarding. People need to make much more of an effort to safeguard their children because when they don’t children are exposed to harmful things that they don’t understand and that’s when teenagers end up stabbing others etc. Much like the way you’ve described “proper parenting” seems too much like hard work or exhausting for a lot of parents these days and that’s why a large part of the societies very young children to young adults are absolutely feral. If you find parenting too exhausting then maybe you shouldn’t have children. IMO it’s really that simple.

Sympathies. I'm not a parent, but a secondary school teacher qualified in three subjects including Russian.

I couldn't understand how some of my pupils knew how to swear in Russian. Turns out they picked it up from internet gaming with Russian boys.

My son is the same age as yours and I agree its exhausting.

I am not sure if he remembers, that I monitor his online activities, both his youtube and whatsapp is linked to my computer, his xbox is linked up to his dad's account, we dont need his phone as such to see what he is doing. So its possible he tells his friends that we dont check him.

We allow swearing, however like PP racist, homephobic and any sexual comments are cut off and the console goes off. However, I have not noticed anyr recently, and DS is pretty good in telling us and walking away from it. Hopefully we can keep that going through his teen years

I could’ve written your opening post. I don’t know what to do, but it’s horrible 😢
We’ve been too lenient (I think) and given in to TikTok and Snapchat (I didn’t want him to be isolated from his friends who all had it) and wish I could go back. The worst of it all is I don’t think DS actually enjoys any of it (he’s pulled right back from friends who act this way) but it seems to the majority of boys in his year to act this way and now he seems lonely and that is almost harder to see than the horrible behaviour was. I wish they could stay in primary school for another couple of years.