DH and mum don’t like each other

[dinoeranch]

I’ve put dh in title. Hes my fiance we get married late summer this year!

so yes dont know if anyone’s dealt with this

my fiance thinks my mum is controlling or tries to be. I get why. She does insert herself into our business a lot. For example I am breastfeeding our child and she since day 1 has said it’s not right, I should stop as she’s a light sleeper so obviously hungry, breast isn’t best and so many more comments about it. She bought bottles and has offered to buy the Tommee Tippee machine.
For our wedding I showed her some decor I liked and she then shows me a Pinterest board of her ideas I said thanks but no thanks and she got annoyed with me and said as the mother of the bride she’d like input.
She also bought our daughter a flower girl dress, which I asked her not to as she text me a picture of it and in that moment I politely said thanks but no thank you not my style. And she keeps going on about how she bought it.

So I can see his POV. She is amazing with our kids though and adores them. Any alone time me and DH have had is due to my parents really so I do appreciate that

Immnot sure why she doesn’t like him. Hes never told her or pulled her up on how he feels. He’s always polite and chatty , I don’t know if she just gets the vibe from him though? But she always makes remarks about him.

how do I navigate this while married? I’m worried it’ll escalate or get awkward.

I sympathise OP. Similar situation. Been with DH well over a decade, and we've spent loads of that time with my parents. On the face of it, all looks cosy. But DH and DM have never warmed to each other. He thinks she's controlling, she doesn't appreciate him standing up to her. She's definitely more at 'fault' - she is a wonderful woman and I love her dearly, but she really likes things to be done her way. Previous boyfriends have just let her get on with it and rolled their eyes, but DH doesn't like it and there is often tension, although there's never been a full on argument. They do disagree a lot though and I take the brunt of it which I hate.

Part of me thinks DH should just be more chilled and let things go. She's not going to change now. But I also understand it's unfair on him and she really can be very unpleasant towards him. It's so annoying too as he's a brilliant husband and dad to our DC - and unlike any of my exes, is always keen to spend time with my family! I wish she could see that!

To make life easier for me if no one else, I'm just trying to accept they will never be close, and to let them crack on with it. DH gets on very well with my DF so there's that!

It's really hard though and not nice for the person caught in the middle i.e you.

I'm disappointed reading these two comments. You should be backing your husband and telling your mum to wind her neck in and mind her own business. You are piggy in the middle because you are too cowardly to choose a side. And that side should be your husband

@oldestmumaintheworld I mean conflict isn’t nice, the tension we’ve described is bad enough. So to tell our mums that and cause conflict what good would it achieve ?

If the situation was reversed and you were on here complaining that your mother in law didn’t like you but your husband wouldn’t stick up for you, you’d be told in no uncertain terms that your husband was in the wrong.

Tell your dm she isn't respectful of your relationship and needs to back off.

You stole what I was about to post.

Your mum sounds deeply annoying tbh....

If men could complain about their MILs here...

She doesn't like him because he exists. I suspect her ideal situation would be that he buggers off, leaving her holding the baby and being able to tell you she was right all along.

He could be the bestest fiance in the history of the world, she still wouldn't like him.

You need to be very clear with her that you now come as a package with him and you aren't a child anymore.

Well it would show your mum she needs to respect you and your decisions, on both breast feeding and the partner you chose. At present she's showing none

She is controlling and over-involved.

However, IME the children of these types of people often can't see it through the FOG and end up alienating their partners. You have to make a conscious decision that you will be a united front with your partner and set strong, lasting boundaries or you won't have a marriage.

He's right.
She isn't very likeable from his POV.

You brought that into the marrige. You need to manage her so she's not a burden.
You need to enforce boundaries and protect his peace.

Because you can't then complain if he blows at her if you were to much of a coward.

Yes I'm speaking from the experience of someone like your DH.

I understand. Conflict isn't pleasant. But I would ask you to consider two things. Firstly, not being supported by your partner isn't pleasant either. In fact it's horrible. It makes you feel lonely and unloved. Secondly, that being an adult in the world means learning how to accept conflict and then deal with it. Not to do so keeps you perpetually as a frightened child.

And what would it achieve? Your partner would be happier and respect you more as a person who has his back. Your mother would respect you more and treat you like an adult. And you would respect yourself more. You would have a more pleasant atmosphere at home when your Mother visits and you would understand that dealing with conflict won't make the sky fall in.

So you’d be happy to have conflict with your DH regularly because you don’t want to cause conflict with your mum by telling her she’s overstepping? How long do you think the marriage would last or at least be happy for? How would you feel if you didn’t get on with your DH mum/dad and he ignored you and your feelings just to keep peace with them? Just because she adores her grandchildren is not a good enough excuse to allow her to carry on inserting herself into your business